By homewrecker - 08/11/2009 15:39 - United States
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What do you mean she "shouldn't" have gotten knocked up? She obviously loved the guy, so maybe she wanted to have his child. It's not as if she knew he was a douche. There is no YDI in this at all.
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Well, YDI or not, she isn't exactly a victim in the sense that she couldn't have helped it. She chose to date the guy. She chose to engage in an intimate relationship. She chose to stay pregnant after she got knocked up. Unless she's an unfortunate case of Stockholm syndrome or something similar, it's impossible to deny her own hand in this. Also, I'm wondering if he was still married or if she happened to be an ex who happened to have custody. The OP could've twisted this one way or another, and she doesn't appear to know that much about the guy or his family either. @OP: FYL, even though your choice of mates could've been a bit more discerning (he is an asshole, whatever the result). You've also learned an important lesson about trust, albeit at great cost. If anything good is to come of this, it would be in your best interest to consider this wisdom in the future.
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no, she shoudn't have gotten knocked up. It doesn't matter how much you love the other person, don't have kids when you aren't married. I'm not saying this to be a religious dude or whatever, I'm saying this because if you have a kid out of wedlock it is way too easy to just break up and go your separate ways and then boom! You've effed your kid's life up forever. Therefore, think about someone besides yourself and "your special someone" when you decide you wanna have a kid.
LOL! I love how you think the kids lives are magically fixed when their single parent remarries. NEWSFLASH! CHECK THE STATISTICS ON HOW WELL STEP-KIDS AND STEP-PARENTS GET ALONG! I'll give you a hint- they aren't in your favor! Adults like you treat kids like an after thought. They say, oh well even though "I" got married to woman and had a kid with her "I" don't like her anymore and "I'M" not happy so "I'M" gonna get a divorce. Oh the kid? yeah uhhh, deal with it. Sorry, you have to deal with custody and weird visiting situations, but "I" wasn't happy with "MY" marriage. I'm sure you understand. Don't worry "I'LL" be happier this way. Do you see how selfish that sounds??? When you have a kid you are taking on a MUCH larger responsibility than probably 80% of the world realizes! Believe it or not, divorcing does a LOT of damage! :( Man, I hope people see what I'm saying, cuz I'm not just making this stuff up!
Meh, my parents got divorced when I was 12 and my dad was mostly chasing skirts for the time before that anyway so I never really knew him, besides for his horrible mood swings. I turned out just fine. I think its more important to have a good role model, even if it is just one.
Wow, Jeef apparently has some "mummy/daddy doesn't love me!!!" issues! I know a number of people with married parents who just want them to get a divorce, because then everyone in the house would be so much happier, and they've wanted that since before they started school, and they've long since graduated now, my pop is actually my mums step father, and he is the greatest man I know, and my mum and uncle LOVE him. Just cause you have parent issues, don't condemn others. Moron.
@ #9 Wow. First, reading fail. It says "Today, I DROVE 600 miles" he didn't want her to come so he used the excuse of her pregnancy so she couldn't get on a plane. But she DROVE to avoid that. Second, her boyfriend of TWO years! I agree that she could have waited till marriage but things happen and she thought she could trust this man. This is in no way a YDI. Good luck to the OP. This is only the beginning. I suggest you keep the baby or put it up for adoption and DEFINITELY stay away from your "boyfriend"; he's a dick.
@53 and 64 To be fair, it's a lot harder for women to have secret families. "Honey? Weren't you pregnant when you left on that business trip? Where's the baby?" "It was my boyfriend's and I decided to leave it with him instead of pretending it was yours"? Bit awkward.
