Money and Transportation: Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Oh, hai!

At will

By Anonymous - United States

Romantic

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and take me to the bedroom. Little did he know that he literally threw me over his shoulder, and I face-planted on the ground. FML

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By Rehab - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML

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By DEDMan

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

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By Emma - United States

Today, while waiting at the park for my friend, an intoxicated tramp came up to me and asked me out. After I politely declined, he snatched the phone from my hand, threw it on the ground, screamed that I was a "two-timing whore", and staggered away. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 14:07

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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By xXxtwilightLUV95xXx - United States

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML

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By Stranded - United States

Today, I got back from a romantic vacation at a fancy hotel with my boyfriend of 6 months. After a steamy love session, I confessed that I was in love with him. Later, when I got out of the shower, all his stuff was gone and I was stuck with the entire week's hotel cost and no ride home. FML

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By fired - United States - Portland

Today, I really had to pee while babysitting. Normally this isn't a problem, except the kids were sleeping and going potty would wake them up right before their parents were due home. Desperate, I decided to pee in a cup in the kitchen and wash it down the sink. Their parents came home mid-stream. FML

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By lizzardbreath - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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By Douche - 31/7/2020 23:01

Karma chameleon

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

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By ScarletBuckeye

Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes. So I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes. But at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By e.middlechild - United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

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By planking champion - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

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By what's a rimjob between friends? - United States - Boston

Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML

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By Dp. - 27/3/2021 13:59

Woohoo, party time!

Today, after 22 years, I finally got promoted to senior tech. My wife bitched about the reheated lasagna and I drank a fifth of whiskey. A celebration dinner to remember FML

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By pogodrake - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I'd really like to date to meet up for drinks. Excited, I walked out my front door, slipped on a patch of ice, and dislocated my shoulder. She won't go out on a date with me now because I "ditched her". FML

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By Melissa

Badmouth Strikes Again

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

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By Dezzy - United States - Springfield

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend a surprise striptease. After I turned around, I heard him murmur "Oh, wow." I turned back around, only to find him watching a gif of a cat falling into snow in slow motion. FML

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By jacked - United States

Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML

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By IloveJapan - Japan

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML

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By MWT77 - United States - Chicago

Today, I came home from my aunt's funeral to find my basement flooded due to a sewer backup. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered that I needed to reapply for my job in order to have a chance at keeping it. The applications closed yesterday. FML

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By E.B. - United States - Grenada

Major annoyance

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

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By Ouch

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewis Center

Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML

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By poopy pants - United States - Minneapolis

Quick Stop

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

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By CrazyInLove - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I overcame my lack of social confidence and got a date for the first time in 10 or so years. After a while, my date admitted that she's a schizophrenic with dissociative identity disorder. I guess it's back to being single. FML

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By gerbilmaster - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

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By JustMyLuck - Canada

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By thismakesmesad - United States

Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

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By BlueyedKat - United States - Huntsville

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

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By ImOverHere - United States - Whitehouse

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

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By Alex Kiwi

Preemptive strike

Today, I grounded my son for vaping. However, the coronavirus has already grounded all of us. FML

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By bad boyfriend - Canada

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#7541995 - Sunday 17 September 2017 9:59

No worries; you can always buy a new chain! Bit odd that it shattered, though…

By arioch_fml | 20

#7541971 - Sunday 17 September 2017 5:53

Sorry Op, that sucks, guess your window of opportunity closed.

COMMENTS

By Lisa McComb | 10

#7538805 - Friday 8 September 2017 11:42

I hope you're okay!

By Little Richard | 10

#7541967 - Sunday 17 September 2017 5:46

Can you get a refund on the mount?

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7541970 - Sunday 17 September 2017 5:52

Oh, SNAP!

By arioch_fml | 20

#7541971 - Sunday 17 September 2017 5:53

Sorry Op, that sucks, guess your window of opportunity closed.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7541977 - Sunday 17 September 2017 7:29

Really?!?!? Or are you pulling my chain?

Oh, snap!

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#7542228 - Sunday 17 September 2017 22:01

Figures I beat you to it, but everybody ignores mine...

By Tripartita | 44

#7541995 - Sunday 17 September 2017 9:59

No worries; you can always buy a new chain! Bit odd that it shattered, though…

Reply

coyotefox | 25

#7542285 - Monday 18 September 2017 0:55

I've missed seeing you around!!

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#7542326 - Monday 18 September 2017 6:13

Cheers!

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7542004 - Sunday 17 September 2017 10:43

At least you now have a jigsaw puzzle to complete...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7542065 - Sunday 17 September 2017 14:49

Is that why they call it window pain?

By Regulate | 21

#7542168 - Sunday 17 September 2017 19:49

Sorry to see this. Sentimental things hurt.

By dexter420 | 21

#7544008 - Friday 22 September 2017 9:57

I cant believe you picked it up by the chain. Sorry lady