Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing...

By PrintMaster - 20/7/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing and an alarm sounded. Curious, I looked up, only to get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler for the produce section of the store. FML

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Health

Time for the ER

Last dates

Race against the clock

By Wolf145 - 11/10/2012 05:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2020 14:00

My husband's passion

Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning he spent 2 hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after 5 minutes, then 5 minutes after that, he was playing with the cat again. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 16:38 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML

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By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - 9/6/2014 21:45 - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

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By xoxo - 1/4/2020 02:00 - United States

Miscommunication

Today, my boyfriend won't talk to me because I let a giggle slip during sex and he's convinced I was laughing at him. FML

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By beyondembarrassed - 5/5/2013 05:44 - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, they are pumping out the septic system in the building next door. I am three months pregnant, suffering from morning sickness, and can smell everything within a three-mile radius. FML

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By mayhemily - 21/9/2015 16:22 - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 08:01

Protection

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

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By TheLastSerenade - 23/1/2013 08:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a woman breast feeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, I was at my summer babysitting job. The family's dog puked on the carpet and I proceeded to clean it up with baking soda and a mix of water/vinegar. Instead of blending in with the other areas of the carpet, the one spot I cleaned is white while the other areas are still darkened by filth. FML

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By Oops - 26/10/2018 12:00

Today, I went commando for the first time at school. It went really well until gym class, when I got distracted and changed like I normally do. I didn’t realize my mistake until my friends started laughing. I accidentally stripped in front of my whole class. FML

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By GreatBlakWarior - 7/9/2020 08:03 - South Africa - Pretoria

Serious times

Today, after several unsuccessful job interviews, I'm starting to feel emotionally down as both my mum and myself are out of work due to Covid. I even applied as a call centre agent with a friend that offered training. He got accepted and I didn't. FML

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By mcfatty - 14/8/2016 04:21 - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

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By hellostupid - 28/3/2013 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

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By Alex - 26/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

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By OompaLoompa - 18/6/2009 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2014 15:42 - United States - Springfield

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

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By alliwantisabandaid - 11/2/2011 08:27

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

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By levi69 - 18/5/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 21:41 - United States - Romulus

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML

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By someone72 - 22/3/2010 23:20 - United States

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated cause I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone I realized my mind played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2014 05:03 - United States

Today, I set up a small social gathering for a few friends. One of them didn't have a ride, so the others, who'd already shown up, went to go give him a ride. After no sign of them for a whole hour, I called to see what was wrong. They went out to eat and completely forgot about me. FML

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By anonymous - 3/8/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

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By smh - 15/7/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, my mom and dad played rock, paper, scissors over who gets to spend the night with me in the hospital tonight while I have surgery. FML

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By Jeepers - 29/6/2009 14:30 - United Kingdom

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - 18/7/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By RiverRunsRed - 22/9/2019 22:00

Gamers rise up

Today, I've been debating all day on whether I'm going to have to sell some of my video games to afford pads. FML

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By quarantine15 - 28/4/2020 14:00

Oh, so sexy

Today, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband of 6 years if he wanted to "put a baby in me." He shook the recent belly fat I gained and asked, "Is there room for a baby in there?" FML

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By single again - 6/9/2013 00:29 - United States - Chico

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2016 02:38

Today, I walked into the living room to find my boyfriend plucking his ball hairs with the same tweezers I use for my eyebrows. FML

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By beforegirl - 8/11/2010 21:11 - Australia

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

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By twinkie2 - 21/1/2011 08:35 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

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By UpAllNight - 9/2/2019 13:00 - Palestinian Territory

Today, I had to sleep at my in-laws' house. My in-laws' bedroom is directly above the one we’re sleeping in. For the last 20 minutes, all I can hear is the bed going, “Thud, thud, thud.” FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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By Dammit - 7/7/2012 04:45 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML

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By Al - 22/6/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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By Anon - 21/2/2017 16:00 - Canada - Calgary

Birthday Bitch

Today, I received an angry phone call from a friend whose birthday party I missed last night. Yesterday, I gave birth to my son. She claims that I ruined her party and demands I still bring her a birthday gift. FML

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Top comments

By VoodooGypsy | 2

#1112785 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

I always used to put my face in the mist when I was a kid. Not a big deal.

By CallMeHush | 0

#1112840 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:02

Oh the HORROR!

COMMENTS

By _streets_ | 19

#1112783 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

lol WTF? fyl

destinyisdead | 5

#1112811 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:59

ahh. you are such a whimp if you think that's gonna hurt you. you probably needed it. if you took more showers you wouldn't be so alarmed at water hitting you in the face.

