Today, I had sex with a guy on the first date. I couldn’t wait,...

By Layne - 7/5/2017 21:00 - Brazil

Today, I had sex with a guy on the first date. I couldn’t wait, he was too gorgeous. The only problem was that when we finished, he announced that he had to fart and did so twice. Now I’m not so sure if I’ll see him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5194

You deserved it

7060

Favorite

Intimacy

Sister of the year

This ain't working out

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Kate - 29/4/2012 15:22 - United States - Concord

Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

21147

You deserved it

2859

Favorite

By I know nothing - 5/2/2017 07:00 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6818

You deserved it

505

Favorite

By wowgranny - 22/12/2016 20:08 - United States - Tooele

Today, my grandma told me that I'm starting to look like my sister. I jokingly replied, "Uh-oh I'm in trouble then." She gave me a very disapproving look and said, "You should be happy. She's beautiful, unlike you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8582

You deserved it

1243

Favorite

By Nicked - 25/4/2009 11:50 - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50902

You deserved it

15742

Favorite

By shit Music - 30/6/2016 07:32 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I forgot my headphones at home. When I got to work I found out that today was also the day the band next door had decided to practice their only song for 8 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11449

You deserved it

915

Favorite

By klsdhjla - 15/2/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25112

You deserved it

5534

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 19:11 - Italy

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

128939

You deserved it

6540

Favorite

By Noname - 12/3/2009 09:06 - Philippines

Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

91760

You deserved it

14522

Favorite

By kermudgen - 6/12/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I was directing a video shoot of a big Christmas show with 750 people attending. After the first half of the show recorded; during intermission, I accidentally deleted the show as people were signing up to buy the DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25075

You deserved it

16862

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 05:06

Uninvolved

Today, I woke up to the only home I've ever known in 32 years being burned to ash by a wildfire with everything we own inside, barely getting me and my dogs out alive. My boyfriend of 3 years promised me we would work through this together, no matter what it took, only to completely ghost me a few hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1190

You deserved it

Favorite

By lulu - 11/2/2012 10:19 - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30171

You deserved it

4688

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34001

You deserved it

62861

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, I discovered that the wintergreen breath mints I've been taking for a week now, are actually circular, flavored, white and green laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10193

You deserved it

28327

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32779

You deserved it

5873

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/5/2015 15:17 - United States

Today, I found out my mom put breast milk in my cereal until I was 7 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33989

You deserved it

3162

Favorite

By Unemployed - 21/9/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my grandma picked up the phone. It was a man asking to speak to me. Instead of giving me the phone she decides to hang up on him, thinking it was some guy trying to "get with me." It turned out to be the call I've been waiting all week for... a call from a huge company about a job offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46624

You deserved it

2730

Favorite

By Donzai - 30/3/2009 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was at my bosses house for a company BBQ. Earlier I had taken muscle relaxants to calm my lower back pain. After a few drinks it was clear the alcohol and medication did not mix. I woke up few hours later to find out I had stripped naked and jumped into the 4 foot cake before passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32441

You deserved it

81013

Favorite

By dumped - 1/7/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68412

You deserved it

4682

Favorite

By sadness - 12/10/2012 02:48 - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29271

You deserved it

2262

Favorite

By Rubyscooby212 - 15/2/2015 04:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35236

You deserved it

3689

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 19:12

Today, my sister gave me a early Christmas present. It's lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6451

You deserved it

487

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37082

You deserved it

8698

Favorite

By Jennifer - 20/1/2016 19:20 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19090

You deserved it

10589

Favorite

By coloneltushfinger - 12/6/2019 16:00

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1524

You deserved it

320

Favorite

By hairy - 30/9/2013 21:59 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I discovered that I have caught head lice from my son. Unfortunately, they are living in my chest hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40297

You deserved it

3808

Favorite

By loveless - 18/10/2009 10:30 - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33514

