By Rusty Armstrong - 17/8/2020 05:01

Thanks capitalism, I hate it!

Today, the prison program I work for has been shut down for months due to Covid, but my bosses have been having us sitting at our desks, doing nothing, in proximity to the inmates. I guess they'd rather pay us to be exposed than to stay safe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1096

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Serious times

Time for the ER

True hero

By bananna - 29/5/2014 15:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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50047

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6075

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By lulupie - 8/8/2016 09:10

Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14942

You deserved it

1130

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2015 14:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my girlfriend takes creepshots of me sleeping, and my mom likes them on her Instagram. FML

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22019

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2135

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By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39252

You deserved it

5837

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31882

You deserved it

1929

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By birthday girl - 26/7/2014 04:55 - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41781

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4111

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By homealone - 14/12/2016 23:27 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, after a long day at work, I fell asleep in my living room. When I woke up, I saw a man leaving my bedroom wearing my pajamas, and I started screaming as he casually left. The cops came and apparently he's mentally ill. He truly believed it was his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9123

You deserved it

538

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By ClumsyKatey - 2/7/2017 22:00

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coatrack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5016

You deserved it

1050

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By ServingYouWings - 12/2/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I greeted my table (I'm a server) with a colloquial "Hey there, guys, how's it going?" The customers were three butch lesbians who thought I was incorrectly identifying their gender. I received no tip (on a $35 bill), and they registered a corporate complaint about my "insensitivity." FML

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44823

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By anon - 30/6/2020 08:02

Parenting

Today, my mom volunteered me to watch her cousin’s 7-year-old daughter overnight. She’s a nice kid, but sadly the mom has babied her so much that she literally can’t do a thing for herself. She needed help wiping, bathing and even brushing her teeth. Her mom does it all and never taught her differently. FML

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1424

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105

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By no tea parties here, gran - 11/4/2013 17:16 - United States

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

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39592

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6154

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 05:55 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I accidentally forwarded a link to a weird fart porn video to my chat group. They've been silent for 30 minutes now. FML

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16307

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By Shortcake - 5/7/2012 01:48 - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, what started as my mom calling my grandma for a recipe turned into them discussing the philosophical reason behind my baking. I apparently picked up baking because I'm depressed over unemployment. And here I thought I just liked the smell of baked goods. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22061

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1965

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By Alex Knight - 7/11/2017 19:00

The cake was not a lie.

Today, I bought a cake. I then immediately forgot what I was carrying, opened the door to my car, and tossed the bag into the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1829

You deserved it

4003

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By caqi33 - 8/3/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

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30127

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8973

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By "Jam2019" - 15/2/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2053

You deserved it

220

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By datingamoron - 14/2/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28232

You deserved it

3957

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By too tight - 15/2/2012 11:26 - United States

Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21213

You deserved it

13987

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By lousy - 31/1/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I live with my mother and realized she goes out with her friends and dates more times a week than I do in a single month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23961

You deserved it

3842

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By muscalata - 20/7/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend sent a text asking if I think she’s pretty. I replied "Yes, of course!" She then got mad and blocked me. Turns out she'd said "petty". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3384

You deserved it

760

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 12:49 - Canada

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

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16814

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80395

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By littelace - 19/2/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in Victoria's Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, "I wish I looked like that." He replied with, "Me too." FML

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45863

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24424

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By tnh - 17/11/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, just like every other day, I was woken up 2 hours earlier than I needed to be, by the alarm belonging to my upstairs neighbors. They won't wake up until their real alarm goes off: me, pounding the walls and yelling in frustration. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28609

You deserved it

2266

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By sickyandiknowit - 8/11/2014 07:36 - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend endearingly told me that he's been taking advantage of my inability to smell due to a head cold, and he's been farting around me whenever he pleases. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35004

You deserved it

4827

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By RachelVanLannen9 - 12/7/2010 01:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML

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37086

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10667

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By medik - 23/2/2010 12:51 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's parents house for dinner. This was the first time I was meeting them, so I bought a $70 bottle of red wine to try and impress them. I tried to be smooth while popping the cork. I did, but the bottle slipped and red wine poured onto their white carpet. FML

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29787

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8115

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By nikkrissa_04 - 7/8/2009 11:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML

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58883

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12072

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By Lady Vulva - 19/9/2015 02:56

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34666

You deserved it

3028

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By no name - 22/6/2013 07:20 - United States - Gaylord

Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML

I agree, your life sucks

46658

You deserved it

3815

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15475

You deserved it

74008

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2016 16:14 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, I finally got my fussy newborn back to sleep after the creaking of my chair woke her. I then crept two rooms over and opened a pack of chips, the crinkle of which woke her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11656

You deserved it

3043

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By monsterinlaw - 21/1/2014 06:25 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

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44469

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4122

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37025

You deserved it

4885

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By suzanneallen - 11/9/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in his car when things got hot and heavy and we decided to climb in the back. After we finished we started to put our clothes back just as a someone's brights flooded into the car. It was a cop, and he had been there the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15078

You deserved it

40788

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By miapapaya - 15/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs." FML

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56173

You deserved it

6619

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML

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12588

You deserved it

34251

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By VelociTheRaptor - 23/5/2017 02:00

Today, I was leaving work after a storm. They're building some new offices outside, so I had to walk on an uneven path near the construction zone. I came to a big puddle and tried to jump across to what I thought was a piece of asphalt. It was mud. I slipped and fell backwards into the puddle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4108

You deserved it

747

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By LadyJ - 21/3/2012 00:23 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30542

You deserved it

2112

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33458

You deserved it

2687

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By whooops - 15/8/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

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14425

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7931637 - Monday 17 August 2020 5:11

Bosses who do that ought to be sent to prison!

Shit!! They're already there.

By mccuish | 17

#7931652 - Monday 17 August 2020 6:28

Paid to do nothing. Sign me up

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7931637 - Monday 17 August 2020 5:11

Bosses who do that ought to be sent to prison!

Shit!! They're already there.

Rusty Armstrong | 13

#7932414 - Thursday 20 August 2020 0:44

Richardpencil, I scroll through this app quite often and am kind of honored that you commented on my post. thank you

RichardPencil | 28

#7932992 - Saturday 22 August 2020 12:57

You're very welcome!

Thanks for sharing your story here. Hope you stay safe and healthy.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7931646 - Monday 17 August 2020 5:40

You must work at Lansing... glad my husband got out of there when he did! The prisons are majorly infested with this crap, and the workers are not being protected at all.

By mccuish | 17

#7931652 - Monday 17 August 2020 6:28

Paid to do nothing. Sign me up