Dogs, Landlords and Capitalism: No dog for you - FML

No dog for you

By Anonymous - 21/11/2021 05:01 - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked my landlord if I could get a dog. He said no, and gave me an illegal rent increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 95

Dogs Landlords Capitalism

Stop talking!

The wrong end of the stick

So compassionate

Rekt

By Shaun - 16/06/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 258

You deserved it 6 141

By Skittlezzz0901 - 21/03/2017 19:00 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, my manager said I could go on a break when he came back from his. After 7 hours with him still missing, I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out and hitting my head on a ladder from lack of food. I woke up in the hospital to a card from my manager saying, "Get Well. Don't Sue." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 465

You deserved it 566

By Anonymous - 18/01/2011 14:37 - United States

Today, I have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time. The problem is that every time I blow my nose, I get a nosebleed. When I breathe through my mouth, I have a coughing fit. So I have to choose between not breathing, coughing up mucus or blowing blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 352

You deserved it 3 030

Sometimes the truth is too weird to believe

By fml9124 - 06/06/2021 14:01

Today, my mom grounded me for smoking cigarettes. I'm 13. I don't smoke. She said she smelled it on my clothes. I laughed and said I was in the basement, and used one of my dad's cig's to simulate a house on fire on my train layout. She didn't believe me. Honestly, I wouldn't believe that story either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 757

You deserved it 482

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 16:44 - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 492

You deserved it 4 069

By dtmfa - 31/10/2009 04:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, I spent the night with my guy, whom I hadn't seen in ages. In the middle of sex, he answered his phone, told me to be quiet, talked to the girl on the other end about how boring his day was, then left the room to finish talking to her. When he came back he asked if I felt like swallowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 986

You deserved it 4 929

By Anonymous - 25/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 856

You deserved it 127

By righthook - 08/04/2015 19:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 727

You deserved it 8 579

Useful friends

By The One - 28/08/2021 05:01 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, after having a fight with my BFF, she invited me to come along to a party. I found out later that she'd only invited me so that when returning from the event, we could take a taxi and split the cost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 81

By ahhahaha - 12/08/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 918

You deserved it 4 682

Take the hint

By Anonymous - 05/12/2021 01:59

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 241

By OutOfMyMind - 22/10/2013 00:12 - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 822

You deserved it 12 033

By beekeke45 - 25/06/2011 13:39 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 689

You deserved it 67 515

Some people are so... creative.

By Anonymous - 17/02/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. She'd told me she was on birth control, so I asked her to show me. She had been sticking the pills up her vagina like a suppository. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 218

You deserved it 1 518

WHAT?

By Nohearingornoeating - 17/05/2018 15:00

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 082

You deserved it 376

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Spicy

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 783

You deserved it 28 116

By rachel - 19/02/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should, "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 653

You deserved it 8 560

By ilovezim29 - 03/06/2012 07:45 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 815

You deserved it 4 858

By facepalmshroomer - 07/02/2009 23:24 - United States

Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 623

You deserved it 85 161

By Is that..? - 17/07/2014 03:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I ran into a good friend at work. I work at a jail. She doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 840

You deserved it 4 841

By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 711

You deserved it 676

By Anonymous - 11/02/2011 03:21 - China

Today, I woke up to a repairman at my door who was simply supposed to turn my water back on in my apartment. Two hours and 5 repairmen later, all I have now is a large hole in my ceiling. Still no water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 730

You deserved it 2 356

By ZeldaovaPeach - 05/07/2016 12:44 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 113

You deserved it 1 191

By ouharguohargssdf - 28/09/2013 21:01 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 332

You deserved it 2 883

Classic

By Anonymous - 05/07/2021 01:59

Today, my boyfriend introduced me as a friend to one of his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 98

By SilverAuthor - 29/07/2016 22:53 - United States - Detroit

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 279

You deserved it 2 040

By poomaster - 22/11/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 741

You deserved it 5 143

By B-ran - 05/01/2010 00:29 - France

Today, I was taking a dump at the Home Depot. After I was finished, I was bent over and pulling the toilet paper out of the holder. I pulled too hard, causing the dispenser lid to fling open and smack me on the back of the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 747

You deserved it 21 565

By Anonymous - 30/06/2019 14:05

Today, my mom called me to tell me she'd got in touch with my ex for his birthday, and that the two of them had made a plan for us to get back together. My new boyfriend was in the process of proposing to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 125

You deserved it 130

By amaze - 25/06/2019 02:30

Today, I discovered just how picky my son is. In addition to understandably not eating vegetables, he also doesn’t eat chicken fingers, pizza, or ice cream, along with several other foods I assumed all kids love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 547

You deserved it 319

By flowerging - 11/04/2013 04:53 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 428

You deserved it 16 225

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 044

You deserved it 35 334

By Anonymous - 22/01/2010 05:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 748

You deserved it 4 778

By Humpday - 29/05/2016 21:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 071

You deserved it 1 260

By hawaiianlovechild - 29/11/2009 07:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, my dad and I were watching Hawaii play the Navy in football. I cheered when Hawaii won. My dad turns to me and says, "You know your mother and I concieved you there?" Thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 434

You deserved it 3 917

Gross and weird

By Porkchop - 14/11/2021 23:00

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that it’s weird to defecate into your hand and throw it from the shower into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 456

You deserved it 97

For Those About to Rock…

By ljajjanaa - 04/04/2021 11:00

Today, I had to politely request that my floormate not blast heavy metal music at 4 a.m. His response? "It’s the weekend," followed by him slamming the door in my face and turning the music up. I work weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 85

By Devildrake - 15/04/2015 22:32 - Australia

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 760

You deserved it 2 272

By disappointed - 25/03/2014 11:36 - United States - West Fargo

Today, I finally finished watching Dexter. I was more disappointed by the finale than the picture I later received of my girlfriend cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 909

You deserved it 5 506

Grandpa's got game

By Anonymous - 01/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Warren

Today, I tried out the high-tech eliptical at my gym. The 70-year-old man next to me who was also using one went faster and longer than I did, and unlike me didn't stop for a break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 127

You deserved it 1 262

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Sunday 21 November 2021 15:51

I guess you're in the doghouse now. I don't know how you're going to fight the rent increase. The system is rigged in favor of landlords to let them do illegal shit all the time.

Send a private message

Sunday 21 November 2021 17:33

Must be a cat person

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Sunday 21 November 2021 15:51

I guess you're in the doghouse now. I don't know how you're going to fight the rent increase. The system is rigged in favor of landlords to let them do illegal shit all the time.

Send a private message

Sunday 21 November 2021 17:33

Must be a cat person

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 17

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 549

You deserved it 159

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 241