By Alex Kiwi - 2/4/2020 20:00

Preemptive strike

Today, I grounded my son for vaping. However, the coronavirus has already grounded all of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1416

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Dangling modifier

Mom of the year

Projection

By MyLyfeSux - United States

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10893

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53813

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By canispankthat - United States

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32565

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4831

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By irresponsible - United States

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35889

You deserved it

8831

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By Noname - France

Today, like every month, the beautician spent 10 minutes removing the hairs from my stomach. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24811

You deserved it

2773

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By thatonekid - United States

Today, my best friend told me she was pregnant over the phone. While in the middle of telling her congrats, she told me it was with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70316

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50218

You deserved it

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By wil - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "God" told her to. I guess "God" didn't have any problems with me buying dinner first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32340

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Thomasville

That's not a child, that's a bio-hazard!

Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3687

You deserved it

774

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By Kellye - United States

Today, my father called me for the first time in two weeks since I moved away. Excited, I answered the phone. It was a mistake. He thought he'd called my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38225

You deserved it

2503

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By justine - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43848

You deserved it

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By Jer - United States

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38322

You deserved it

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By bob7654 - United States - Arlington

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10156

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Nature is so wonderful!

Today, I was backpacking, and I was in a tent. It had rained all day and finally, I was dry. I settled down in my slightly damp sleeping bag. I woke up halfway through the night with a frog on my face and my feet in freezing cold water. Our tent had drifted into a frog pond. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1513

You deserved it

394

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By Ben - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4823

You deserved it

448

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By dumbass - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46658

You deserved it

5838

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By lonely - United States

Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39590

You deserved it

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By Soo - 24/12/2020 08:04 - Spain - Archidona

Stop that now

Today, I saw my 4 year-old daughter singing and dancing, so I decided to sing along. As soon as I started singing she said, without blinking her eyes and super calmly, "Could you please stop doing that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

666

You deserved it

218

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40922

You deserved it

8436

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By Gbeat411 - United States

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9982

You deserved it

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By :(

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32083

You deserved it

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By Alpha - Estonia

Today, while I was meditating in my room, I started to hear strange sounds. I was thrilled and thought I was having some sort of profound experience. It turned out my brother had tuned in to South Park out in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10494

You deserved it

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By ripfluffy - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74470

You deserved it

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By hold your horses pony boy - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39135

You deserved it

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By getajob - United States - Carmel

Today, while working security at a welfare office, I had to listen as a claimant gushed about her upcoming Caribbean cruise. I work two jobs and haven't had a vacation since 2006. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28392

You deserved it

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By SugarCoat

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3646

You deserved it

605

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By fml9124 - 25/4/2020 20:00

Not now!

Today, the best manager I've ever had told me she was leaving to take a job at another company. I just found out my new manager is a guy that has destroyed three different departments in three years. He's the owner's nephew or something. I do not want to be looking for a new job during the Covid-19 pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1687

You deserved it

105

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By DaddyZ - United States

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47099

You deserved it

8233

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By BowlofCherries - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a café when a construction worker asked to borrow a pen. The only pen I had on me was my brand new Parker, which I reluctantly loaned him. As he was writing, he stopped to think, and happily chewed on the end of the pen, which he later returned to me, glistening in saliva. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25371

You deserved it

5249

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I watched "The Vow" with my girlfriend. When the movie ended, we walked out to the theatre's lobby, and I heard her mutter, "I deserve a guy like him." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34523

You deserved it

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By trina - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML

I agree, your life sucks

104161

You deserved it

7936

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By lalala - United Kingdom

Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33894

You deserved it

7939

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Today, while working at a grocery store, I spent about 30 minutes pushing carts inside in a blizzard. Not even 10 minutes after I had finished, I looked out the window and saw that not only had the snow completely stopped, but the sun was shining. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1853

You deserved it

155

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By Sewert_5

Today, I made a fatal mistake that may cost my company thousands of dollars. This was right after I got a recognition for my outstanding work last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22880

You deserved it

4027

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By Fire_Crotch - Canada

Today, I turned the shower on the hottest setting so it would warm up quickly. I started to sing and dance around the bathroom. I got too carried away and pelvic thrusted the water, which I hadn't turned back down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8832

You deserved it

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By virginmary - United States

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She continued to yell at me and call me a liar all night. I don't know which is worse, being a 21 year old virgin or my mother accusing me of lying about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37374

You deserved it

3168

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By pear8head - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54103

You deserved it

5869

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By scooter922 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8192

You deserved it

39476

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By anonymous - Austria

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend, who I've dated for 6 years, is getting engaged to my friend. The very same "friend" who's been encouraging me to break up with her for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39847

You deserved it

3057

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By LadySteph12 - Canada

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22201

You deserved it

3296

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2020 22:36

Small comforts

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend admitted to having an affair. To comfort me, he said, "But you have bigger boobs, so you have nothing to worry about." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2477

You deserved it

164

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7894596 - Friday 3 April 2020 3:40

Make him do chores 8 hrs a day. Rinse and repeat....

By demix_fml | 32

#7894801 - Friday 3 April 2020 21:01

Change the WiFi password?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7894568 - Friday 3 April 2020 0:19

Make him go out and find toilet paper.

By themetropolitan | 17

#7894589 - Friday 3 April 2020 3:22

Can't ground your son when mankind is already grounded...

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7894596 - Friday 3 April 2020 3:40

Make him do chores 8 hrs a day. Rinse and repeat....

By demix_fml | 32

#7894801 - Friday 3 April 2020 21:01

Change the WiFi password?

By ojoRojo | 25

#7896201 - Thursday 9 April 2020 16:28

You can still make his life miserable by restricting his access to WiFi and cable.