Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
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Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month-old on the (carpeted) floor in the living room. When I woke up, my daughter had bombed her diaper, and her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen. FML
Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML
Today, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was jolted awake by my oldest cat who'd decided it would be perfect to power-puke all over my bed. FML
Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML
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Top comments
truslide 0
LMAO must have been a hard kick to do that and even then, why the hell would you kick a cat that hard?
uhmfml 0
I don't think your child will be crawling in your bed anymore for a while... if ever.
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Comments (1184)
starshine3987 0
#1004th!!! So far this is the biggest comment number... kinda weird.
NoName18_fml 0
dayyyuumm peopple are effing crazy and low life no lives on this sheeiit !
NoName18_fml 0
dayyyuumm peopple are effing crazy and low life no lives on this sheeiit !
skattergurl 0
I don't think that if her bed was close to the wall she would be posting this... and when I had a cat I would pick her up and put her on the floor instead of shoving and kicking.
woah03 0
at least the cat would of had 8 lives left... :)
Lyzzajane 0
this made me crack up for at least 10 minutes straight..LOL i dont have kids,but i do have 2 cats which i "kick" off the bed on a daily basis!! LOL..........oh yeah...BTW...is the kid ok? /lmao im still laughing
Anteezy 7
Most people are actually mad about the cat abuse over the kid hitting the wall.
1k_1y_1l_1i_1e 0
How fat are your cats? I feel bad for your daughter! F her life!
what_the_fail 0
Thats hilarious OP. Lmao
tb15 0
This should really be made into an animated FML. Now that kid will think twice before waking her parents up every time she gets scared nothing like a round house kick to keep your kids from annoying you.LOL