By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

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Ruined art

Don't do favors for strangers

Spreading

By rockefoe - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

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By :( - Japan - Tokyo

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

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By a2 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, my boyfriend admitted to subtly encouraging me to do stupid things because he finds my "bimbo moments" hilarious. FML

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By mandie - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 22:56

Help needed

Today, I've been asking for help to close up store for the last 7 months, at the height of a global pandemic. My boss's excuse for no help? Joe Biden and the government is keeping everyone who would earn 10 dollars an hour from working, because they are all lazy. Joe wasn't president 7 months ago. FML

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By ShitStirringSon - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

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By ThroatSlasher - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 15:05 - Hong Kong - Central District

Does this smell weird?

Today, I found out that the shampoo I’ve been using has yogurt in, following a prank my boyfriend did. Turns out he forgot about it and I’ve been using it for 5 days now. FML

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By Cinderstar95 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

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By Azure_Mist - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

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By pootie - United States - Miami

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

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By Distracted - United States - Greenfield

Today, I was driving and someone was following me across the city and wouldn't let up, so I drove past my house, thinking it was a stalker. Eventually I lost them on the highway. It wasn't until I'd gotten back home that I remembered that my 'stalker' was a coworker I'd invited over for lunch. FML

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By anon

Today, I had RA training and we were doing mock situations. During one of these, I had a seizure. Everyone thought it was fake, until I started violently throwing up. FML

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By poisonivyretard - United States - Narragansett

Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I went on what I thought was a date. After a wonderful night with a perfect gentleman, he told me how excited he is that he's moving in with his girlfriend next week, and thanked me for reassuring him that he doesn't want anyone but her. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommates fingernail clippings all over the place. FML

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By xomelodygervais - Canada - Timmins

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

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By Discipl - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

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By feelsterrible - United States - Duluth

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warns me that a pattern of damaged passports will result in longer processing periods, she spills her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By oopsjsp90 - Australia

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh... Thats actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

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By Emily

Today, a man was struggling up some slippery steps with a pram, when his sunglasses fell from his head. I hurried to pick them up for him, as he had no free hands, but instead accidentally stood on them, snapping them in half. FML

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By notmysistersbf - Canada - Summerland

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

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By fmlTGOD - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I faked a sore throat for the school nurse so I could go home early. It took my dad the rest of the school day just to get there to pick me up. FML

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By CoCo - France

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

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By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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By RBEE - France

Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

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By 713 - United States

Today, the girl I like sent me a Facebook message telling me how the message I left on her phone was one of the funniest drunk dials she's ever gotten. I'm debating whether or not I should tell her that I don't drink. FML

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By Goldar - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

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Top comments

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7929459 - Sunday 9 August 2020 2:11

When I read stories like these I understand why some brides insist on proof reading and approving the speeches ahead of time lol

By tounces7 | 27

#7929476 - Sunday 9 August 2020 4:38

Man you can't just start a super fascinating-sounding story like that one and not tell us the rest!

COMMENTS

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7929459 - Sunday 9 August 2020 2:11

When I read stories like these I understand why some brides insist on proof reading and approving the speeches ahead of time lol

By tounces7 | 27

#7929476 - Sunday 9 August 2020 4:38

Man you can't just start a super fascinating-sounding story like that one and not tell us the rest!

Reply

Nic1330 | 4

#7929623 - Sunday 9 August 2020 20:03

yeah I want to know how the trees doing and if it's even still there

By slowhandjp | 16

#7929517 - Sunday 9 August 2020 10:31

What was it?

By slowhandjp | 16

#7929519 - Sunday 9 August 2020 10:37

What was it about?

By spinspinsugar | 12

#7929636 - Sunday 9 August 2020 21:25

my dad's wife did something similar at my wedding. she gave a pre-father-of-the-bride speech and we thought that was gonna relate to my husband taking good care of me like my dad did. nope. it was pretty much one big middle finger to my mom

Reply

Sady_Ct | 37

#7929745 - Monday 10 August 2020 12:26

I would have gotten up and taken the mic off her and made her sit down. How rude!

By JasonThorn | 18

#7945674 - Saturday 17 October 2020 12:15

"Thank you, Dad, for that interesting speech, and I am sure everyone here hopes the Alzheimer's medication shows positive results soon."