Love: Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave....

Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave. The only person in my life who ever eats green beans is my psycho ex-girlfriend. She moved out three months ago. FML

By Alan

Extra Fabulous Comics's illustrated FML

Another feature of FML that won't be changing much is the Illustrated FMLs. "Thank goodness for that !" I hear some of you cry....

Favorite

By now afraid... / Sunday 3 April 2016 17:28 / United States

Love

Family values

Higher standards

This ain't working out

By Full Stomach Empty Wallet - United States - Danvers

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27897

You deserved it

2593

Favorite

By boudinette - France - Saint-martin-d'heres

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28709

You deserved it

14127

Favorite

By AccidentalToiletSpy

Today, in the bathroom at work, I heard two co-workers enter and begin a very private discussion. Not wanting to embarrass either of them, I figured I'd sit quietly until they left. Big mistake. They talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't feel my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2521

You deserved it

838

Favorite

By Teste - Spain

Today, I passed by a cute girl who was staring intensely at me. When I glanced in her direction, she smiled. Taking this as a positive sign, I approached her. Before I could say anything, she handed me a flyer explaining the benefits of STD testing. Apparently, I look like I need it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30545

You deserved it

3623

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27147

You deserved it

1866

Favorite

By fail - Canada

Today, to impress my friends, I attempted to do a back flip. The only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10946

You deserved it

38328

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I had a party at my house. I have a nice laptop that I hook up to the stereo, but someone almost spilt beer on it, so I took it downstairs. Later on in the night, I went down to look something up on it. Someone had taken a shit on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1841

You deserved it

374

Favorite

By Chase

Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2288

You deserved it

6257

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the doctor's office and the doctor asked me "have you been having any intimate relations?" and the first thing that I blurted out was, "you mean with other people?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

24302

You deserved it

71628

Favorite

By dormeur - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39639

You deserved it

15782

Favorite

By al - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10045

You deserved it

30471

Favorite

By Teaching26 - United States

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31040

You deserved it

17449

Favorite

By youngboob - United States - Topeka

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40101

You deserved it

3669

Favorite

By Titi14 - United States

Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13496

You deserved it

25870

Favorite

By areyoukiddingme - United States - Marion

Today, my roommate blocked my phone number and won't speak to me. All because I mistakenly used her hand soap, thinking it was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23957

You deserved it

2161

Favorite

By lizard - United States

Today, the guy who got off when the elevator's doors opened had a very embarrassed look on his face. I didn't think anything of it till the doors closed. Turns out he was running away from his deadly fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29322

You deserved it

3061

Favorite

By puzzled - United Kingdom

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I felt a lump of something in the corner of my mouth. Naturally assuming it would be a bit of food that my toothbrush had dislodged, I spat it out into the sink. It was a woodlouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32591

You deserved it

3207

Favorite

By melon squash - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13449

You deserved it

1298

Favorite

By wow - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35519

You deserved it

3114

Favorite

By troublewithbleach - United States

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35358

You deserved it

11713

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35110

You deserved it

2570

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent all day handing out flyers advertising my services as a psychic. I got only one call. The caller wanted to inform me that I had misspelt the word "psychic" on my flyer. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7768

You deserved it

42436

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my boss came to see me because he'd heard that I was homeless. I'm not homeless, and the rumour was started by a friend of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1520

You deserved it

Favorite

By Marie - 20/1/2021 05:01

Freaky

Today, I have been finding long black hairs all over my bathroom. My hair is short and blonde, and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

902

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - Ireland - Navan

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a "little person". FML

I agree, your life sucks

7140

You deserved it

1115

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 17:02

One hell of a poker game?

