By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 17:00

He'll understand when he's older

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

I agree, your life sucks

514

You deserved it

1541

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Kick the bum out, part 2

Ideal first date

By Anonymous

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1641

You deserved it

175

Tweet

Share

By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50757

You deserved it

3459

Tweet

Share

By fantastic - France

Today, I went to the store to get Valentine's Day gifts to decorate my boyfriend's and my new apartment. He was there shopping with his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40853

You deserved it

5088

Tweet

Share

By deadmedia - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

I agree, your life sucks

56859

You deserved it

3847

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50102

You deserved it

7844

Tweet

Share

By ughhhh - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33292

You deserved it

5741

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33951

You deserved it

3055

Tweet

Share

By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40226

You deserved it

2843

Tweet

Share

By whatthehell - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67184

You deserved it

3738

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33962

You deserved it

2906

Tweet

Share

By wtf - Australia - Narangba

Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53452

You deserved it

14899

Tweet

Share

By kilamo80 - United States - Clarkston

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52366

You deserved it

4139

Tweet

Share

By okay._. - United States - Marysville

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying that I couldn't wait for him to get home and see my costume, and that I had dressed up as a naked lady. He texted back asking if I could dress up as someone who was making dinner instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36297

You deserved it

7347

Tweet

Share

By blackitalian - United States

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15103

You deserved it

31709

Tweet

Share

By IRum - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32017

You deserved it

5447

Tweet

Share

By .__. - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I snooped around my parents' room looking for hidden Christmas presents. The only hidden things I found was a whip, two ball gags, several other sex toys, and a load of newspaper clippings about the JFK assassination. What the fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks

23461

You deserved it

38319

Tweet

Share

By annoyed

Today, I received an email from my insurance company about a claim that happened over a month ago when I hit someone from behind. I was very apologetic and stated it was my fault, and now they're trying to claim replacement vehicle costs. I was going under 10mph and their car only had a scratch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3603

You deserved it

473

Tweet

Share

By babymomma - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56951

You deserved it

5626

Tweet

Share

By fuck your music - United States - Hesperia

Doo doo doodoodoo doo doo

Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1777

You deserved it

521

Tweet

Share

By sleeplessinrichmond - United States - Bronx

Today, the guy on the floor above me decided it was time for a tuba jam session. Apparently optimal tuba time is 2am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43651

You deserved it

2944

Tweet

Share

By Noname - France

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36978

You deserved it

8696

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Absecon

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42993

You deserved it

4802

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my husband came home from a six-month business trip. When I saw him, I hugged and kissed him. My grandma started calling me a slutty whore, and told us we were a disgrace to our family, while trying to hit him with her cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25430

You deserved it

1592

Tweet

Share

By Shaun - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

88204

You deserved it

6137

Tweet

Share

By xxlexi_lovexx - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38145

You deserved it

6802

Tweet

Share

By iliveformystery - United States - Oshkosh

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed as a pirate. Someone complimented me on how convincing the fake teeth were that I had on for my costume. I wasn't wearing fake teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33112

You deserved it

6542

Tweet

Share

By Somerandomguy64 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46099

You deserved it

9716

Tweet

Share

By snipsnip

Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12550

You deserved it

1001

Tweet

Share

By Bushfan101 - France

Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13024

You deserved it

28627

Tweet

Share

By Tanner - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38322

You deserved it

3669

Tweet

Share

By unnamed - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15484

You deserved it

39110

Tweet

Share

By vanessa_d15 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10452

You deserved it

23564

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 08:02

Ratatouille

Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

909

You deserved it

148

Tweet

Share

By FriendZone - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6699

You deserved it

1973

Tweet

Share

By injuredwifelady - United States - Omaha

Today, I was sleeping peacefully with my cat sweetly snuggling my legs under the covers. My husband dutch-ovened her, and she shredded my calves as she rushed to escape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20746

You deserved it

1975

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Neighbours from hell

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22925

You deserved it

1984

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27962

You deserved it

3742

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - College Station

Today, my boss gave me a verbal warning. My crime? Calling people "hon", "darlin'", and the like. I work at a Texas diner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47914

You deserved it

5901

Tweet

Share

By maybe if i was paid like them i would - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I had any kinks, so I told him all about them. He was actually mad because I didn't have the same 'sexy kinks' the girls in porn have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28217

You deserved it

2561

Tweet

Share

By too young for this - United States

Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68139

You deserved it

5844

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7902753 - Saturday 2 May 2020 22:02

“Daddy, daddy, the nanny has a tinder! You want to play train with her?”
This will make a great start to a porn plot; you better get your caboose warmed up.

By ViviMage | 38

#7902721 - Saturday 2 May 2020 19:47

Chugga chugga choo choo!!

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7902698 - Saturday 2 May 2020 17:43

Well, you are...

By ViviMage | 38

#7902721 - Saturday 2 May 2020 19:47

Chugga chugga choo choo!!

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7902738 - Saturday 2 May 2020 20:31

Sadly, most people don’t know why tinder (the app) is called tinder. Poor city slickers.

Reply

bloopaloop | 27

#7902789 - Sunday 3 May 2020 2:26

I’m surprised you even know what the app is.

By pjsr | 32

#7902753 - Saturday 2 May 2020 22:02

“Daddy, daddy, the nanny has a tinder! You want to play train with her?”
This will make a great start to a porn plot; you better get your caboose warmed up.

By Tiffani Carter | 6

#7902808 - Sunday 3 May 2020 5:39

Yea...maybe a little inappropriate?

By slowhandjp | 16

#7902813 - Sunday 3 May 2020 6:32

The definition of Tinder is that
dry material that burns easily and can be used for lighting fires.

Reply

Zak Greenwell | 2

#7904889 - Saturday 9 May 2020 20:39

and that's the only tinder I'll ever play with again.