By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 17:01 - United States - Little River

Overdoing it

Today, two months after beginning a steamy text exchange with the man I’ve been in love with for 13 years, he told me that now when he thinks of me he feels "warm and fuzzy." In a panic, I responded sarcastically, “Primarily in the dick, right?” That shut everything down real quick. FML

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Inspirational tale

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her "just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and turned to me to yell "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

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By aphre - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Natick

Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 08:00

Busted

Today, I felt like cheating on my diet and ordered a pizza. My mom and my sister were napping, so I put in the delivery notes, “Please don’t knock.” The delivery guy knocked anyway. LOUD. My mom and sister got up and saw everything. FML

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By ihateoldmagazines - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for ages, I asked the receptionist what the delay was. Apparently, I had no standing appointment today. This is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago. FML

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By waymoreiwanted - United States - Ashland

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

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By alexa - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

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By now what - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 22:02 - United States - Tyler

Fancy a pint?

Today, while I was relaxing outside drinking a beer after a long day, a moth decided to fly right into my ear canal. I instinctively threw my hand up to swat it out. With the same hand holding the beer. I soaked the side of my face and down my ear. At least I got the bug out. FML

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By britney - Canada

Today, I got flowers sent to my work, I happily opened them in front of my co-workers thinking they were from my crush, I open the card to see "Love you, from mom". My mother thinks my love life is so pathetic, thats she needs to send me flowers to cheer me up. FML

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By aarone23 - United States

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

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By rhythmbandit - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

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By BMTH2296 - United States

Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

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By rick - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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By Savy - United States - Phoenix

Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML

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By ohdeargodthatswrong - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

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By jkin47 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

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By stewardess - United States

Today, I asked a passenger what he wanted to drink. When he said marijuana, I started making pot jokes. He really asked for mineral water. I was given a drug test when we landed. FML

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By glittercat - United States

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

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By Whateversz - Netherlands

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

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By Damian

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Szeged

Today, while at church, I received a text from my girlfriend, saying, "It's not working. We're over." Not only was my phone not on silent mode, I was sitting directly beside my now ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

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By Z - United Kingdom

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

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By helloworld92 - United States

Today, I hung out with my crush for only the second time at his apartment. He was having a party. After a few sips of my green apple smirnoff, I puked up the Chinese food I had eaten earlier all over his new couch in front of him and a bunch of people I didn't know. FML

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By ughhhh - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

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By knuckleheadknock

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

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By ohemgee - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

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By tommyboy783 - United States

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

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By mcds2 - United States

Today, an attractive guy came up to me and told me that I looked sexy in a picture online. He then asked himself why he had never asked me out before. Apparently, he doesn't remember our 6-month relationship, or how it ended when he slept with my sister. FML

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Top comments

By rainbowdonnareed | 17

#7976558 - Sunday 7 March 2021 3:01

In 13 years and two months thats what you came up with?

By tounces7 | 27

#7976814 - Monday 8 March 2021 4:50

THAT shut things down? Is he asexual or something? Unless he has zero attraction to you, that wouldn't shut things down with any biologically normal human male.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7976539 - Sunday 7 March 2021 0:44

Your only hope is that he has a fuzzy dick.

By rainbowdonnareed | 17

#7976558 - Sunday 7 March 2021 3:01

In 13 years and two months thats what you came up with?

By eellik | 7

#7976647 - Sunday 7 March 2021 13:24

Call me uncouth if you want, but I think that's funny.

By tounces7 | 27

#7976814 - Monday 8 March 2021 4:50

THAT shut things down? Is he asexual or something? Unless he has zero attraction to you, that wouldn't shut things down with any biologically normal human male.

Reply

Ali Nayeri | 4

#7978659 - Monday 15 March 2021 16:03

well it seems like a jokey way to describe it, he was probably turned off for a bit but if she explained she was just really nervous I'm sure they'd keep it going