Today, I lost 1200 dollars, my fiancée, my dog, my apartment, and my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1070

You deserved it

266

Favorite

By unappreciated husband - United States - Pullman

Today, my wife got her period. Every single time, she ends up asking me to go buy her some midol after a few days of trying to tough it out, so I decided to buy her some ahead of time. She reacted by yelling at me for treating her like a child and implying that she couldn't go buy it herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46881

You deserved it

5066

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

274582

You deserved it

87911

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37372

You deserved it

6103

Favorite

By jodibut - United States

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36609

You deserved it

8012

Favorite

By leftout - United States - Whitney

Today, I spent the holiday with my husband's big family. They suggested we take a family picture, but two people were purposely left out of it. I was one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22181

You deserved it

1645

Favorite

By wtf - United Kingdom

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42523

You deserved it

17937

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26136

You deserved it

5830

Favorite

By seriously

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4756

You deserved it

368

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while babysitting, I brought over some colouring-in sheets as an activity. I said that I should bring some Christmas-themed ones for next time. The little girl then turned to me and said "If there is a next time." I've been put on probation by an 8-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26330

You deserved it

4061

Favorite

By Hotdamnthisismyjam - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50992

You deserved it

6580

Favorite

By Cogibbt - Canada

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1446

You deserved it

114

Favorite

By mog - United States

Office embarrassment

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1334

You deserved it

831

Favorite

By TheAce44 - United States - Davison

Today, my friend told me that Otter Box phone cases protect the phone whether it's thrown or just dropped. I disagreed. He then threw his phone across the room into a cement wall to prove it. The phone's screen was completely shattered and now he thinks I owe him a new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31360

You deserved it

2799

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18808

You deserved it

1773

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By PharmacyJoe | 13

#6573934 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:30

I'm wondering if this was just a terrible April Fools prank by someone in your life who not only has access to your dwelling, but knows about your psycho ex's enjoyment of green beans.

If not, run.

By MoidixMois43 | 21

#6573926 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:25

Time to change the locks?

COMMENTS

By gatorclay97 | 28

#6573925 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:24

You may want to move...

vikky538 | 28

#6573969 - Monday 4 April 2016 13:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Joshawott | 21

#6573972 - Monday 4 April 2016 14:04

I think #1 meant "move house", not "move on".

dolfinmaster | 7

#6574172 - Monday 4 April 2016 19:23

Doesn't mean the girlfriend did

By MoidixMois43 | 21

#6573926 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:25

Time to change the locks?

By Death546 | 25

#6573930 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:28

I think it's time for a restraining order

By hoeslikedicks | 21

#6573931 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:29

Your house is probably haunted by her. LOCK THE SAFE!

Liammg | 12

#6573954 - Monday 4 April 2016 13:08

ghosts can get through safes

SleepyPharma | 21

#6574186 - Monday 4 April 2016 19:46

I was under the impression that you had to be dead to haunt someone. If they're alive they just call that stalking!

By tigerthepredator | 16

#6573932 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:30

Set up sone cameras. Show the police.

PennyLane27 | 32

#6574194 - Monday 4 April 2016 19:55

I don't know why this is downvoted. sound advice!!!

By PharmacyJoe | 13

#6573934 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:30

I'm wondering if this was just a terrible April Fools prank by someone in your life who not only has access to your dwelling, but knows about your psycho ex's enjoyment of green beans.

If not, run.

nickob96 | 25

#6574543 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 7:31

This was posted on the 3rd

KatieJBabe | 24

#6574546 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 7:46

Could have been submitted on the 1st.

By Demon_of_Light | 27

#6573935 - Monday 4 April 2016 12:31

Drive to her house and throw them at her.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6573965 - Monday 4 April 2016 13:41

Don't validate her stalking with more stalking.

vandj8 | 9

#6573982 - Monday 4 April 2016 14:33

No, he should go there and put the bowl on her front porch (or step or whatever).

mjtg25 | 3

#6574376 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 1:29

nah if she's as psycho as he says she'll just eat them without thinking about it.

By Phantom425 | 11

#6573955 - Monday 4 April 2016 13:09

And this was the last post we ever saw from OP.

By lantz4levi | 19

#6573957 - Monday 4 April 2016 13:11

I'm kinda wondering why op isn't a fan of green beans besides this incident. They are amazing to eat

HelenLFC | 27

#6574168 - Monday 4 April 2016 19:04

Maybe because he's only had cheap microwaved ones. They can be stringy

heroqucas | 25

#6574478 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 4:52

Maybe it's because of his ex

By Pancake1887 | 8

#6573961 - Monday 4 April 2016 13:21

...Or did she?