Intimacy: Today, I had sex with a guy on the first date. I couldn’t wait,...

By Layne - Brazil

Today, I had sex with a guy on the first date. I couldn’t wait, he was too gorgeous. The only problem was that when we finished, he announced that he had to fart and did so twice. Now I’m not so sure if I’ll see him again. FML

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Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Bad car day

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

By Sittinginthecorner - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I got a new roommate. He's from Mongolia. He has had 5 friends over for the last 7 hours, all speaking Mongolian. This is the most awkward party I have ever been to. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was threatened to be held back because of the lack of teacher-parent communication. My parents refuse to sign my report card because of my one mark below ninety percent. My teacher was dead serious about failing me. FML

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By abbshows - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

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By ivyleaguebabe - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

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By Adam Gordon

Today, I received a Snapchat of a horse-drawn carriage version of a hearse. I replied, "That's so extra!" because I thought it was finals week at her school. Turns out, she's at her uncle's funeral. He was an officer in the Air Force and there's going to be a 21-gun salute in his honor. FML

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By MDoremis - United States - Honolulu

Today, while flying home, two little girls started chanting, "We're all going to die." I'm an extremely anxious flyer. FML

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By spooked - Australia - Sydney

Today, after my shower, I went to clear off my fogged-up mirror. Doing so, I noticed a handprint on it. I compared it to my hand, but it was much too small. I live alone. FML

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By bobra

Helter Skelter

Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

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By life_suxxx - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

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By mark - United States

Today, I went downstairs after a family argument. The front door was kicked in, the sink faucet was snapped off, and there were broken plates all over the kitchen floor. I later found out that the argument was over who left the refrigerator door open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 31/3/2021 16:59

Hot pixels

Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML

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By tkghan - United States - Concord

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for no real reason via text message. A few hours later, she updated her relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship." Her new "boyfriend"? Her cat. A mutual friend commented, "Well, he's better than that idiot you had before." FML

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By alliobamy - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

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By sheyshey0413 - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend will only have sex with me if I am on my stomach and not revealing my face. FML

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By toothbreaker

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend when I accidentally kneed him in the chin and chipped his front tooth. I broke his real tooth, as well as the fake part from when he chipped it ten years ago. FML

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By flimflam - United States

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2020 18:03 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Clean up in aisle 5 please

Today, I cleaned up the entire kitchen after sending the kids to school. I decided to have a nice cup of tea, and then knocked the tea over into the bin and the bin cabinet, the hardest and grossest thing to clean. FML

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By MirandaKristine - United States - Miami

Go forth and NOT multiply

Today, my dad handed me my refilled birth control prescription. I thanked him, and he replied, "Well, God forbid you run out and reproduce." FML

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Confusion" by New Order

Today, I found out my husband has been telling everyone he doesn't want a baby. He has been telling me he does. We have been trying for months. I'm now pregnant and confused. FML

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By HAIL SITHIS - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

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By num1piglover - United States - Raritan

Today, my dad told my mom to only drop off my sister for Thanksgiving and not me. Guess I was wrong about him wanting to work on our relationship. FML

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By vanessa_d15 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

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By mrosewrosem

Today, I woke up with a swollen face and have been diagnosed with mumps. Despite having been vaccinated against it. Twice. I have three assignments due next week and I can barely stay awake long enough to type this. FML

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By RetailScapegoat

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

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By yayme. - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By samdog37 - 1/12/2020 14:06

Mopping mad

Today, my brand-obsessed sister bought $200 shorts. She was cutting the tag off of them in the kitchen and left them on the counter. I went into the kitchen, poured me some coke, and spilled it all over the counter. I thought the shorts were a rag. FML

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By HaHa Not Funny - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

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By lemonhead

Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML

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By speedstick - United States

Today, I received an anonymous letter telling me that I smell bad, and suggesting that I wear more deodorant. Apparently my BO is so bad that someone feels the need to stalk me to point it out. FML

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By SerenityJ - United States - Mountain View

Kids talk

Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML

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By Cockroachphobic

Creepy crawlies

Today, I found out that the small bugs I've been blowing off my pillow all year are in fact baby cockroaches. I discover this when I found two full grown ones crawling around and decided to Google it. FML

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By Meowitzer

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

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By NoMoreMeatForAYear - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that just because my roommate doesn't buy alcohol, it doesn't mean she isn't stealing mine and slowly replacing it with water. That bottle cost me $150 and was destined to be a present for my best friend, whom I haven't seen in years. FML

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By van no gough - United States - Springfield

Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took ran out of fuel, so we pushed it to a nearby gas station, a gas station suffering from a gas shortage. FML

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By confused_girl - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML

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By Cowgirl_Up37 - United States

Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML

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By lynn_27

Hammertime

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to tell me he couldn't take it anymore because my legs were too hairy. I shaved yesterday. FML

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Top comments

By HaroerHaktak | 5

#7450768 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:07

I like how you're willing to give up a guy because he released a little gas. There are worse things in the world than that, and personally, if my partner let loose, I'd laugh at rate it.

By fancybest | 14

#7450765 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:04

Who cares? These things happen. At least he told you he was going to.

COMMENTS

By fancybest | 14

#7450765 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:04

Who cares? These things happen. At least he told you he was going to.

By HaroerHaktak | 5

#7450768 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:07

I like how you're willing to give up a guy because he released a little gas. There are worse things in the world than that, and personally, if my partner let loose, I'd laugh at rate it.

HaroerHaktak | 5

#7451034 - Monday 8 May 2017 11:21

OMG I just realized I made a mistake in my comment.. I said "I'd laugh at rate it" I meant, "I'd laugh AND rate it" I'm such a derp.

sophiehelen | 32

#7451067 - Monday 8 May 2017 12:27

I laugh now but I have to admit on a first date it would be a little off putting

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7450774 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:22

It's a natural occurrence. It was considerate of him to notify you, he was probably embarrassed. don't be so shallow op

By laurensaurus | 15

#7450779 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:41

Erm, why? Cos of course you've never farted in your life... Get over yourself and lighten up! ?

By Zebediabolical | 39

#7450782 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:47

People fart. What's the problem?

Oh, I got it. He announced only one of them.

laowang | 13

#7450946 - Monday 8 May 2017 7:26

Ahahahahaha, clever u are!

Slackness | 10

#7452987 - Thursday 11 May 2017 17:37

LOL, my 1st wife used to go nuts if I farted, she claimed she had never farted. Just like she claimed to always remain faithful. Load of crap!!! *well that's only if you follow through!!

By SpaceToast | 24

#7450799 - Sunday 7 May 2017 22:21

How's this an FML? He's attractive AND he understands that passing gas through the rectum maintains a healthy and happy digestive system. You could learn a thing or two from this guy.