Riding bike on ice...

Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML

Videos

Family values

Nice neighborhood

Mixed signals

By screwthewilderness - 4/10/2010 06:46 - United States

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Today, my wife and I had one of the biggest arguments we've ever had, which resulted in her leaving, going to her parents' house and calling me twice, screaming and sobbing. The argument was over a seven dollar bottle of wine. Apparently, she was "saving it for a special occasion." FML

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 02:02 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML

By probablydodgedabullet - 8/11/2013 11:30 - Australia - Wollongong

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Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 04:00 - United States - Houston

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Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

By [email protected] - 28/9/2014 15:30 - United Kingdom - Watford

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Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML

By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:57 - United States

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Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 20:00 - Canada - Mississauga

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Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 22:00

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Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 23:36 - United States

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Today, after locking myself out of my house, I let myself into my car to wait on someone with a spare key. It took me 15 minutes to realise the house and car key share the same ring. FML

By losing the plot - 8/4/2015 19:36 - United Kingdom - Bristol

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Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 09:46 - United States - Chippewa Falls

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Today, my sister had an emotional breakdown because two guys love her and she can't pick just one. Meanwhile I'm single and spend my time laying treats on my floor in a pattern and watching my rabbit run in circles. FML

By Having a pretty sister sucks. - 19/8/2013 01:36 - United States - College Station

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Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2014 04:55 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

By Rob - 6/6/2012 16:02 - United States - Neoga

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Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 10:55 - Australia

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Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

By Too manly - 20/3/2013 04:54 - United States - Stockton

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Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

By Grauncho - 22/9/2012 14:12 - United States - Chicago

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Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

By LiLGeek - 12/1/2009 15:37 - United States

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Today, I picked the treadmill next to an old man so I could feel better about myself. He ran faster and longer than I did. FML

By Anonymous - 5/1/2010 20:16 - United States

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Today, I kissed my gorgeous new boyfriend for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair; a multitude of dandruff rained out and five lice crawled onto my hand. FML

By eww. - 22/3/2013 05:28 - Australia

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Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

By ssydneyy - 17/7/2012 19:47 - United States - Lakewood

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Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

By GEE, THANKS DAD - 28/9/2012 22:21 - United States

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Today, at work I was trying to be nice and give a customer a discount because she was having trouble finding money to pay for her food. Everybody behind her then demanded a discount as well. FML

By cassiebee - 4/11/2012 14:16 - United States - Morgan

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Today, after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. FML

By kl - 26/10/2009 06:15 - Canada

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Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

By Strainer - 23/5/2015 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

By Anonymous - 6/7/2010 06:11 - United States

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Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

By Michelle C - 26/1/2009 03:44 - United States

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Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML

By Anonymous - 27/2/2016 09:12 - United States - San Antonio

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Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

By Loser - 21/8/2013 15:17 - United States

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Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

By wispywee - 29/6/2011 17:47 - Canada

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Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

By ugh - 21/4/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

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Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML

By sadwife - 31/5/2009 18:07 - United States

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Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

By Anonymous - 5/4/2015 12:27 - United States - Oklahoma City

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Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend didn't get me a present. He did, however, get me a card from our cat. He signed it "Have a purrrrfect birthday." Then he left to go to work. I was alone all day long. FML

By garfwebba - 3/1/2010 01:17 - United States

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Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

By caterinette - 27/11/2014 02:04 - Portugal

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Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

By kenzieeeee - 30/12/2010 00:30 - United States

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Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

By Uh_Oh_Bro - 24/7/2016 17:58 - United States - Annandale

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Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

By guest - 18/11/2011 05:54 - Canada

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Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML

By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 15:55 - United States - Pleasanton

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