Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking,... - FML

By clublulu - 10/4/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12743

You deserved it

76895

Tweet

Share

Boozehound

The opposite of a good idea

Great boyfriend

By MattVh - 12/1/2010 17:23 - Belgium

Today, someone had put a lock on my bike. While I was trying to saw it off, the police drove by. I was arrested for trying to steal a bike and released four hours later when they figured out that it was actually my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32802

You deserved it

2441

Tweet

Share

By yblamemebiatch - 16/3/2016 10:56 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21897

You deserved it

1293

Tweet

Share

By lonelygirl - 9/4/2013 04:59 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I didn't mind paying a little bit extra for my manicure because I forgot how nice it was to have someone hold your hand. Even if it was an old Asian lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37195

You deserved it

5633

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 18:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he may have an STD. When I asked who he was with before me, and where it might have come from, he listed off almost every single one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40073

You deserved it

5404

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/3/2013 14:40 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was taking a peaceful stroll in the local park when a curious turkey decided to follow me. Trying to shoo it away, I swung my leg at it, as if to fake kick it. Being the stupid animal it is, it decided to fly into my leg as I swung, causing my foot to connect to its neck. It died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25336

You deserved it

50017

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I'm being admitted to the hospital for severe exhaustion. Why am I exhausted? For spending 12 hours at the hospital while my sister gave birth. The same hospital I'm being admitted to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24770

You deserved it

5939

Tweet

Share

By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4579

You deserved it

1311

Tweet

Share

By failhusband - 10/7/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29071

You deserved it

72818

Tweet

Share

By HURP - 17/6/2015 15:41 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25984

You deserved it

13049

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/8/2018 14:30

Today, I called my boyfriend and a woman answered. Turns out, she's also his girlfriend. She broke up with me on his behalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3378

You deserved it

194

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

I agree, your life sucks

672

You deserved it

1434

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29309

You deserved it

2235

Tweet

Share

By MyEarsHurt - 16/9/2012 23:01 - United States - Stockton

Today, my next-door neighbor decided to become a rapper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22302

You deserved it

2072

Tweet

Share

By kill me now - 16/1/2017 21:22

Today, I realised I've sucked dick to every Simon Pegg movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5117

You deserved it

6440

Tweet

Share

By danmarino - 9/3/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to google it when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39654

You deserved it

83492

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 06:34 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick but went into my waitressing job because I'd already missed 3 days this week. I was dizzy and managed to spill a tray of drinks all over the customers. Then, when their food was done, I tripped and spilled hot chili all over the man's lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25900

You deserved it

11892

Tweet

Share

By me - 4/2/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36106

You deserved it

5945

Tweet

Share

By mom - 6/12/2012 19:23 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I was visiting my daughter, whose husband was still asleep at noon. I made a point of stomping around on the hardwood floor and speaking loudly to wake his lazy ass up. Turns out he's now working a 14-hour graveyard shift, and it has no negative effect on his shoe-throwing skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6749

You deserved it

85253

Tweet

Share

By owmyballs - 17/12/2009 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9034

You deserved it

37112

Tweet

Share

By hopeless - 26/2/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12967

You deserved it

74133

Tweet

Share

By anon - 31/7/2010 17:04 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31081

You deserved it

6946

Tweet

Share

By theraarman - 21/12/2009 12:13 - France

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has to pretend to have another boyfriend who is not me because her siblings and cousins do not accept me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31531

You deserved it

3066

Tweet

Share

By "Lennie Mcfish" - 30/12/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me. Why do you ask? She caught me masturbating even though she previously told me she won't have sex with until she's married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3074

Phew, glad it wasn't me

497

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31972

You deserved it

5724

Tweet

Share

By he's mine - 14/11/2012 07:46 - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, I found my sister's wedding book. Inside it was a list of potential grooms; she'd written down all of my ex-boyfriends. And my fiancé. We're getting married in three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26781

You deserved it

1860

Tweet

Share

By box bulge - 21/10/2011 01:24 - China

Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36892

You deserved it

9914

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3430

You deserved it

786

Tweet

Share

By unemployed - 18/10/2016 00:05 - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11345

You deserved it

744

Tweet

Share

By ari - 27/7/2019 20:00

Today, while on a road trip, I went to the bathroom at a gas station and locked the door. Turns out the lock was automatic and I'd actually unlocked it. My mom walked in on me, but instead of apologizing and leaving, she yelled at me in the middle of the gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1517

You deserved it

150

Tweet

Share

By kfoehslfns - 1/8/2010 08:45 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39309

