By Lolabunny - United States - Anaheim

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML

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Kids

Ungrateful

Are you ready to ruuuuuumbbbbbble?

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 00:30

Set phasers to stun

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because there was “something missing”, which was the lack of sex we had because she didn’t feel good about her body. Less than three hours after crushing my heart, she posted about how hard it will be to have a "hoe phase" during a pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1259

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119

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By overdriven07 - United States

Today, my landlord asked to borrow my truck to move some furniture. When she returned it, I noticed she had filled the gas tank up. I thanked her for doing so, and she handed me the receipt and said "just add it to next month's rent". FML

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47779

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3503

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By mastermind

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2264

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669

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By Ringless - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were selecting our wedding cake. The wedding is now off since I refused to buy her the "dream" wedding cake she wanted because it was chocolate. She called me childish and cheap. I'm highly allergic to chocolate. FML

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43184

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

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30960

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By indianaxx - France

Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said "look! this place has cotton loin clothes" in front of my wedding party. FML

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31851

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By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

You're a natural

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

I agree, your life sucks

302

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926

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By Anonymous

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

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4281

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328

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By shinra

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3358

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273

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By Anonymous

Today, I was walking on the street when a woman in front of me dropped a couple of dollars. I picked them up and chased her to return it all. She insisted that it wasn't hers. I tried to tell her it was, but she wouldn't accept it. A cop saw me and arrested me for solicitation. FML

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1907

You deserved it

168

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By dolceconfuoco - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31861

You deserved it

2572

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By sleepingbeauty - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

I agree, your life sucks

20143

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3739

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By funnymanjoe - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML

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37652

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5726

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By rebeccacaissie - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29516

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By Srain - Australia

Today, feeling confident, I asked my boyfriend what he thought of my new body, since I had lost 16 kilos over the past month. He told me that he missed the old me and wanted me to gain weight again. My boyfriend was the one that encouraged me to lose weight in the first place. FML

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33381

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By I was talking about her.

Today, a lady called the candy store and wanted to know our ice cream flavors. We have 30 and I had a line of people to help, so I directed her to our new website. She called back, wanting me to walk her through finding it. I couldn't, as we're not allowed, so she called me useless. She showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13642

You deserved it

987

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1545

You deserved it

257

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By orilykid - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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25991

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1944

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 17:00

Communication Breakdown

Today, I just called my now ex-girlfriend to break up with her, due to our insurmountable lack of communication, even though I was in therapy for four months to try and keep the relationship afloat. Before breaking up, she'd blocked me on Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter and Instagram for no reason. FML

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782

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130

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Who's a good boy? Not you.

Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML

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6599

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By throwinguptears - United States - Marlborough

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

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11943

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By Pseudo - France - Vitry-le-fran?ois

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

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13234

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By obviously not the favorite

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5535

You deserved it

320

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By fastfingers409 - United States

Today, at a concert, I noticed a cute keytarist in one of the bands. After they got off stage, I asked their bass player if she was single. He replied, "actually, she's married," holding up his left hand, he continued, "to me." FML

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25460

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By Awks - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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27946

You deserved it

6062

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By Ohgodhelpme

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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3423

You deserved it

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By paula434 - United States

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

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33479

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By what's a rimjob between friends? - United States - Boston

Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML

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55967

You deserved it

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By garrett - United States

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

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46375

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30795

You deserved it

4367

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I held the door open for someone and he said, "Thank you!" I said, "Thank you!" back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1208

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By klv8 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook to realize that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML

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48622

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By Anonymous - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

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39910

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By jessica238 - Canada

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21944

You deserved it

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By Ally - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21946

You deserved it

8419

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By wellesleybanana - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

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97063

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30001

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By philip708 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I helped an old man who fell over. Turns out he was drunk and had pissed himself. He decided to thank me with a hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22635

You deserved it

1810

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By Heather212

Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7209

You deserved it

1344

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By midwesternpetclerk - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

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34760

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7680192 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 14:40

"NOT ANY MORE! Someone better mop that up."

By RichardPencil | 30

#7680162 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 13:39

Is that because bananas are “nature’s butt plugs?”

COMMENTS

By Lennie Mcfish | 18

#7680158 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 13:33

Talk about a shitty situation

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7680159 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 13:36

Aw! At least she was concerned about you and now you have a funny memory to share/blackmail with her when she gets older.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7680162 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 13:39

Is that because bananas are “nature’s butt plugs?”

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7680192 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 14:40

"NOT ANY MORE! Someone better mop that up."

By Ekh0es | 37

#7680316 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 19:03

Do you still have diarrhea though?

By Emma1562 | 35

#7680449 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 23:25

I LOVE CHILDREN SO MUCH! I guarantee that made someone else’s day so at least there’s that. You know you’d laugh if it happened to someone else.

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7680527 - Wednesday 22 August 2018 4:27

In ten years or so, she’s gonna turn just as red in the face when you tell this story to her prom date!