More issues than Vogue

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 20:00

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 737

You deserved it 143

Weird reason to leave, but OK

OCD

Weirdo geek freaks out

Fix up look sharp

By Nalya - 09/01/2009 03:38 - France

Today, my boss told me that we're having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added, "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 853

You deserved it 6 414

F*ck the patriarchy

By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 19:58

Today, I watched as my girlfriend painfully plucked her eyebrows for half an hour. She is willing to do this, but not shave her armpits on a regular basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 540

You deserved it 986

By mylifereallyISeffed - 22/07/2009 10:43 - Australia

Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 293

You deserved it 4 028

By anonymous - 11/08/2010 19:19 - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 883

You deserved it 7 224

By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 19:25 - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 929

You deserved it 3 340

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 433

You deserved it 6 576

By Jess - 30/05/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 009

You deserved it 5 023

By LiquorChick - 20/01/2012 08:23 - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 418

You deserved it 3 534

Alexa, play "Career Opportunities" by The Clash

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 02:01

Today, I realized I freaking hate my career. I've only got through a semester, but I feel like I can't end the four years it takes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 148

By RIPJarJar - 20/10/2017 22:18

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 525

You deserved it 473

By _sourdiesel7 - 10/11/2016 23:39 - United States - Vienna

Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 370

You deserved it 820

By Ihatemyjob - 18/03/2013 03:14 - United States - Vermilion

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 550

You deserved it 3 105

By happiestturtle - 08/06/2016 15:21 - United States - Chicago

Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 923

You deserved it 1 622

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 155

You deserved it 37 125

By Autocorrected - 04/03/2012 05:02 - Philippines

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 592

You deserved it 31 351

By geoduck - 10/02/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 636

You deserved it 4 644

Outcast

By Anonymous - 22/02/2021 21:30 - United States

Today, while looking through the newspaper, I saw that my sister got married a couple weeks ago. Not only did she not invite me, she "forgot" to mention it yesterday while we were having lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 71

By scarredforlife - 16/08/2012 04:05 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 776

You deserved it 1 867

By Anonymous - 16/08/2016 08:26 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 818

You deserved it 1 792

That's rank

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 06:01 - Germany - Emden

Today, I took a piece of toilet paper to blow my nose and had a surprise: someone in our house seems to not have understood how TP works. In this case, the principle that it shouldn't stay on the roll once there is poo on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 80

By The_FN_Gunny - 29/10/2013 22:31 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was wearing a letterman jacket that had my school name and "Okinawa Japan" on the back. A high school kid walks up to me and says, "I can't forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor." I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 303

You deserved it 4 132

Two sides to every story

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 02:02

Today, my grandpa told me that he and grandma had an open relationship, because, "it isn't satisfying to have sexuality with only one person your whole life.” According to grandma, he just cheated on her constantly and she couldn’t do anything to stop him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 124

By Anonymous - 11/01/2014 18:52 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, and every other night since my new neighbors moved in two weeks ago, their cat has been standing outside my house meowing constantly up at my window, where my cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 177

You deserved it 5 475

By thanks mom - 03/05/2019 14:00

Today, after 10 years of intense training, I earned a black belt in karate. When I told my mom, she asked how long it took me, then laughed and sarcastically remarked, "Wow. SO impressive," whilst slow-clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 286

You deserved it 310

By ninalian - 22/05/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I was talking to this boy I really like and we were laughing together, until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I started to say how awful the smell was and he stopped laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closed his mouth the smell was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 097

You deserved it 4 493

TMI

By Grossedouttt - 04/07/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 308

You deserved it 3 694

By CyberPsycho - 28/07/2016 16:24 - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 074

You deserved it 6 087

By Anonymous - 01/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I was pulled aside by my father's new wife and told, "You're not your dad's favorite anymore and you need to stop acting like it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 371

You deserved it 611

By azmom - 27/03/2012 17:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 251

You deserved it 26 166

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 255

You deserved it 8 687

Missing the point

By Anonymous - 04/01/2021 07:58

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I checked his phone. The reason I did so was to get his mum’s number so I could arrange to send her his Xmas present in a parcel, as a surprise as I wouldn't be with him. He found out when he asked me how I managed it, and I told him honestly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 039

You deserved it 289

By Toodamnold - 13/02/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I was once again escorted out of a supermarket by a police officer. I must be the only 83-year-old who still has his marbles, but people always assume I am senile and wandering from a care center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 462

You deserved it 256

Don't hate the playa…

By Dannikins - 05/11/2020 01:01 - United States - San Antonio

Today, the guy I've been looking forward going on a date with had to cancel due to Covid. This wouldn't have been an issue, if I didn't see him later that night posting about him at a bar with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 996

You deserved it 82

By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 17:29 - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 313

You deserved it 2 188

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 23:01 - Canada

Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 456

You deserved it 46 973

By FlabbyPants - 06/01/2015 02:51 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 656

You deserved it 6 411

By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 024

You deserved it 3 896

Zone 6

By lukey101 - 30/09/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I took the train home to save a few dollars on an Uber fare. I fell asleep on the train, got a fine for travelling outside of my paid zone, and had to take an even longer Uber home than it would have been from where I started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 440

By Jen - 26/11/2018 07:30 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 377

You deserved it 255

By menerethrr - 05/02/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 919

You deserved it 53 185

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Top comments

DarkAngelsBlade 25

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Saturday 4 July 2020 20:07

Well now we know why it took him so long.

Kurliez408 32

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Saturday 4 July 2020 20:25

overly attached mother

Comments

DarkAngelsBlade 25

Send a private message

Saturday 4 July 2020 20:07

Well now we know why it took him so long.

Kurliez408 32

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Saturday 4 July 2020 20:25

overly attached mother

Charlie Given 24

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Sunday 5 July 2020 0:44

This FML should be for your son, about his over bearing mom and his issues from it, and don't be surprised if she tries to sabotage his new relationship

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 5 July 2020 1:07

She was probably waiting for Oedipus to make his move.

akvan 11

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Sunday 5 July 2020 2:32

You should probably keep a close watch of her, she might try to sabotage the relationship

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Sunday 5 July 2020 3:14

This story line pops up every so often in American Dad! that it's no longer surprising. Although the breastfeeding dependency went a little too far for me.