Health: Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing...

By PrintMaster - United States

Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing and an alarm sounded. Curious, I looked up, only to get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler for the produce section of the store. FML

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Health

Mother of the year

Messed up

The Teaching Life

By queenmabby

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, a customer handed me a 100 dollar bill. He then told me that it was my tip for doing a good job. He snatched it away just as I touched it, laughed, and said, "Just kidding." He then took his money and left the store. FML

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27065

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 05:01

Where there's a will…

Today, as a final effort to get me to lose weight, my recently deceased father left me $25,000 on his will, which is only to be released to me once I weigh 150 pounds. No exceptions. I'm about to lose my house. FML

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967

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By drchinky888 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I was having dinner at my aunt's house who just migrated to Germany from India and doesn't know any German. I asked for the recipe of a dish and she said that she has been buying these cans with cute kitty picture and just adds spices to it. Catfood is delicious I must admit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

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By I wasn't being clingy geez - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "too clingy". I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks and texted her first once. Guess that's still too much for her. FML

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By ltwlty - China - Beijing

Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

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The hustler

Today, my boyfriend of six months, who happened to be my first kiss, broke up with me after borrowing 120 dollars. Not twenty minutes later, he was at the bar drinking with my brothers and my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because "Wifi's all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband yelled at me for not doing any household chores. I can barely move my hand without suffering excruciating pain, due to recent surgery to ease my arthritis, and my other hand is as bad as ever. I can barely work this phone, let alone wash dishes and iron clothes. FML

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By anon - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I told my dad that scientists discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all b.s and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

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By Yellow an - United States

Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, my parents favoritism towards my brother really shone through when we moved house and he got the nicest and by far biggest room. I wouldn't mind, but my brother is in college overseas and never comes home. FML

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By sad-boing - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

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By Thorin - United Kingdom

Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my parents met my boyfriend for the first time. They spent the entire meal trying to convince him to dump me, all while I was sitting right next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went outside to scrape the inch and a half of ice off my car so I could get to work. After half an hour of intense scraping, I realized that it wasn't my car. FML

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16909

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By KatieElizabeth - United States - San Francisco

Today, at work, I had a customer accuse me of taking the giftcard I had issued her for her return, after spending 15 minutes trying to fix her screwed up transaction. She began to yell, and follow me around the store. Security had to intervene and I had to be locked in an office until she left. FML

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By Jasmine - United States - Sacramento

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I noticed he looked uncomfortable. When I asked what was wrong, he asked when the last time I shaved was. I answered, "I shaved my legs this morning." He shook his head and said, "No, I meant your face." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

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By hardee fucking har yourself, sir - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML

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By Jimmy - Australia

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a skinhead sucker-punched me in the gut, grabbed my football, and ran away, giggling like a maniac. FML

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1355

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By hatemyjob - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

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By small dick energy

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

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By BigBangCheater - United States - Loves Park

Today, I had my first free night in months. I spent it doing homework and watching TV. I had set my Facebook status to say I was spending time with the boys from The Big Bang Theory, then fell asleep. I woke up later to an angry text from my boyfriend thinking I was cheating on him. FML

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By DDRFreak - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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By Allie cat

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Hello, is me you're looking for?

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

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50059

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By Soulara89 - United States - Orlando

The sad truth

Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML

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By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

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37649

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By Username - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

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By vela9002 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML

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By Olerbia - United States

Today, while working at Walmart, I was walking the sales floor and passed the end of an aisle. I saw a customer coming at me from the corner of my eye, so I jumped backwards. I hit a display case, and watched it topple over before turning to apologize to the customer. It was a ladder. FML

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40022

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By la poisse - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

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34943

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By SophieGray - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

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38788

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 20:01

Twinned

Today, I realized my boyfriend is a little too much like my ex, who passed away 6 years ago. Some days, it's as if I'm dating his personality doppleganger. FML

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1208

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By ktorih137 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annapolis

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

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Top comments

By VoodooGypsy | 2

#1112785 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

I always used to put my face in the mist when I was a kid. Not a big deal.

By CallMeHush | 0

#1112840 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:02

Oh the HORROR!

COMMENTS

By _streets_ | 19

#1112783 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

lol WTF? fyl

destinyisdead | 5

#1112811 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:59

ahh. you are such a whimp if you think that's gonna hurt you. you probably needed it. if you took more showers you wouldn't be so alarmed at water hitting you in the face.

