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Nothing

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

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Serious times

Fucking Facebook memories

The past that suits you best

By ReineXre

Weirdo

Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML

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By fviz - United States

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

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By Balls - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, for my family, my most impressive quality is I can make spaghetti and meatballs. FML

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By -____- - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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By sigh - United States - North Branford

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

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By bcoper - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By laststand11 - Reserved

Today, I received a very expensive bottle of wine for Christmas. My alcoholic mother snuck into my house while I was out and drank the whole bottle. FML

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By yummy - United States

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was almost done getting ready for a really big date, when I heard my dad call for help from outside. I rushed downstairs and out the door, only to be ambushed and showered by my father with the garden hose. FML

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By yupimher

The long goodbye

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

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By erin1985 - Australia

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML

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By atsukobo - 2/11/2020 22:59 - United States

Cover up

Today, after a nasty fight with my military husband, which resulted in mandatory marriage counseling, he told me we needed to talk about the fight. Not talk it over and apologize; talk it over so our stories are consistent when we see the therapist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refereeing a soccer match and I called a foul. An angry coach kept screaming at me, saying "You're crazy!" I asked him to leave the field. As he left, he lifted his middle finger and screamed, "FUCK YOU!" I ref 5-year-olds. FML

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By stood-up - United States

Where are you? Oh, there you are

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

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By expassword - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

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By uselessdad - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

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By WTF - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 02:02

Dragging it out

Today, I hadn’t seen my boyfriend since New Year’s Day, then we went out for lunch Valentine's Day and at the end of the date he didn’t even kiss me. He texted me at midnight tonight saying he sorry he’s a jerk and broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

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By GladYoureConcerned - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

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By NoTypeOfExercise - United States - Encino

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came back to my appartment to find that I couldn't watch certain channels on my tv. When I called the tv company I found out my parents had put a 'parental block' on all my favorite channels. Im 22 and rent an appartment with my friends. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Laill

Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML

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By Mack - United States

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

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By Anonymous

Vampire News

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for not showing up to her mother's birthday party. I didn't go because I had to finish a project for work over the weekend. This is the same person who refused to go to my father's funeral because she, "didn't feel like getting dressed up." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, I realised that my closeted gay friend has dated more women this year than I have in my 28 years of life. FML

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By gothicvamp93 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boss called and yelled at me because he said I was "spotted" out after I called off sick. I was out getting the medicine the doctor had just prescribed me. FML

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By always amazed - Canada - Barrie

Today, my dad came over and ordered me, a 43 year-old woman, to purchase a kitchen table. He and my sisters are embarassed that we are still using a plastic folding table. It doesn't matter to them that we have just spent over $30,000 on renovations. His cousins are coming from Italy. FML

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By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what posessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to dicuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML

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By kraussy - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

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By trees - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

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By deadmedia - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

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By klynn267 - United States - Portland

Today, I switched cell phone service providers, hoping to upgrade. After working out the details and picking a phone in the store, I got home to find my brand new cell can't get a signal in my house. I already signed the two year contract. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

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Top comments

By skippydoda | 32

#7885495 - Wednesday 26 February 2020 1:53

How do you mistake a passport for trash? Better yet, why is your passport just lying around the car and not kept somewhere safe. YDI

By RichardPencil | 30

#7885502 - Wednesday 26 February 2020 4:08

That's the world telling you to just stay home.

COMMENTS

By skippydoda | 32

#7885495 - Wednesday 26 February 2020 1:53

How do you mistake a passport for trash? Better yet, why is your passport just lying around the car and not kept somewhere safe. YDI

By RichardPencil | 30

#7885502 - Wednesday 26 February 2020 4:08

That's the world telling you to just stay home.

By eggs and cheese | 8

#7885510 - Wednesday 26 February 2020 4:33

just isn't meant for you to go !

By JLS | 4

#7885520 - Wednesday 26 February 2020 6:52

“That I’m on the top of”. Add, grammatically challenged to the list of your issues.

By AaronP11 | 11

#7886163 - Friday 28 February 2020 10:12

This one was quite confusing to understand but I finally figured it out. It's supposed to say "that on top of not..."