Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to...

By Tag - 31/8/2013 04:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

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Miscellaneous

Fashion Police

Incognito browsing

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 28/4/2011 19:42 - United States

Today, while my teacher was helping me with a problem, the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt. FML

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By ShitHappens - 24/10/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

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By kennarama - 16/2/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I sat a client down for his haircut. He pulled off his hat and his hair was dripping wet. I asked him if he had just washed it. He responded, "No, but isn't it a hot day out?" No, it's twenty degrees and overcast today. FML

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By phatkroger10 - 10/4/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

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By Lor - 9/10/2019 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Perfume Allergy Man strikes again!

Today, a woman got on the bus wearing extremely strong perfume and sat in the seat in front of me. The gentleman I was sitting next to began violently sneezing, so much so that he eventually sneeze-vomited all over my lap and backpack. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2016 03:18 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I nearly got shitcanned for falling asleep on the job. The only reason I was so dead tired was because my idiot roommates decided to get high last night and loudly argue for hours about stupid crap like "Is it gay to screw a clone of yourself?" I got less than 2 hours of sleep because of them. FML

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By poop - 21/3/2015 16:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML

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By Julie - 23/11/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By coffee girl - 22/7/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

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By starbird - 23/2/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2013 02:56 - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By PhailedMidterm - 12/3/2013 19:03 - United States - Mattapan

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

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By CityGirl - 17/7/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

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By aninc - 28/6/2019 23:15 - United States - Boise

Today, I found out that a strong orgasm can trigger my girlfriend's PTSD. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 17:13 - United States

Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 19:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

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By taz - 5/10/2018 15:30

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

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By dormeur - 18/1/2013 11:39 - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2014 18:16 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, my friend accidentally left her facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 14:11

Today, I ate dinner sitting on the floor. My petty roommate got pissed off during the weekend and decided the appropriate action would be to lock all the furniture in her room and refuse to give it back. FML

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By good-samaritan-fail - 6/10/2009 15:56 - Australia

Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 09:50 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

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By madisonbubch - 23/9/2014 01:04 - United States - Vine Grove

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

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By meesh22 - 6/10/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By redriver - 18/6/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 13:17 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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By Saduglydad - 12/12/2012 16:05 - United States - Houston

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

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By chrono64 - 20/12/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 15:01 - France

Today, my boss walked down to my office with me to get some paperwork after a very tense, important meeting. He patiently waited while I tried to unlock my office door with my remote for my car. Twice. FML

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By notsoaloneanymore - 17/6/2016 04:32 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my parents left on vacation for the week. Taking advantage of my freedom, I was planning on having my boyfriend over. My grandparents just showed up as they 'thought I would be lonely'. I can't get rid of them. Looks like I'm not having any fun this week. FML

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By michelle91 - 2/12/2009 11:36 - Malaysia

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I "selfishly made it about me." FML

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By fml9124 - 5/9/2019 20:00

Et tu, Doggo?

Today, as usual, my neighbor's 9 year-old son came over after school. I work from home so he stays until his mom gets home. My dog mopes around the house until 3 p.m., then gets all excited because he has a friend to play with. I'm almost jealous because a dog I've had for 11 years likes him more than me. FML

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By anonymous - 13/1/2012 05:05 - Canada

Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML

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By Justmyluck - 15/11/2017 06:00

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

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By soulaar - 2/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By sleepy - 15/10/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry quiz. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my quiz was in the morning. I woke up at 10 feeling very confident. My quiz was at 9. FML

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Top comments

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#5651889 - Saturday 31 August 2013 12:36

Next time just make up a number of years.

By Wizardo | 33

#5651903 - Saturday 31 August 2013 12:45

Next time play some gunshot sounds, scream and hang up. That'll show her...

COMMENTS

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#5651889 - Saturday 31 August 2013 12:36

Next time just make up a number of years.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5651897 - Saturday 31 August 2013 12:42

Tell her how happy her husband is with you and wait for the reaction. You can have a lot of fun...

Ayden241 | 10

#5651906 - Saturday 31 August 2013 12:48

That'd be a true revenge.

ohro | 10

#5651920 - Saturday 31 August 2013 13:10

It's always fun to play along

ohsnapcrackers | 6

#5652095 - Saturday 31 August 2013 17:46

unless the husband wasn't actually cheating and you ruin their entire marriage.

Treveyon56 | 14

#5652118 - Saturday 31 August 2013 18:07

Hey if her husband wasn't cheating and she can't trust her husband before flying off the handle like this then the marriage was mostly ruined anyway.

westcoastkp | 13

#5652144 - Saturday 31 August 2013 18:44

OP should double check her latest flings (if she has any)

By jlaginski | 10

#5651891 - Saturday 31 August 2013 12:37

Perhaps she should talk to your dial tone, if she won't listen to reason?

Jjimen1654 | 9

#5652154 - Saturday 31 August 2013 19:00

Nah id troll her like theres no tomorrow.

BlueRainDude | 11

#5652272 - Saturday 31 August 2013 20:02

Same I'd be like about "5 years... We met in high school and I just can't get enough of his man meat after all these years. He speaks fondly about you."