WTFjizzinmypantz | 0

#1112818 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:00

hahah fail

the_flirtt | 0

#1112826 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:00

wow this is a lame fml

imaginaryvoice | 18

#1112879 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:06

You should start licking the mist. Haha

Arsonnist | 3

#1112888 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:07

Haha tricked ya.

the_flirtt | 0

#1112905 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:09

wat lmao ?

missmurderx | 8

#1112908 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:10

exactly; lame.
how'd this get passed?!
it's not an fml; it's more like an ehh, shit happens moment.
silly kid. xD

Shokz992 | 0

#1112942 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:15

And the fact you instinctively looked up? Stupid FML.

Arsonnist | 3

#1113006 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:32

Retard on aisle 12. Jk op.

Generalx3 | 0

#1113026 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:35

this is not a legit fml. o.o

whoooop | 0

#1113073 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:43

what a fag

kfrizzle2 | 4

#1113145 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:57

I smell my armpits.

abcdefghijKayla | 0

#1113177 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:03

oh my god, you are so stupid.

Generalx3 | 0

#1113185 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:03

why was this put thru? o.o

Shookitup | 0

#1113242 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:21

fail.

holysmokes420 | 0

#1113280 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:29

no. you

MrWTF_fml | 2

#1113287 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:31

op I think you were stinking up the store so they had to give you a shower hahahahah

YourEvilHero | 12

#1113308 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:40

I like toput my hands in the mist, then all the germy dirty water drips onto the food

hales1919 | 3

#1113372 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 11:18

ahah if I saw that I would laugh at you

nyrangers1022 | 6

#1113441 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 12:07

its just mist, u dont get soaked from it. how did i never notice that vegetable aisles have sprinklers

OhWowFYLindeed | 0

#1113665 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 13:31

It's just water, chill. :) Itll dry off.

love_musik | 0

#1113872 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 15:50

I agree with the above ^^
you aren't going to melt or anything. and it was a sprinkler right not a downpour....

gabbster95 | 0

#1114592 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:33

Free Shower!!!!!!!!

megiscool123 | 0

#1114609 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:41

hahah see if I were u i'd be laughing

msyelowbubblegum | 0

#1114993 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 20:04

hahahahahahha oh wow stupid :P no biggy except its kinda embarassing and it hirts ur eyes for a lil bit get over it :) haha

DiscountDJ25 | 0

#1118220 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 7:03

It seems that some of the employees there found out how to work the watering system.
Sounds like a joke I would do.

TiffanyBlews27 | 0

#1119613 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 17:58

... Maybe the OP was afraid of melting? lol

By VoodooGypsy | 2

#1112785 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

I always used to put my face in the mist when I was a kid. Not a big deal.

isaiaha11 | 2

#1114419 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 17:47

agree and did the same^

sourgirl101 | 28

#1114469 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 17:58

Ya they have those mist machines at Disney. So refreshing on a hot day.

twinny_sc | 13

#1115522 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 22:31

#2 I still do that...

By cbr600_fml | 0

#1112787 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

this is not a fml so u got a little wet big deal

By danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1112789 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

oh wow laaamme

By shea627 | 20

#1112791 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:57

I love those

serbodude | 0

#1113139 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:56

your picture makes you sound/look sarcastic

serbodude | 0

#1113152 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:59

nvm. this one mad kid said that he loved the shower things. I swear he was here a minute ago...

serbodude | 0

#1113158 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:00

WTF!?! there he is!

Freeze_fml | 16

#1113271 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:28

I think it's a girl.

956TXking | 0

#1114153 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 16:49

WTF is it?

shea627 | 20

#1114614 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:41

well I'm trying to change it but my computer broke and I don't think I can do it from
my phone

serbodude | 0

#1115045 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 20:18

it was a different picture when I wrote my first comment. no offence to " Shea " but I can't tell what gender you are

By Doomire | 0

#1112798 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:57

why was this passed? the exact same FML was posted earlier today....

_streets_ | 19

#1112902 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:09

this is a very stupid fml I do not understand how it got passed either.

By aznkimmy77 | 0

#1112801 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:58

Haha. I love those little spray things xP

By MotherGrimm | 0

#1112805 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:58

Deffinately not an FML

By hsshae | 0

#1112836 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:01

bitch got sprayed haha

By CallMeHush | 0

#1112840 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:02

Oh the HORROR!