Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking,... - FML

By clublulu - 10/4/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

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Breaking Badly

Doomed

QAnon weirdoes

By mel_bear_ - 14/3/2012 14:38 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

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By MysticSoup - 21/4/2019 22:00 - United States - Carthage

Today, I asked my doctor out on a date. He had his nurse turn me down. FML

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By My_Cow_kiM - 28/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 10:38 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

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By Hakimstah - 21/4/2012 17:38 - Lebanon

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 05:15 - Canada

Today, I was riding on my usual bus, when I noticed a man staring at me. I was having a really bad day, and said "Can you please stop staring at me?" He then replied with "I'm just trying to look out the window, and your head is in the way. Don't flatter yourself." FML

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By aeghw1s - 9/6/2011 11:50 - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

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By blahblahblah - 15/4/2020 20:00

Heart of Glass

Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML

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By shitlicker - 8/12/2015 04:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 02:01

Economy class

Today, my wife and I moved into our new place. I'm recovering from back surgery and out of work. To help make up the rent, her boyfriend moved in too. FML

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By - 24/1/2017 18:00

Today, I went paint-balling with my girlfriend. As we drove she was scared about getting shot a lot, especially in the head. I reassured her that with all the protective gear it was unlikely. First round, within a minute, she gets shot 3 times in the back of the head. FML

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By Julie - 31/3/2009 01:43 - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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By TheMysteriousTsundere - 3/11/2018 15:30

Today, my dad threw out all my food because a fly landed on a loaf of bread still in its package. He claims the bread and everything else that touched it is "contaminated". That was all the food I had for the rest of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, by helping my sweet, caring boyfriend get over his crippling insecurities and develop some confidence, I've turned him into a lying, cheating asshole I can't stand. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2013 01:47 - United States - Gonzales

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out and threatened to get a restraining order after I called him an asshole. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and over 1,000 miles away from my parents' house. FML

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By Chad - 6/9/2020 13:59 - United States - Norfolk

Medicare for all

Today, I had to have emergency work done on my teeth after I seized in the shower and smashed my face into the tub. Apparently, the dental insurance I'd been paying for but had never used ended its coverage 4 days ago, because my job was no longer working with them. FML

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By anonymous - 19/10/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

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By anonymous - 7/4/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 21:42 - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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By POLYBLOT - 30/6/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I took chocolax to help lose some weight before I left for Miami. Turns out it doesn't happen right away like in the movies, it happens six hours later in front of your girlfriends parents, that you've just met for the first time at a very upperclass restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 10:42 - United States - Richmond

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

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By 11lyss1 - 23/5/2011 04:26

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Is that even possible?

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

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By Noname - 11/3/2009 20:29 - United States

Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML

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By Dor51 - 27/10/2013 19:52 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

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By malicemassacre - 21/3/2020 15:00

Capitalism kills

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

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By Rosey - 23/7/2014 20:57 - United States - Manson

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mother still calls his ex-girlfriend her "future daughter-in-law". FML

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By Rojo - 14/8/2018 03:30

Today, I was notified that my work is cutting my pay almost in half. I just renewed my long-term lease on an expensive apartment because I was able to afford it before this morning. Now I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. FML

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By Debra2005 - 20/5/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, I adopted a dog from the local shelter. I put the dog in the car and he was shedding everywhere, but I was ok with that because he was my dog. As I pulled into the parking lot, the dog began to poop in the backseat of my car. When I got him out of the car, he ran off. $100 for him to poop and run away. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 22:09 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2016 18:22

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex in the same bed my dog pooped in because we were both too polite to ask the other person why they smelt like shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 00:01 - United States

Criminal Minds

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

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By lakatkat - 19/8/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I found out on facebook that my supposed best friend bought a concert ticket to a show. The concert ticket was the exact same amount as the plane ticket she told me she couldn't afford to come see me. FML

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By ohgodwhy - 10/5/2019 12:00

Today, me, my boyfriend and his family stayed at an AirBnB while on a trip. While I was doing my makeup, my boyfriend told me he was going to take a shower. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to shave my legs thinking my boyfriend was in there, but his dad was in the shower, scrubbing his ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 02:01