I know what your saying man, divorce screws with kids. My parents divorce was kind of hard for me to deal with at the time. But my step dad was a better role model than my real dad and we personaly got on great. That being said your statistics ar right. Everyone ripping on this guy should back off and just listen to him rather than shouting your opinion over the top of his. Hes not saying dont get a divorce for the sake of the kids, hes saying dont have kids if your going to get a divorce. understand? Its pretty damned stright forward. And you people saying no sex before marriage wtf? Your never going to solve problems like that cos its never going to happen, it shouldnt happen, casual sex is a beautiful thing, were not in the victorian era anymore so lighten up. How about this OP, you don't get pregnant to someone you've only been with two years and arn't married to, infact screw it do that, but not in a long distance relationship for gods sake, how in any way is that fair on the kid? YDI for being a dumbass
Actually, marriages based solely on the child's benefit will screw the child up more. Check your stats on that; I learned that in Basic Psychology. My parents got married because of me, and stayed married because of me. I've had 19 years of them screaming at each other, dad breaking things, mom crying at least once a day.... Oh yeah, my life is so great because my parents are still together. :I If the marriage isn't a happy one, it's of no benefit to the child. You sound like some angry kid who can't get over himself. Talking about how selfish one or both of your parents is/are for divorcing because of their problems and not thinking about you... that sounds selfish in itself, you know. Your parents' have a right to be happy too. How about thinking about why they weren't happy instead of concentrating on your unhappiness, hm? What about when a parent dies? Are they incredibly selfish for succombing to pain/illness and not thinking about how that would affect you, the child? I never said remarrying will solve everything, but some people DO get along fine with their steps. I know my ex-aunt's step-children love her more than their actual mother, so what about them, eh? Some people have a fine time with only a single parent, too.
@ DameGrayWulf Listen asshole, I've already said on this page that I came from a very solid family with two parents that loved me a lot and I literally could not have asked for a better situation growing up. I have my opinions because I have watched countless friends have their lives torn in half because their parents decided "ehh I'm not happy, lets get divorced; son you're just an after thought. you'll figure something out". I have very good reasons that can't be explained online for believing what a believe and I can assure you that not one of them is selfish. And about your situation. I'm sorry that your parents fight and don't get a long; I really am. And your situation does sound a bit unique. however, my opinion still holds (that I haven't said yet) that if you aren't getting a long with your spouse, there are people out there who can help you work through it. And those people aren't attorney's who are helping you get a divorce. They are trained professionals who help people who are having relationship troubles. Seriously, why don't people go get help from a counselor or someone when their relationship is hurting? You'll rarely catch me supporting a divorce unless one of the parents is causing actual harm to someone in the family and it is to the point where it is not safe for them to be around the other people. I'm going to ignore your comment about parents dying because simply put; it was unclever and mostly irrelevent. If a parent dies, that is a great tragedy and their widow and children suffer a great loss. No where on this page did I remotely imply that the dead person is selfish.......... anyway. And I am well aware that there are people who get along great with their steps! And honestly, thats great! however, I made it very clear that I was addressing the majority here. The majority being people who DON'T get along with their steps-there are solid statistics to support that as well. Your comment about parents having the right to be happy as well as the children is questionable at best. (I'm an adult by the way- I probably should have clarified). Yes, the parents should be happy (duh). However, the parent's happiness should never come before the well-being of a child. And this is where it comes down to a matter of opinions. In my opinion, getting a divorce has too high of a potential to put the well-being of your child at risk. (that could be a whole other post but I've been long winded for a while now). So before married couples just go making a thousand decisions and screaming "I wanna a divorce!!!!!!" they should stop and look at their children and think about how that would affect their lives. Because really, thats something way too many people don't ever do. I've seen it happen again and again and it makes me sick to my stomach. I said on another post; parenting is a much larger responsibility than a lot of people even realize. Its sad.
@ DameGrayWulf I know exactly what you mean. I know so many people who's parents are only together because of the kids and it's terrible! A lot of them fight heaps, so the whole family are always fighting, but a couple the parents are on good terms, but they don't love each other and they're miserable, and in both cases, the kids just want their parents to be happy and get divorced. I don't think divorce is a selfish thing. Staying in a loveless relationship will only hurt the parents, and eventually the kids more than divorce ever will.
Wait, wasn't your original point that kids shouldn't be born out of wedlock? Now you're talking about divorce... I don't know what your issues are, and its certainly not my place to start calling you out on them- even if I could warrant a guess, but please, don't make rash judgements about the OP's situation. From what we know, the OP turned up to the funeral of someone close to her boyfriend. A boyfriend that she has been with for over two years... to find that he already had a wife and family of his own. The FML refers to her being pregnant and presumably left with his child to raise on her own, or at least without the loving relationship the child was conceived in. FML is certainly justified.
