System Failure

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

Weird kid

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Mind your own beeswax

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 22:26 - United States

29282

3953

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

By Anonymous - 1/2/2016 12:00 - United States - Montgomery

27022

5979

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

By Useless training - 11/7/2014 06:04 - United States - Saint Charles

47589

4727

Today, I realized I have no life after I created a fake Facebook account, posted an insulting message on my wall, and then engaged in a vicious argument with it, just so I could impress my friends. FML

By jen - 8/7/2011 14:57 - United States

12273

57470

Today, I had to perform a skit in my class in which I have to wear tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt like I had done a good job. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML

By spandex - 24/3/2009 06:47 - United States

85258

11881

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2009 02:31 - United States

33424

6641

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

By Son - 3/9/2018 17:30 - United States

2533

180

Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300km away with my dad. FML

By nubs - 27/9/2018 15:30

2629

134

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

By ritz - 10/9/2009 14:15 - United States

10495

55924

Today, I found out that I'm named after my dad's favourite drink. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2010 12:07 - United Kingdom

34351

4547

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

By Kimberpoo - 14/3/2013 06:21 - United States - San Diego

32772

5629

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 22:00

You wanker!

846

1734

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

By Zitty - 12/7/2009 18:18 - United States

18526

65077

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

By rosie21030 - 24/7/2017 10:33 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

4895

734

Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

By lovingpsychosis - 26/5/2011 07:53 - United Kingdom

43977

3826

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:36 - United States

16781

47619

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

By Anonymous - 13/2/2014 01:12 - United States - Coraopolis

50198

7723

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

By ihatevideos - 16/3/2009 23:08 - United States

194044

37306

Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML

By lululee53 - 31/12/2011 00:07 - United States

8242

49486

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

By not laughing anymore - 11/12/2014 19:55 - Netherlands - Egelshoek

29689

6406

Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After getting bored of playing on the climbers, she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasn’t the only chunky brown stuff on the ground. FML

By Abeille - 17/3/2011 00:50 - Canada

33831

3918

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

By Christopher - 13/12/2010 09:16 - Canada

111463

6161

Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 08:07 - Canada

27432

8682

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 02:17 - United States - High Springs

14275

2702

Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2014 14:34 - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

47476

3912

Today, at four in the morning, I was asleep with my boyfriend beside me. I started yelling at him in my sleep and broke up with him. When I woke up, he was gone. FML

By kaitlynn - 1/2/2010 20:56 - France

40754

10204

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

By itisthedude - 10/9/2009 23:17 - United States

15770

76383

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

By soembarassed - 18/3/2016 18:26 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

18718

11071

Today, I got back from vacation and realised I still had the motel key. The key-ring has the address on it, so you can post it back to them. I drove to the postbox and posted the key. I then discovered that the motel key won't start my car. FML

By fmlxxxx - 23/9/2009 13:15 - New Zealand

18101

41917

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

By roo - 27/1/2011 16:48 - United Kingdom

27828

13343

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2017 04:30

4136

309

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

By scatter00x - 8/2/2009 05:39 - United States

35977

7029

Today, I was standing next to the girl I like while she was looking at her phone. She dropped it and I tried to save it by catching it with my foot. I ended up kicking it across the room, cracking the screen. FML

By kicking with love - 6/3/2020 21:10

FIFA 2020

1267

595

Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML

By JayBausch - 17/8/2009 20:48 - United States

51625

7037

Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML

By distracted - 13/7/2015 13:56 - Australia - Pymble

25351

4046

Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted. 'My girlfriend is so stupid she can't even text the right number.' FML

By rawkdinosawr - 9/5/2009 15:48 - United Kingdom

20972

76864

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

By rockstarohyeah - 2/7/2009 06:18 - United States

82796

4826

Today, I accidentally sent highly confidential patient records to a fired employee. This employee made the biggest song and dance about it, calling every boss possible. I couldn't have sent it to a better person. FML

By Anonymous - 2/10/2017 04:00 - Australia

2127

3176

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2016 17:39 - United States - Dearborn

12042

1861

Today, I walked out of the operating room at the end of an emergency case. I spent ten minutes talking to a woman about her son before we realized I was talking to the wrong family. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2010 02:17 - United States

13185

28634