By Alex Kiwi - 2/4/2020 20:00

Preemptive strike

Today, I grounded my son for vaping. However, the coronavirus has already grounded all of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1408

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Risky business

Bad guy (duh)

Vicious and unprovoked

By Spider fail - 31/5/2016 19:06 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10631

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1028

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By loquacious shit stain - 7/2/2013 17:11 - Australia

Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML

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11709

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By pissedandcomputerless - 7/11/2013 18:42 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44934

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8647

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 19:51 - South Africa

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

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61694

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By Susan - 28/2/2012 11:55 - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

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28863

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By coco1234 - 9/3/2020 12:35

Brain melt

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

476

You deserved it

1312

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By banana12321 - 2/4/2015 04:40 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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15169

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By Payt - 19/11/2018 22:00

Today, the guy I have been seeing for 3 months said, "Sorry this isn’t going anywhere, but I want to stay friends because I wanna come back and hang out with your parents." He literally only stayed with me because I live on a farm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2522

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155

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

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28883

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2011 21:24 - United States

Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I'm a girl. FML

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37263

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By amaze - 25/6/2019 02:30

Today, I discovered just how picky my son is. In addition to understandably not eating vegetables, he also doesn’t eat chicken fingers, pizza, or ice cream, along with several other foods I assumed all kids love. FML

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1504

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311

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By sdfsdf - 22/1/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, I went to contest a parking ticket in court. I came out 3 hours later, all charges clear, to a new parking ticket on my windshield, for the same amount I just got cleared. FML

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11380

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2013 05:47 - United States - Sanford

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid witnessing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

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79088

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

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8894

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 02:01

Today, I was at work serving customers at the checkout. A girl was brushing the floor behind me. I turned around and whichever way she brushed, the brush hit me twice straight in the balls before she noticed anything. She had to serve the rest of the customers while I recovered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1351

You deserved it

140

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By well, now what - 12/12/2014 14:39 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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16140

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By im_not_me - 9/12/2009 12:31 - Australia

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38316

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By scooter922 - 15/7/2012 07:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

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8192

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By MCKilllerrr - 18/1/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

39658

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3505

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By mosaicevolution - 3/1/2015 04:04 - United States - Decatur

Today, after finishing my second glass of wine, I walked out of the bathroom and saw the tag on my hair dryer from last year's rehab visit. FML

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23156

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 14:00

That devil water

Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML

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1681

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155

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

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33943

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By wellokaythen - 14/5/2013 19:52 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

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46789

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By Starfucks - 17/12/2015 02:55 - United States - Bensalem

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

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25529

You deserved it

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By Arniii - 1/2/2012 18:53 - United States

Today, it was our class field trip. I got five dollars from ten different people because they wanted me to sit away from them. FML

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32325

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By fuck YOLO - 3/4/2013 05:20 - United States - Ramona

Today, my cousin is visiting from Oklahoma. He can't go a minute without saying "YOLO" or "Swag". He's going to be here for a week. FML

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47234

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By dumbblonde - 6/8/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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16240

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By MyLyfeSux - 25/9/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

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10889

You deserved it

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By Sabraynay - 28/9/2011 06:47

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40843

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By Blueberry - 17/9/2012 02:00 - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

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25023

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By ShampooThief - 12/4/2015 03:05 - United States

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

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30567

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By everore - 25/12/2012 18:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

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30954

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2020 03:00 - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2020

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140

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By riddick0846 - 12/12/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML

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34675

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2014 01:27 - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

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49639

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 09:20 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mother-in-law turned up at my doorstep close to midnight, drunk off her tits, crying about how my wife is punishing her and throwing her life away by marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24071

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By B-Rizzle - 20/12/2009 13:40 - United States

Today, my grandparents thought it would be acceptable to give me and my wife Christmas presents to take to my ex-wife, along with a card saying how much they missed her and to get in touch with them next time she is in town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28919

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By IMSERIOUS - 22/1/2014 19:23 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

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45896

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By cat - 7/8/2019 18:00

Today, I thought I was seeing double. My neighbours got a new dog, which is exactly the same as the other one, except that it hates me twice as much. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1438

You deserved it

107

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By shellie - 13/1/2012 07:48 - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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27548

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7894596 - Friday 3 April 2020 3:40

Make him do chores 8 hrs a day. Rinse and repeat....

By demix_fml | 32

#7894801 - Friday 3 April 2020 21:01

Change the WiFi password?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7894568 - Friday 3 April 2020 0:19

Make him go out and find toilet paper.

By themetropolitan | 17

#7894589 - Friday 3 April 2020 3:22

Can't ground your son when mankind is already grounded...

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7894596 - Friday 3 April 2020 3:40

Make him do chores 8 hrs a day. Rinse and repeat....

By demix_fml | 32

#7894801 - Friday 3 April 2020 21:01

Change the WiFi password?

By ojoRojo | 23

#7896201 - Thursday 9 April 2020 16:28

You can still make his life miserable by restricting his access to WiFi and cable.