Jeef, it is like marrajane said. A loveless relationship is of no benefit to the kids, even if no violence occurs. And many people refuse help, or are unable to get help for some reason. And nothing's saying therapy helps. Everyone in the family has a right to be happy, and that includes the parents. There are some things marriage counseling can't fix. And counseling doesn't also put a strain on the family? What about the money costs? What about the stress of the fact they're in counseling/need help? What about any frustration if progress isn't made quick enough? Oh, I'm sure that helps loads. You seem to think people only get divorced on a whim, kind of like how teens proclaim love when they know very little about their supposed loved one. They want the money, they're a total bitch, they're in an argument, etc... Life doesn't work like it does on TV; not everyone's an absolute twat only looking out for themselves, and I would think that would be especially true if they managed to have /children/ with /someone else/. You say you base what you know on people you know. Haven't you ever heard of bias? Divorce does typically shake up all persons involved, and if they don't settle that shaking then they will be very biased towards the subject of divorce and even towards the concept of love in general. You can also find that in research; children that were able to reach a closure about their parents' divorce and to realize why their parents did it and to stop focusing on themselves had happier, healthier, longer relationships than those who constantly blamed themselves for the divorce or blamed their parents for "not caring enough about them." I can actually get a citation on that, if you want. Also learned in a Psychology class. :I Again, the majority of marriages that are still marriages ONLY because of the "poor children" really screw a kid up more than them splitting. As for me, I'd really rather my parents divorce. It's too little too late to try and "fix" anything.
So, in a nut shell you're saying if you're marriage is shit don't try to fix it? Because thats how I'm reading it. Is everything in your life like that? My car popped a tire, so I'll go get a new car. My roof leaks, so I'll get a new house. My wife is moody, so I'll get a new wife?
No actually if you'll have read what I said you would have noticed that I said divorce isn't like what you see on TV where people just do it on a whim, especially when there are children involved. I also said therapy doesn't always help, not that it would /never/ help, and that some people can't get it, and that sometimes it would make it worse, but never once did I imply that it would /never/ help.
I can see your point, Jeef, but it's not quite as black and white as that. In most cases, the baby isn't planned, and at least I personally would have rather seen my parents get divorced or get raised by a single mother than never have a chance at life. It's quite possible the OP got pregnant by accident and doesn't feel right about abortion. Besides that, it would have been just as crazy to marry someone simply because you're pregnant. "Oh, I'm knocked up. I guess that means I want to spend the rest of my life with you now." That's generally a band-aid fix. If you're lucky, and they got married just because she was pregnant, they'd stay together. But rushing into a marriage is never a good idea and they'd be more likely to get a divorce and the kid would have to endure that. My point is, you said YDI to the OP because she's pregnant and you hate people who have kids out of wedlock. I'm just saying it may have been an accidental pregnancy and you have no right to judge and call the OP selfish when you don't actually know. Not to mention, I think that driving 600 miles while you're 7 months pregnant to attend the funeral of someone you don't know just to give your boyfriend support sounds pretty selfless, don't you?
I actually agree with #84. So much could have been prevented if she'd waited (as well as he) to get pregnant until after being married. Casual relationships that result in children are a recipe for disaster, and this is one of those times. If she'd insisted on waiting until they were married to get pregnant, she would probably have had a chance to realize that he's not introducing her to his family, or they're not attending the wedding, or he's not able to obtain a marriage license...it would have forced the discovery of his family, and she could have then made an informed decision. She chose casual and blind as opposed to formal and exposed, so basically, she got screwed. Literally and figuratively. Sorry, OP, but YDI, even if he's a lying sack of doo-doo.
My boyfriend and I have a son together. If anything, it's made our relationship stronger and shown that we really love each other. We've talked about marriage, but not anytime soon. He's been married before, and he doesn't want to jump too fast like he did in his previous marriage. I'm fine with that. I know he loves me.
Wow. I'm so sorry. He's a piece of shit. but YDI kinda for not knowing more about him. But also FYL because your pregnant with that motherfuckers baby
But the OP says that she and her bf have only been together for 2 years, including the time she's been pregnant. I still don't think she should be having a baby with her boyfriend of a relatively short time, but it's not her fault that the guy was secretly married.