By wastedtime - 13/9/2020 10:57 - United States

Time to run

Today, things were going great with my girlfriend of six months. She knew I had kids and it seemed to be getting serious, so I decided to introduce her to them. After dinner, I walked her to her car and she said, "That’s real nice but what are you going to do with them once you and I have kids?" FML

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Proactive

Territorial pissings

Extreme late fees

By ashamed - 28/10/2019 02:00

Dad jokes, part #23556

Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML

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By Anne - 29/4/2012 06:41 - United States

Today, I spoke to my ex again for the first time after our breakup. The first words out of his mouth were, "I love you, so I'm going to have to confess some things in the hopes that my honesty will help us get back together." It didn't, but it does mean I have to get tested now. FML

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By Thankshun - 4/3/2013 23:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

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By effmylife - 23/10/2009 10:09 - United States

Today, I took my SUV in to get the oil changed, and the tires rotated. They allowed me to stay there, because they said it would only take 30 minutes. So I sit there in the waiting room, and I look through the window only to see my SUV falling off the lift, from 6 feet in the air. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 05:56 - United States

Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML

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By tjcl - 28/11/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML

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By uneducated - 7/3/2010 00:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old Father is the 'Sugar Daddy' to a 20-year-old. He wasted my college funds on her, which I have been dutifully saving for ever since I was 10. FML

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By ToiletTony - 19/6/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I was using the bathroom in a department store. When I was finished, I couldn't get the stall door open. I am claustrophobic and I freaked out and and started shouting for help. A 6 year old boy got the door open for me. It turns out I was pushing when I should have been pulling. FML

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By bearprint - 6/7/2016 18:45

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2014 05:27 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There was around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is and doesn't think it exists. FML

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By fuck you, gran - 9/3/2013 00:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML

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By RIP iPhone - 26/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I was using my flashlight app in the driveway to avoid stepping in puddles, as my new shoes are untreated suede. I dropped my phone in the puddle instead. FML

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By cnd1213 - 30/12/2016 18:02 - United States

Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

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By izzy - 7/2/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend left me for his sister. No, not my sister. His sister. FML

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By Rodrigeuz26 - 22/1/2010 07:26 - United States

Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML

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By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

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By Ro - 5/10/2010 02:39 - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

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By AirOne - 12/11/2008 14:39 - United States

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

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By Karen1428 - 19/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, my principal observed me teach my high school social studies class. At the end of the period, he told me, "Your zipper was open the entire time. I wonder if the students noticed that your underwear matched the buildup of dandruff on your shoulder." FML

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By poserpilot - 12/11/2012 15:10 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

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By tallesttree54 - 11/11/2016 00:38

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2016 13:36 - Estonia - Tartu

Today, at the hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML

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By ouch - 20/12/2011 12:46 - Australia

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

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By BadKneeBackAndSinuses - 23/9/2018 15:30

Today, I found out I have to have an operation. This will be the third in 3 years, all for completely unrelated reasons. I'm only 26 and apparently my body is already falling apart at the seams. FML

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By erjazo - 31/12/2014 21:19 - United States - Morris

Today, I was watching TV with my husband, and he started getting frisky. When the commercial break started, we started having sex. When he came, there were still two commercials left before the show resumed. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By BluesMan1990 - 16/9/2009 10:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 22/7/2019 06:43

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

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By anonymous - 13/9/2015 15:34 - Luxembourg

Today, my roommate remembered that we have an essay due Monday, so he wrote the full essay, while stoned, in less than an hour, without using his textbook. It was better than the one I spent all week writing. He is now upstairs having sex, and I've lost all motivation. FML

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By Deadfish - 26/7/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By cthulhu help me - 1/3/2013 18:22 - United States - Cabot

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

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By Gaz47 - 27/7/2018 19:00

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 14:50 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

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By Deweyboy - 10/10/2015 04:33 - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 23:28 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - 25/3/2013 13:13 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By AshWil - 26/6/2015 16:54 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

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By Shelbitchh - 28/7/2011 09:11 - United States

Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML

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Top comments

By TxKitten | 8

#7938022 - Sunday 13 September 2020 20:45

Red flag. Dump her. I was a single parent for a while and if a guy I was dating seriously had said that to me, I would have asked, "You're kidding, right?" And that would have been the end of it. Likewise, my current husband dated a woman before me who was offended that she couldn't visit overnight while his daughter was with him, as per the morality clause in the court ordered divorce decree. Needless to say, it didn't last very long after that. I once told my husband (before we got married) that how much he loves my kids made me love him even more. His response was, "You're a mom, that means you and the kids are a package deal. If I wasn't willing to love them, I'd have no business dating you."

THAT'S the attitude a significant other should have about their partner's children.

By lifeis4me | 20

#7938037 - Sunday 13 September 2020 21:34

She wants kids with you but expects you to abandon your own? That’s one of the most selfish things I’ve ever heard

COMMENTS

By Dolores Payne Saile | 5

#7938016 - Sunday 13 September 2020 20:16

Say bye bye now.

By TxKitten | 8

#7938022 - Sunday 13 September 2020 20:45

Red flag. Dump her. I was a single parent for a while and if a guy I was dating seriously had said that to me, I would have asked, "You're kidding, right?" And that would have been the end of it. Likewise, my current husband dated a woman before me who was offended that she couldn't visit overnight while his daughter was with him, as per the morality clause in the court ordered divorce decree. Needless to say, it didn't last very long after that. I once told my husband (before we got married) that how much he loves my kids made me love him even more. His response was, "You're a mom, that means you and the kids are a package deal. If I wasn't willing to love them, I'd have no business dating you."

THAT'S the attitude a significant other should have about their partner's children.

Reply

timinator5000 | 28

#7938189 - Monday 14 September 2020 13:19

100 percent this.

Reply

Ambrily | 27

#7938261 - Monday 14 September 2020 20:14

You and your husband sound like awesome people, and your story put a smile on my face, so thank you. :)

By lifeis4me | 20

#7938037 - Sunday 13 September 2020 21:34

She wants kids with you but expects you to abandon your own? That’s one of the most selfish things I’ve ever heard

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7938056 - Sunday 13 September 2020 22:44

You mean ex, right? Run fast.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7938061 - Sunday 13 September 2020 22:57

Tell her you plan to put down your old kids to get them out of your way.

If she doesn't object, run like hell!!!

Reply

sarkycow | 25

#7938415 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 11:18

you forgot to mention the insurance policies he's going to take out on them first ..so she doesn't have to work ... 😜😛

By genuinegoodguy | 8

#7938075 - Sunday 13 September 2020 23:28

You picked her for her brains and her empathy?

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7938107 - Monday 14 September 2020 6:18

Well hopefully you ended things right then.

By mccuish | 17

#7938148 - Monday 14 September 2020 9:24

Red flag

By Brightside86 | 18

#7938330 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 1:46

Her question must just be worded poorly. Maybe she's just asking about getting a bigger place to handle a even larger family.

By julfunky | 29

#7939426 - Saturday 19 September 2020 21:09

Your username checks out.