Rude

Today, my brother-in-law still insists on referring to me as "his brother's wife" and tells everyone I'm not his "sister-in-law." I've been married to his brother for 10 years. FML

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By hatemyjob - 25/2/2010 22:29 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

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By Mary - 16/2/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, like all days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice; but today he decided to bring this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family 'brave' enough to go fetch our cat's gift. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I got a new follow suggestion. I checked her feed, and found out it was my ex-fiancé’s newest fiancée. And he'd proposed to her using an $185 ring I'd bought myself for my birthday last year. FML

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By crazyvulva9216 - 27/1/2009 01:17 - United States

Today, I got bored on the toilet and decided to paint my nails. I ended up having to wait half an hour to wipe. FML

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Top comments

By luxor21221 | 0

#98730 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:09

You "absent mindedly" put magnets in your mouth........ And then you "accidently" swallowed them....... How do you figure???????????

By ScottyD620 | 0

#98739 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:14

what's wrong with swallowing magnets? you can walk up to a girl wearing a bunch of jewelry (well maybe really really cheap jewelry thats magnetic) and be like.. "I think there's a connection.. I'm magnetically attracted to you"

COMMENTS

By luxor21221 | 0

#98730 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:09

You "absent mindedly" put magnets in your mouth........ And then you "accidently" swallowed them....... How do you figure???????????

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#881088 - Monday 22 February 2010 4:56

My friend was chewing on a bingo chip once and swallowed it. Shit happens.

Reply

z620 | 0

#930137 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 23:22

why the hell would u put such objects in ur mouth? I would laugh too

Reply

wasted0087 | 0

#945708 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:55

I was once talking to two of my friends and absent mindedly ate my sandwich and whole plate of chips... I had had no recollection of it an thought they took it while I was talking... I still don't remember eating any of it...

Reply

mrbeastmode | 0

#1740711 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 17:43

I think your name gives us a pretty good reason why you don't remember

By reset_button | 0

#98734 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:11

Wow I hope you "absent mindedly" swallow a bullet

By ScottyD620 | 0

#98739 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:14

what's wrong with swallowing magnets? you can walk up to a girl wearing a bunch of jewelry (well maybe really really cheap jewelry thats magnetic) and be like.. "I think there's a connection.. I'm magnetically attracted to you"

Reply

RyGan | 0

#1212891 - Monday 9 August 2010 17:24

that would be amazingly epic

Reply

sushi314 | 12

#5246146 - Friday 14 December 2012 6:25

That's... Not how jewelry works

Reply

venomousflower | 24

#6276026 - Tuesday 28 April 2015 15:59

It's a girl not a guy

By TeenTiger | 0

#98740 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:14

YDI. Not sure why you had to go to the ER for it though. They just tell you to go home and let it pass through your system.

Reply

TheDarkCynder | 2

#3156598 - Monday 22 August 2011 5:13

Two magnets is bad, if they disconnect then reconnect somewhere else in different places if the intestines then it can cause internal bleeding.

Reply

brianfantana32 | 10

#3902261 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 7:50

And rip your guts apart

By SpunkT | 0

#98741 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:14

What the hell. Are you four years old? Why are you putting that crap in your mouth?

By Sue21 | 0

#98758 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:23

Can i stick a something magnetic on you?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960704 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960706 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960710 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960713 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960715 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

#4648964 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 14:32

Jesus Christ. You horny bastard, calm down. -.-

By Demon_fml | 0

#98770 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:30

my cousin would do this...he is 3

By alllllllly | 0

#98773 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:32

i've done pretty much the same thing, don't worry.

Reply

milena28_fml | 0

#1362479 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 1:07

me too. but I swallowed a nickel /: yeaaah. I was like 8

Reply

bellebe1998 | 16

#5833474 - Monday 20 January 2014 20:19

that's not the same thing then...

By starbaby | 0

#98778 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:34

I hope they were atleast those little ones shapped like fruit.

By Endymion_fml | 0

#98782 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:37

If they were small enough to swallow, they're small enough to... pass.