WTFjizzinmypantz | 0

#1112818 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:00

hahah fail

the_flirtt | 0

#1112826 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:00

wow this is a lame fml

imaginaryvoice | 18

#1112879 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:06

You should start licking the mist. Haha

Arsonnist | 3

#1112888 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:07

Haha tricked ya.

the_flirtt | 0

#1112905 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:09

wat lmao ?

missmurderx | 8

#1112908 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:10

exactly; lame.
how'd this get passed?!
it's not an fml; it's more like an ehh, shit happens moment.
silly kid. xD

Shokz992 | 0

#1112942 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:15

And the fact you instinctively looked up? Stupid FML.

Arsonnist | 3

#1113006 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:32

Retard on aisle 12. Jk op.

Generalx3 | 0

#1113026 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:35

this is not a legit fml. o.o

whoooop | 0

#1113073 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:43

what a fag

kfrizzle2 | 4

#1113145 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:57

I smell my armpits.

abcdefghijKayla | 0

#1113177 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:03

oh my god, you are so stupid.

Generalx3 | 0

#1113185 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:03

why was this put thru? o.o

Shookitup | 0

#1113242 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:21

fail.

holysmokes420 | 0

#1113280 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:29

no. you

MrWTF_fml | 2

#1113287 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:31

op I think you were stinking up the store so they had to give you a shower hahahahah

YourEvilHero | 12

#1113308 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:40

I like toput my hands in the mist, then all the germy dirty water drips onto the food

hales1919 | 3

#1113372 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 11:18

ahah if I saw that I would laugh at you

nyrangers1022 | 6

#1113441 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 12:07

its just mist, u dont get soaked from it. how did i never notice that vegetable aisles have sprinklers

OhWowFYLindeed | 0

#1113665 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 13:31

It's just water, chill. :) Itll dry off.

love_musik | 0

#1113872 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 15:50

I agree with the above ^^
you aren't going to melt or anything. and it was a sprinkler right not a downpour....

gabbster95 | 0

#1114592 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:33

Free Shower!!!!!!!!

megiscool123 | 0

#1114609 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:41

hahah see if I were u i'd be laughing

msyelowbubblegum | 0

#1114993 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 20:04

hahahahahahha oh wow stupid :P no biggy except its kinda embarassing and it hirts ur eyes for a lil bit get over it :) haha

DiscountDJ25 | 0

#1118220 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 7:03

It seems that some of the employees there found out how to work the watering system.
Sounds like a joke I would do.

TiffanyBlews27 | 0

#1119613 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 17:58

... Maybe the OP was afraid of melting? lol

By VoodooGypsy | 2

#1112785 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

I always used to put my face in the mist when I was a kid. Not a big deal.

isaiaha11 | 2

#1114419 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 17:47

agree and did the same^

sourgirl101 | 28

#1114469 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 17:58

Ya they have those mist machines at Disney. So refreshing on a hot day.

twinny_sc | 13

#1115522 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 22:31

#2 I still do that...

By cbr600_fml | 0

#1112787 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

this is not a fml so u got a little wet big deal

By danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1112789 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:56

oh wow laaamme

By shea627 | 20

#1112791 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:57

I love those

serbodude | 0

#1113139 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:56

your picture makes you sound/look sarcastic

serbodude | 0

#1113152 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:59

nvm. this one mad kid said that he loved the shower things. I swear he was here a minute ago...

serbodude | 0

#1113158 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:00

WTF!?! there he is!

Freeze_fml | 16

#1113271 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 10:28

I think it's a girl.

956TXking | 0

#1114153 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 16:49

WTF is it?

shea627 | 20

#1114614 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:41

well I'm trying to change it but my computer broke and I don't think I can do it from
my phone

serbodude | 0

#1115045 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 20:18

it was a different picture when I wrote my first comment. no offence to " Shea " but I can't tell what gender you are

By Doomire | 0

#1112798 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:57

why was this passed? the exact same FML was posted earlier today....

_streets_ | 19

#1112902 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:09

this is a very stupid fml I do not understand how it got passed either.

By aznkimmy77 | 0

#1112801 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:58

Haha. I love those little spray things xP

By MotherGrimm | 0

#1112805 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:58

Deffinately not an FML

By hsshae | 0

#1112836 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:01

bitch got sprayed haha

By CallMeHush | 0

#1112840 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 9:02

Oh the HORROR!