By SoftwareDev - South Africa - Johannesburg

Should've stayed home, basically

Today, after getting booked off work for being sick, I go to work anyway. On the way home, I stop by a colleagues fairwell, being the paranoid type of guy I make sure my car is locked about 3-4 times and head in. Later I get home to find my laptop has been stolen from my boot with my medication. FML

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Sorry…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Taking stock

By torny>horny - United States

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML

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By somewhatlucky - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

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By snarly1 - United States

Today, my boss asked me what language I was speaking. I was clearly speaking English, but apparently, "indifferent" is too big a word for him to understand. I don't know how he got into a management position. FML

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By Broeman - United States

Today, I found some charges on my credit card for two round trip tickets to Las Vegas. Turns out my daughter and her stoner, unemployed boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to Vegas over the weekend to get married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

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By oww - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, I heard that there was supposed to be a huge blizzard heading our way, so I went out to stock up on groceries. After spending $600 on food, I drove home and packed most of it into the fridge and freezer just in time for our power to go out. FML

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By damn - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

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By Anaconda

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

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By Nurse

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

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By leez - United States

Today, my roommate has gone home for the weekend. She forgot to turn her alarm clock off. Her door is locked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

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By amy - United States

Douchebag Alert!

Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML

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By Tara115 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't think he should marry me, because I have kids. They're his kids. FML

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By blawbo - United States

Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said "Well, at least you're trying." FML

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By miss cranky pants - United States

Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML

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By I wish it was gum

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got back from a 6 month deployment overseas. My girlfriend of 3 years couldn't pick me up from the airport because she had an intramural softball game to go to. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Saint-di

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

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By machina

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

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By freakfreak12345 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

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By barface - United States

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

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By Dana O'Neil - 24/8/2020 15:03 - Canada - Westerose

Invest in ear plugs

Today, and every night all summer, I can hear the kids outside playing when I go to bed. They’re so loud, it makes it hard to sleep. The kids have a later bedtime than I do, and I’m 33. I'm feeling like a broken down old lady. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

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By Hailey - United States

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend. I am at my Aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she is taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I was at the gynecologist my dr told me that I was really tense and the exam would be impossible if I didnt relax. So I started thinking about my boyfriend to relax and my mind went back to our last sex session. I started getting wet. FML

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By budadepressed - United States - Burnsville

Today, due to a scheduling error, I spent an entire day and night in an airport, over 30 hours in total. Just as I arrived at the gate, I was informed that my flight had been delayed for another 2 hours. FML

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By noononononono - United States - Sacramento

Today, my Dad came home with a $500 jacket that he'd bought himself for Christmas. I'd bought him the same one, and it's non refundable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, I was at another long swim-meet, when my daughter shaved 15 seconds off her record swim time. When I asked her how she did it, she replied, "Well someone told me to swim as fast as I can." She's just been taking her time all these years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML

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By ugh annoying - United States

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

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By imatool - United States

Today, I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

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By still had to pay - Australia

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

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By Lexi - United States

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

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By nosexlife - United States

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dunkirk

Today, thanks to puberty, I have an acne rash around my mouth. Rumors are already flying around school saying I have herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

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By Anonymous

She definitely won though.

Today, as part of our prank war, my girlfriend found a hairy tarantula picture and stuck it on the wall. I hadn't yet told her I'm arachnophobic, and when I saw it I passed out and hit my head hard enough to need an ambulance. She decided she's won the war and I don't get a say in the matter. FML

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Top comments

By species4872 | 19

#7476482 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 4:52

For our American friends.....
His laptop and Medication was stolen from the trunk of his car...OK

By ThatIsSoFetch | 7

#7476622 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 13:18

Thank you! I was very confused about this post!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7476480 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 3:55

That must have been a tiny laptop or you have enormous feet!

Wouldn't it kinda tickle if someone took your laptop from your boot?

By species4872 | 19

#7476482 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 4:52

For our American friends.....
His laptop and Medication was stolen from the trunk of his car...OK

Reply

ThatIsSoFetch | 7

#7476622 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 13:18

Thank you! I was very confused about this post!

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7476668 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 15:53

Ooooooh! Well, that's a horse of a different color altogether!

Makes a lot more sense than someone carrying a computer in his "manly footwear."

By Cali | 54

#7476630 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 14:09

That sucks! Any chance of getting your work to cover a portion of the replacement cost since you need it to do your job? It was stolen during a work function anyway...

By Chazzster | 20

#7476764 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 20:05

Sorry it happened, but Karma Dude - If you are sick go straight home, don't visit a friend.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7476885 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 3:00

Fairwell? lol

By bigdaddyeric | 30

#7476941 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 9:08

WTF is a boot? We don't all live in your country

Reply

Lobby_Bee | 17

#7476950 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 9:50

When you have a pair of boots and you lose one, it becomes a boot. It could also mean the trunk of a vehicle in some countries.

Reply

species4872 | 19

#7476968 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 11:09

I did explain for you. Do you not read the other comments before posting?

By TimeLadyPandora | 2

#7477148 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 19:32

If you car works like I think it does then, locking it 4 times means you Locked,Unlocked, Locked and unlocked. Try doing an odd number, Then You may not have gotten that stolen. and Put. A MasterLock on your trunk for safety.