You deserved it

5654

Favorite

By brownunderwear - 14/12/2011 03:45 - United States

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27673

You deserved it

7843

Favorite

By just trying to be nice - 21/6/2013 02:17 - United States - Tucson

Today, I honked at a man in a Subway parking lot. He rolled down his window and screamed insults and slurs at me before driving away. Why did I honk at him? He'd left his lunch on top of his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45223

You deserved it

4009

Favorite

By WildShortstop13 - 28/1/2015 22:20 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20256

You deserved it

13192

Favorite

By shithead - 18/9/2011 20:17 - United States

Today, my friends and I ran through a flock of resting seagulls. The birds took to the skies and chased after us, covering us in shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9744

You deserved it

50959

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11058

You deserved it

35778

Favorite

By Noname - 2/3/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13571

You deserved it

44382

Favorite

By sarahwittman - 13/6/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50200

You deserved it

4879

Favorite

By supras - 4/12/2013 02:03 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, playing soccer, I jumped up to make a header and clear the ball away from our goal. I got the ball but some guy kicked me in the face. I was taken off. All the parents were horrified, saying how badly my nose must have broken. Turns out my nose was fine. That's just how my nose looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41736

You deserved it

3115

Favorite

By thedd - 18/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53995

You deserved it

3861

Favorite

By astraboy - 21/5/2009 09:11 - Australia

Today, I spent 3 hours making a birthday card for my boyfriend, delicately cutting each letter out of printed coloured paper. He used it as a coffee coaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50060

You deserved it

8493

Favorite

By WTF - 26/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34844

You deserved it

4468

Favorite

By moonlight77 - 11/1/2019 14:00

Today, I deliberately snapped a pic of myself and edited it to add to my story, in order to make my ex think I have a life on a Saturday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1161

You deserved it

2103

Favorite

By Quicky5_ - 3/11/2015 06:58 - United States - Jasper

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31033

You deserved it

2467

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 07:30 - Canada - Delta

Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect. I don't know what's worse: the fact the government can't even copy a goddamn name correctly, or that it took me three months to notice, when a cop nearly arrested me for carrying a "fake" license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31418

You deserved it

4846

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By HaroerHaktak | 5

#7450768 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:07

I like how you're willing to give up a guy because he released a little gas. There are worse things in the world than that, and personally, if my partner let loose, I'd laugh at rate it.

By fancybest | 14

#7450765 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:04

Who cares? These things happen. At least he told you he was going to.

COMMENTS

By fancybest | 14

#7450765 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:04

Who cares? These things happen. At least he told you he was going to.

By HaroerHaktak | 5

#7450768 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:07

I like how you're willing to give up a guy because he released a little gas. There are worse things in the world than that, and personally, if my partner let loose, I'd laugh at rate it.

HaroerHaktak | 5

#7451034 - Monday 8 May 2017 11:21

OMG I just realized I made a mistake in my comment.. I said "I'd laugh at rate it" I meant, "I'd laugh AND rate it" I'm such a derp.

sophiehelen | 32

#7451067 - Monday 8 May 2017 12:27

I laugh now but I have to admit on a first date it would be a little off putting

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7450774 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:22

It's a natural occurrence. It was considerate of him to notify you, he was probably embarrassed. don't be so shallow op

By laurensaurus | 15

#7450779 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:41

Erm, why? Cos of course you've never farted in your life... Get over yourself and lighten up! ?

By Zebediabolical | 37

#7450782 - Sunday 7 May 2017 21:47

People fart. What's the problem?

Oh, I got it. He announced only one of them.

laowang | 13

#7450946 - Monday 8 May 2017 7:26

Ahahahahaha, clever u are!

Slackness | 10

#7452987 - Thursday 11 May 2017 17:37

LOL, my 1st wife used to go nuts if I farted, she claimed she had never farted. Just like she claimed to always remain faithful. Load of crap!!! *well that's only if you follow through!!

By SpaceToast | 24

#7450799 - Sunday 7 May 2017 22:21

How's this an FML? He's attractive AND he understands that passing gas through the rectum maintains a healthy and happy digestive system. You could learn a thing or two from this guy.