Hump Day

Today, I realized my acne is so bad that the Facebook face recognition could recognize all of my friends in a group photo except me. FML

Sister of the year

The Summoner

True hero

By SadFace - 21/2/2013 13:04 - Singapore - Singapore

31720

3921

Today, I ran into an old couple everyone has been avoiding in my small town. Four weeks ago, they accidentally posted a picture of their pierced junk on Facebook, and I was one of the unlucky people who saw the actual picture. I can't make eye contact with them anymore. FML

By ReayHorse - 28/7/2016 16:02

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1762

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

By imsorrytimmy - 2/4/2009 15:34 - United Kingdom

26885

113939

Today, I received two letters, one from my mom, other from my dad, about how much they missed me with me not being around them. I called my mom, feeling sad. She didn't sound sad at all. She asked me which letter was better. My parents were competing each other which letter would be more moving. FML

By ssjin93 - 24/11/2009 00:07 - United States

28146

2388

Today, while giving a speech at work, I started sneezing. After what seemed to be the last sneeze, I went on talking. Apparently it wasn't, and I blew out my eardrum. FML

By SoSoRachel - 31/10/2012 21:03 - United States - Dunlap

27253

1859

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

By placard3 - 2/10/2019 20:02

Cruel Summer

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132

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

By noname - 7/1/2009 11:43 - France

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Today, I was bombarded with pictures of my little sister's Christmas present. It was a huge engagement ring. I got broken up with in public on Christmas eve. FML

By foreveralonecatlady - 28/12/2011 06:23 - United States

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Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

By Wow - 13/3/2012 04:38 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

By SuperBunny - 20/4/2009 07:59 - United States

27760

61675

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

By "PineappleOfMyEye" - 13/12/2018 12:30

1906

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Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

By HotCurry - 5/9/2009 04:57 - United States

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Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

By TiredStudent - 12/6/2020 23:07 - Australia

Bottle bank

1379

161

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

By Unfortunate Painter - 23/11/2012 02:56 - United States - Merced

23690

3245

Today, I went out to a restaurant to meet a girl that I met online. When I arrived I texted her and she said she was wearing a blue shirt. The only person that was wearing anything blue was a fat man smiling in the corner. FML

By bobthenun - 20/3/2013 21:16 - United States - Santa Barbara

42084

10726

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

By fatty - 14/8/2014 03:46 - United States - Madison

38270

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Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2015 18:50 - United States - Humble

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Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

By Scarred for life - 13/3/2020 08:00

Frozen

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123

Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said "look! this place has cotton loin clothes" in front of my wedding party. FML

By indianaxx - 30/1/2010 17:21 - France

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in my front yard. As I stormed off in my dramatic exit, I realized I had locked myself outside. I had to ask my now ex-boyfriend to borrow his phone so I could call my mom. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 04:12 - United States

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Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

By fml_anon - 19/3/2016 08:33 - United Kingdom - London

16961

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Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

By Username - 24/2/2010 15:06 - France

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Today, I went to a gig. The drummer threw his drumsticks out at the end and I managed to catch one. With my face. Not only did I get a black eye, but the person next to me snatched the drumstick from my hands. FML

By mildlyconcussed - 10/8/2015 08:32 - Italy - Somma Vesuviana

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1846

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

By not a kiddy fiddler really - 29/5/2015 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

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26404

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

By actually just constipated.. and stupid - 4/3/2015 15:03 - Tunisia

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37588

Today, I told my boss I need a scrub brush to properly clean the stairs at my workplace. She gave me an old toothbrush. FML

By Anonymous - 8/9/2015 18:46 - United States - Anchorage

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Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

By amy - 30/6/2018 19:00

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Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

By YAABOIII - 5/4/2009 22:04 - United States

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Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

By tdtf - 16/3/2016 09:11 - Germany - Neuburg

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1485

Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML

By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 18:06 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 17:00

Indifference

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4612

Today, feeling too lazy to cook dinner, I bought a bagged salad from a low-end store. I dumped the contents into a bowl; the first thing that fell out was a dead mouse. Bon appetit. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 07:52 - United States - Bend

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Today, my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, "You're joking right?" FML

By semi-depressed - 14/2/2009 17:35 - Canada

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Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

By Allenburg - 18/1/2009 01:38 - United States

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Today, my crush finally agreed to spend the night with me. I told my parents to act normal for one night. Apparently, "normal" is strutting around naked and acting like a chicken. FML

By schooyou101 - 17/11/2012 13:34 - United States - Prairie Village

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Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may be my boss. FML

By - Moved Across the Country - 6/8/2011 06:05 - United States

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Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

By Sigh - 13/9/2009 12:42 - Australia

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Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

By hitmutefirst - 3/2/2009 10:24 - United States

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Today was my moms wedding and I was the maid of honor! I was so excited to walk down the isle with my mom, but the church was so dry I got a bloody nose 5 minutes before going down. I couldn’t go down the isle or watch my mom go down either. I had to stay in the back and hold my nose up. FML

By Blindjac - 20/2/2019 16:00

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