By Anonymous

He'll understand when he's older

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

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Late term

Commando

Mother of the year

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. After she left, they told me they disapprove of her because of her supposedly lower social class. Now I have to either dump her or lose the money they set aside to pay for my university tuition. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2021 14:02

Baby fever

Today, it's the fifth long-term boyfriend I’ve dumped because I want to be a mother but they didn’t want to be fathers. In fact, the last one laughed in my face and told me he’d be willing to get a cat, because cats require less effort than dogs, and don’t interrupt his PS4 time after work. FML

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By daniella101 - United States - Lacombe

Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML

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By MCRxforever - United States

Today, I was taking my dog on a walk when two younger looking boys rode their bikes up towards me. One said, "What about her?" The other boy said, "Nah, she's ugly." FML

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By ewww - United States

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

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By preggers - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

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By Jenna - 12/10/2020 02:02

Jumping the gun

Today, my boyfriend of one week kissed my stomach and began speaking to our "baby." We haven't had sex yet. In fact, I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

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By pridekills - United States - Mulberry

Today, my co-worker told me I should stop smoking cigarettes because it makes my breath "smell like shit" and makes my teeth look as yellow as corn. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. FML

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By TheBeastSwaq - United States

Today, I met my ex's new boyfriend. I was at work, cashiering at the movie theater that they were apparently having their first date at. We broke up less than 24 hours ago. FML

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By stephiew - United States

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I realized my Internet addiction had gone too far when I tried to Google what was in my freezer. FML

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By StinkyDogs - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By nice education you've got there - United States - Monroe

Today, my friends and I were exchanging stories with one another. I barely got a few sentences in before they started mocking and viciously insulting me for saying "swaggered", claiming it comes from the slang term "swag", and that they never thought I was a "dumbass hipster". Really now? FML

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By Bruce - United States

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe... with my foot. FML

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By lame - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my father got out of rehab for his alcoholism. This would be great if he hadn't started drinking the moment he got home. FML

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By Frozen Food Fan - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

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By funfettifirework - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I almost got our office burned down by plugging the wrong charger into a laptop cooling fan. Tried to hide the incident and kept it casual but the smoke detector led it to my area and everyone knew I was the culprit. I'm a new hire too. FML

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By Anonymous

How to make a sociopath

Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

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By hc11bmd - United States - Bethel

Today, I asked a coworker what she'd bought her dad for father's day. She said that she got him some flowers, and I laughed because I thought it was a rather feminine gift for a man. I later found out that the flowers were for his grave. FML

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By screw_this27

Today, I received a book about sailboats. I'd ordered a book about makeup. FML

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By dmanrique - United States

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn't on drugs, he's just really stupid. FML

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By Depressed - United States - Collierville

Today, I got a call from the head of my school dance committee saying that the dance was cancelled and the services originally hired were still expecting to be paid. The reason the dance got cancelled? One of the girls on the committee's parents wouldn't let her buy her dream dress. FML

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By Uneducated

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

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By gaga - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Today, it marks the 3-month anniversary of adopting the 'I don't have the slightest chance at success' attitude at work. In those 3 months, my boss, my coworkers and my boss's boss have all agreed and our relationships have greatly improved. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 05:01

Rookie mistake

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend. Two weeks before Valentine's day. She expects me to buy her a present because we've known each other for a while, and apparently thinks it's more than a drunk hookup. FML

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By Mack - Canada

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

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By RedLion23 - United Kingdom

Today, good news! The guitar I have been saving up for, for 5 months, finally arrived. It came inside a beautiful black and white case, and impossible to get into without the key. They didn't pack the key. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

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By Steven, Customer Service - United States - Dover Plains

"Hey, where the white women at?"

Today, I took a call from a man who said his dating apps are connecting him with "black and oriental women" when he only wants white women. I spent 47 minutes on the phone with this customer trying to explain that I am only an AT&T Service Rep and have no control over any dating apps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wheaton

Today, my girlfriend hasn't spoken to me in a week, so I gave her a call. No reply. I texted her, and got a text back saying: "Sorry, dude. Better luck next time!" FML

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By me

Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

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By Rinelric1998 - United States - Greensboro

Today, some kid asked me if I was Mexican. After I explained to him that I was actually Venezuelan, he simply snorted and said, "That's the same f*cking thing. If you speak Spanish then you're Mexican." FML

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By anonymiss - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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By Deadpool434 - Ireland - Dublin

Well played

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times' sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent." I got pranked by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the landscaping job I started three weeks ago is actually for an illicit business run by a hippie who pissed away the entire payroll to fund his drug habit. He has no way of coughing up the $900 he owes me. I'm broke as hell, and my electricity is now going to get cut off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7902753 - Saturday 2 May 2020 22:02

“Daddy, daddy, the nanny has a tinder! You want to play train with her?”
This will make a great start to a porn plot; you better get your caboose warmed up.

By ViviMage | 38

#7902721 - Saturday 2 May 2020 19:47

Chugga chugga choo choo!!

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7902698 - Saturday 2 May 2020 17:43

Well, you are...

By ViviMage | 38

#7902721 - Saturday 2 May 2020 19:47

Chugga chugga choo choo!!

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7902738 - Saturday 2 May 2020 20:31

Sadly, most people don’t know why tinder (the app) is called tinder. Poor city slickers.

Reply

bloopaloop | 27

#7902789 - Sunday 3 May 2020 2:26

I’m surprised you even know what the app is.

By pjsr | 32

#7902753 - Saturday 2 May 2020 22:02

“Daddy, daddy, the nanny has a tinder! You want to play train with her?”
This will make a great start to a porn plot; you better get your caboose warmed up.

By Tiffani Carter | 6

#7902808 - Sunday 3 May 2020 5:39

Yea...maybe a little inappropriate?

By slowhandjp | 16

#7902813 - Sunday 3 May 2020 6:32

The definition of Tinder is that
dry material that burns easily and can be used for lighting fires.

Reply

Zak Greenwell | 2

#7904889 - Saturday 9 May 2020 20:39

and that's the only tinder I'll ever play with again.