By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 20:00

More issues than Vogue

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

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1659

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Proactive

Compassion

Business savvy

By zwillywilly - 10/8/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was working in a warehouse where fellow employees were kicking empty boxes around. Seeing a box, I got running distance and kicked it as hard as I could, only to look up in horror to see that I had kicked into our CEO's face. I still had both my arms up in score mode. FML

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12521

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 17:00

The student becomes the master

Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1645

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1969

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By sober - 10/7/2012 03:40 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking, since I have been having some problems with alcohol and some of my relatives are alcoholics. He later broke up with me, saying he couldn't be with someone who "chose to be boring." FML

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32899

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By baugy - 11/4/2012 02:19 - United States - Orlando

Today, while outside, a bug flew up my nose. After I told my family and friends about a faint vibrating in my upper nostril, they all convinced me I was paranoid. That was until that night when I blew my nose and there was the bug in my tissue. Its leg was still twitching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31014

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2490

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By Inthedumps - 23/7/2014 00:51 - United States - Jerseyville

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44779

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3584

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By upsetandunjustified - 4/11/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26741

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6330

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By RckRagman - 30/4/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, 3 of the 4 stalls were occupied in the rest room. I took the 4th stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I hear "Hey, how's it going?". I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57123

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By cjkelly1 - 23/6/2010 23:27 - United States

Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML

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38921

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By joser6969 - 29/10/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

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35843

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11901

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 12:27 - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

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58148

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By yolomane - 6/12/2019 01:00

He does not care!

Today, I was walking to the bus stop for school. And the bus drove past me, I chased it and fell in a puddle, my boyfriend was in the bus, and he laughed. FML

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1937

You deserved it

236

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By Boner Ben - 8/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

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2585

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654

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Houston

Watch movies

Today, I hired a babysitter to take care of my newborn. When I came home, she was having sex with her boyfriend in the crib while the baby sat and watched them. FML

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2468

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280

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By nofriends - 1/6/2011 04:28 - Japan

Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML

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55210

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By courtnayy - 30/9/2013 14:47 - United States

Today, I got proposed to. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have 2 kids. It was perfect, except it was my ex-boyfriend who proposed to me. FML

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50533

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5969

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:20 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

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61311

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By anthony512 - 24/5/2013 16:08 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after a sleepless night, I fell asleep at my work desk. When I awoke, I found my co-workers had duct taped me to my chair. I was yelling at them to untape me, when our boss came in, scolded me for fucking about on the job, and left without saying a word to my colleagues. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38856

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By fuckthat! - 13/11/2017 09:37 - United States - Madison

Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

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5518

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288

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

And you like him why exactly?

Today, the guy I like happened to be munching on biscuits while he was talking to me. The biscuit crumbs were literally falling out of his mouth like a waterfall as he was speaking and munching. The crumbs were landing in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1446

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242

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By Tomato - 11/8/2017 14:30

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2632

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3420

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By almostmugged - 17/9/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, three burly men suddenly began to approach me. Thinking they were going to mug me, I reached for my pocketknife and said "Stay away, I have a knife." Turns out they just wanted directions to an ice cream shop for their daughters, who were now bawling their eyes out. FML

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13982

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to try to serenade me by throwing rocks at my window and singing a song about how much he loves me. This would have been extremely sweet if he would have gotten my window instead of my dad's. FML

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25672

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By Worsttreeever - 5/12/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, we brought our Christmas tree inside to decorate. We decorated it, then went out to dinner as a family. Returning 2 hours later, we came back to find our living room to be occupied. Not with people. The tree had been filled with baby spiders, and they were all over the living room. FML

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38284

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3500

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By Sucks2suck - 20/11/2018 05:00

Today, I received an invitation to my ex’s wedding. We were dating for three years and just broke up four months ago. FML

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2978

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172

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By JoeBidenIsMyFIL - 2/3/2020 18:00

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1388

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322

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 21:12 - United States - Denver

Today, after a solid month of hard work, I finally finished modeling and animating a 3D insect character for a scene. After presenting it to the rest of my team, one of my teammates pointed out that it looks exactly like a flying penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33770

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6033

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By anonymous - 14/2/2011 13:45 - United States

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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35058

You deserved it

16911

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By Bartender - 20/10/2014 21:04 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35405

You deserved it

2612

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By JoeyTheJedi - 18/10/2016 00:31 - United States - Batesville

Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's been a death in the family, then abruptly hangs up. I speed home, to find my mother holding the tiny corpse of a fish that she got 2 weeks ago. I got fired for being late to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15271

You deserved it

1234

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By Shame - 19/9/2012 20:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

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34976

You deserved it

3583

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By anonymous - 30/1/2010 00:08 - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37984

You deserved it

7069

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By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

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39032

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21191

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By jasminejzhu - 14/4/2013 09:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after an exhausting weekend of work, I decided to take a nap. I was awoken several hours later by my mother-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently my 11-year-old called up grandma to complain that she was hungry and that mum was sleeping instead of cooking dinner. FML

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46892

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By Miserableperson - 18/3/2017 18:00

Today, I found out that we're supposed to get 3 feet of snow, and the person who plows our driveway is out of town. We're stranded on a huge hill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4836

You deserved it

855

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By Claustrophobic - 4/4/2013 07:12 - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38159

You deserved it

2324

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By Roasted Marshmallows - 7/11/2019 03:30

A sand castle

Today, I took a DNA test and it turns out that the person who I thought was my dad is not my actual dad and my real dad is his best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2403

You deserved it

128

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2016 19:01 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7858

You deserved it

8696

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By Lady_Luck - 25/3/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26780

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By JurassicHole - 22/4/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26025

You deserved it

4413

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By Stu - 19/6/2012 09:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a Twitter account. Now she won't stop hashtagging everything she sends me. FML

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23570

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Top comments

By DarkAngelsBlade | 23

#7919160 - Saturday 4 July 2020 20:07

Well now we know why it took him so long.

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7919175 - Saturday 4 July 2020 20:25

overly attached mother

COMMENTS

By DarkAngelsBlade | 23

#7919160 - Saturday 4 July 2020 20:07

Well now we know why it took him so long.

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7919175 - Saturday 4 July 2020 20:25

overly attached mother

By Charlie Given | 22

#7919222 - Sunday 5 July 2020 0:44

This FML should be for your son, about his over bearing mom and his issues from it, and don't be surprised if she tries to sabotage his new relationship

By RichardPencil | 28

#7919226 - Sunday 5 July 2020 1:07

She was probably waiting for Oedipus to make his move.

By akvan | 4

#7919234 - Sunday 5 July 2020 2:32

You should probably keep a close watch of her, she might try to sabotage the relationship

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7919237 - Sunday 5 July 2020 3:14

This story line pops up every so often in American Dad! that it's no longer surprising. Although the breastfeeding dependency went a little too far for me.

By alex_jaguara | 29

#7919270 - Sunday 5 July 2020 7:19

But if it was her daughter she would jump from happiness. Double standards.