Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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Proactive

Do as I say, not as I do

Capitalism kills

By Anonymous - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

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By Canadagirl

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

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By pplsuck - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML

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By lsta - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom told me that my new concealer is way too dark and makes my skin look hideously orange and uneven. I wasn't wearing any makeup. FML

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By nja - 12/7/2020 23:01

Socializing

Today, it's the first day in 14 weeks I've got dressed up and gone out anywhere other than to go food shopping. Shame it’s to attend a funeral. FML

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By comedybreak - United States

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a new Ipod to replace my old one which decided to stop working. After purchasing my new nano Ipod, I decided to bang my old Ipod on the desk very hard because it was useless. It started working again. FML

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By Anonymous

Professional.

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML

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By arghhh - United States

Today, I finished my internship working in a government lab. I got paid $4000 for the summer. I was talking to my cousin, who said that when he worked as a carnie last summer he made $8000. I get paid half as much for doing research as a carnie does for serving people sno-cones. FML

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By n77 - Switzerland

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

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By bandcamp926 - United States

Today, after the two week winter break, I went back to school to find that the bookbag that I'd left in my car was covered in some creepy, pink gooey stuff. Under the freezing conditions, my lotion had exploded all over my notes and bag. FML

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By Barking Mad - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Livingston

Today, due to my allergies I can't stop sneezing. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for my hemorrhoids making each sneeze feel like I'm getting a cactus shoved up my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 05:00

Water, water, everywhere

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

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By FMLMom - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

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By notcool - United States

Today, I finished part of a project. When I asked my coworkers what they thought, they said they liked one of the few things that had already been implemented almost a year ago. Thanks for noticing. FML

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By Annoyed - United States - Accokeek

Today, after watching an episode of New Girl, my boyfriend became obsessed with the "Cotton-eyed Joe" song. He won't stop playing it. FML

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By GrLifeusx - United States

Today, I was going to a Harry Potter convention since I love the books so much. On my drive there I got lost, and it only got worse when my car broke down. Since I forgot my cell phone I decided to try and hitch a ride. I stood on the side of a road for two hours dressed like Ron Weasley. FML

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By nazirah4shizzle - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML

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By EKG - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was so zoned-out, I shouted a hello to the chair in the staff room. It's the third time today I've mistaken an inanimate object for a person. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

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By SiegFail

Today, my students are asking friends and family to come to a charity event. That would be all well if they weren't constantly mixing up "Rally Against Genocide" and "Support Genocide Victims" and telling everyone to come to the "Rally to Support Genocide". FML

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By SweetFA - Canada

Today, I brought my little sons into work with me. I introduced them to my boss. She said to my shy kids, "You boys don't know me, do you? I'm Janice." The older one lit up and said, "Oh, I know you, mommy complains about you all the time." FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Ceska

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

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By halloweenless - United States

Today, I spent over $160 and 2 hours preparing for a Halloween party I was throwing. The only person who showed up was my sister, who helped me decorate. FML

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By Loopy - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By ProudMother - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, my 20-year-old came whining to me, asking why his job interviews keep going so poorly. I had to delicately explain that the "PIMP SLAP" tattoo he had put on his right hand recently may have something to do with it. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Staffanstorp

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

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By notalovestory - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I came back home in tears, and eventually told my dad what was wrong. He immediately excused himself to the living room, where I heard him tell my mum, "She's gone all Taylor Swift again." FML

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By Nope - China

Today, I defended the dried up things in the cup noodles as being real vegetables, just so that it would appear that I do actually eat vegetables. FML

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By M_Kclift1994 - United States

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

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By jordeshting - United Kingdom

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

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By ugadawgs09 - United States

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I heard a notification on my iPhone. I thought nothing of it until we were done, and then I checked it out. My mom had posted on my Facebook, telling me that if I didn't keep it down, she was going to come up to my room. FML

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By tomoxishigaki - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

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By Fuckit - United States

Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#7541995 - Sunday 17 September 2017 9:59

No worries; you can always buy a new chain! Bit odd that it shattered, though…

By arioch_fml | 18

#7541971 - Sunday 17 September 2017 5:53

Sorry Op, that sucks, guess your window of opportunity closed.

COMMENTS

By Lisa McComb | 10

#7538805 - Friday 8 September 2017 11:42

I hope you're okay!

By Little Richard | 10

#7541967 - Sunday 17 September 2017 5:46

Can you get a refund on the mount?

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7541970 - Sunday 17 September 2017 5:52

Oh, SNAP!

By arioch_fml | 18

#7541971 - Sunday 17 September 2017 5:53

Sorry Op, that sucks, guess your window of opportunity closed.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7541977 - Sunday 17 September 2017 7:29

Really?!?!? Or are you pulling my chain?

Oh, snap!

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#7542228 - Sunday 17 September 2017 22:01

Figures I beat you to it, but everybody ignores mine...

By Tripartita | 44

#7541995 - Sunday 17 September 2017 9:59

No worries; you can always buy a new chain! Bit odd that it shattered, though…

Reply

coyotefox | 25

#7542285 - Monday 18 September 2017 0:55

I've missed seeing you around!!

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#7542326 - Monday 18 September 2017 6:13

Cheers!

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7542004 - Sunday 17 September 2017 10:43

At least you now have a jigsaw puzzle to complete...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7542065 - Sunday 17 September 2017 14:49

Is that why they call it window pain?

By Regulate | 21

#7542168 - Sunday 17 September 2017 19:49

Sorry to see this. Sentimental things hurt.

By dexter420 | 21

#7544008 - Friday 22 September 2017 9:57

I cant believe you picked it up by the chain. Sorry lady