You deserved it

12648

Tweet

Share

By unbelievable - 3/6/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7067

You deserved it

1390

Tweet

Share

By cuntocracy - 21/1/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48063

You deserved it

5994

Tweet

Share

By Stevo - 18/6/2010 07:13 - United States

Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40434

You deserved it

11827

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/12/2012 07:48 - United States

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18517

You deserved it

29696

Tweet

Share

By nackpattywhackgiveadogabone - 23/9/2010 11:01 - United States

Today, after I got off work, as I walked into the house, I noticed something running across the floor towards me and out of complete terror I kicked it halfway across my living room, not knowing what it was. Turns out it was my roommate's new puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15010

You deserved it

50321

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25282

You deserved it

1952

Tweet

Share

By nk - 3/11/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36441

You deserved it

11976

Tweet

Share

By Natalie - 2/3/2010 22:05 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25314

You deserved it

5208

Tweet

Share

By almost - 22/8/2017 16:00

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4122

You deserved it

313

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36992

You deserved it

3532

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By luxor21221 | 0

#98730 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:09

You "absent mindedly" put magnets in your mouth........ And then you "accidently" swallowed them....... How do you figure???????????

By ScottyD620 | 0

#98739 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:14

what's wrong with swallowing magnets? you can walk up to a girl wearing a bunch of jewelry (well maybe really really cheap jewelry thats magnetic) and be like.. "I think there's a connection.. I'm magnetically attracted to you"

Comments

By luxor21221 | 0

#98730 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:09

You "absent mindedly" put magnets in your mouth........ And then you "accidently" swallowed them....... How do you figure???????????

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#881088 - Monday 22 February 2010 4:56

My friend was chewing on a bingo chip once and swallowed it. Shit happens.

Reply

z620 | 0

#930137 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 23:22

why the hell would u put such objects in ur mouth? I would laugh too

Reply

wasted0087 | 0

#945708 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:55

I was once talking to two of my friends and absent mindedly ate my sandwich and whole plate of chips... I had had no recollection of it an thought they took it while I was talking... I still don't remember eating any of it...

Reply

mrbeastmode | 0

#1740711 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 17:43

I think your name gives us a pretty good reason why you don't remember

By reset_button | 0

#98734 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:11

Wow I hope you "absent mindedly" swallow a bullet

By ScottyD620 | 0

#98739 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:14

what's wrong with swallowing magnets? you can walk up to a girl wearing a bunch of jewelry (well maybe really really cheap jewelry thats magnetic) and be like.. "I think there's a connection.. I'm magnetically attracted to you"

Reply

RyGan | 0

#1212891 - Monday 9 August 2010 17:24

that would be amazingly epic

Reply

sushi314 | 12

#5246146 - Friday 14 December 2012 6:25

That's... Not how jewelry works

Reply

venomousflower | 24

#6276026 - Tuesday 28 April 2015 15:59

It's a girl not a guy

By TeenTiger | 0

#98740 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:14

YDI. Not sure why you had to go to the ER for it though. They just tell you to go home and let it pass through your system.

Reply

TheDarkCynder | 2

#3156598 - Monday 22 August 2011 5:13

Two magnets is bad, if they disconnect then reconnect somewhere else in different places if the intestines then it can cause internal bleeding.

Reply

brianfantana32 | 10

#3902261 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 7:50

And rip your guts apart

By SpunkT | 0

#98741 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:14

What the hell. Are you four years old? Why are you putting that crap in your mouth?

By Sue21 | 0

#98758 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:23

Can i stick a something magnetic on you?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960704 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960706 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960710 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960713 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

Epicperson23 | 0

#2960715 - Saturday 23 July 2011 22:30

hey u wanna have sex? ?

Reply

antmanzero | 8

#4648964 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 14:32

Jesus Christ. You horny bastard, calm down. -.-

By Demon_fml | 0

#98770 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:30

my cousin would do this...he is 3

By alllllllly | 0

#98773 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:32

i've done pretty much the same thing, don't worry.

Reply

milena28_fml | 0

#1362479 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 1:07

me too. but I swallowed a nickel /: yeaaah. I was like 8

Reply

bellebe1998 | 16

#5833474 - Monday 20 January 2014 20:19

that's not the same thing then...

By starbaby | 0

#98778 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:34

I hope they were atleast those little ones shapped like fruit.

By Endymion_fml | 0

#98782 - Friday 10 April 2009 12:37

If they were small enough to swallow, they're small enough to... pass.