By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

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Serious times

Thanks, I'm cured!

Great speech, thanks!

By SaggyBoy135 - 12/7/2011 12:19 - United States

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

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By Groped - 2/4/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, I gave up my seat on the subway for an elderly man. He thanked me by grabbing my ass. FML

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By Normal - 13/12/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

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By Foreveralone - 22/7/2016 08:54 - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By alphafoxy21 - 5/5/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, after spending 8 months and $11,000 on school, I was denied a job in my chosen career field. They told me they decided to go with someone with more experience. So who got the job? One of my classmates. This is her first job. EVER. FML

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By pathetic - 29/5/2009 02:35 - Canada

Today, while getting ready for work I realized all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale which confirmed I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

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By Charli - 13/8/2018 22:37

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2015 08:25

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

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By AmihayG - 27/3/2012 16:32 - Israel

Today, as I was riding the bus, a lady told her daughter to sit next to me. She looked at me and started to scream and cry in horror. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 16:58 - United States - Portland

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By squeak - 12/9/2011 13:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

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By Tottie - 24/6/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, by request from my new boss, I came into work over an hour early to finish some backed-up filing. This seemed like a great opportunity to earn some extra overtime pay. After spending an hour and half filing, I realized I hadn't clocked in for the day. FML

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By phobopohobia - 6/2/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

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By moms know best??? - 27/7/2013 21:41 - Canada - Morinville

Neat

Today, I received some unwanted anal sex tips. They were unwanted because I'm not into anal sex, and the tips came from my drunk mom. FML

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By grosssss - 1/1/2010 13:03 - Australia

Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 02:12 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 05:00

A beautiful truck decoration

Today, someone threw a sausage roll in my truck, but I ignored it because I was about to start a 2 day round trip. 6 hours later, I stopped for coffee. I have seen that it was a massive dildo, the ones with a suction cup on the base. The suction cup had stuck the massive dildo in the door for 6 hours and 200 miles. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

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By cannabis_this420 - 17/3/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. So, I was a smart ass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML

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By ByeByeBirdie - 29/6/2016 22:41 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I'd had enough of the annoying bird constantly singing in the shrillest bird voice possible outside of my window, so I chased it around the yard, shooing it away, as my cat sat there and watched. FML

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By hatemyjob - 5/11/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, I found out that the new receptionist earns more than I do. I'm an undergraduate accountant and I've been working there for 2 years. Oh and I started out as the receptionist before I got a "promotion". FML

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By juvenile friends suck - 10/1/2013 20:52 - Germany - Tangstedt

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

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By Phobic_fml - 28/6/2019 22:22

Today, I saw the engagement announcement for the girl I've been in love with for 10 years. FML

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By fireman - 6/10/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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By mystupidson - 31/8/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

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By musicman2005 - 30/3/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

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By Nicholas Laughton - 16/6/2017 14:00

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

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By Baby eater - 20/5/2014 00:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

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By whatashame - 1/4/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML

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By Noname - 18/3/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

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By acab93 - 10/2/2011 22:37 - United States

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 11:16 - France

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2016 19:47 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I finally found out why my graphics card in my PC had been overheating recently. My brother disconnected the card's fan because it was too loud when he was gaming. I guess I can always spend another $750. FML

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By conspicuous - 12/9/2012 20:11 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditiorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and clapped. FML

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By authorx - 27/6/2013 04:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

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By NotKeithRichards - 6/9/2011 12:07 - United States

Today, while playing a gig with my band, I tried pulling the classic "playing the guitar with one foot on the monitor" rock-star pose. However, I misjudged the height of the monitor, didn't notice the puddle of beer in front of it, slipped, and fell off the stage into the security guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2018 15:00

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

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By KO - 30/4/2014 04:20 - United States

Today, I was changing the garbage at a local fast food place where I work. Being a rather short guy, I had to lean back and fling the full, heavy bag at the top. I did so with such force that my head hit the dumpster, knocking me out. FML

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Top comments

By Roxy Rousseau | 8

#7929459 - Sunday 9 August 2020 2:11

When I read stories like these I understand why some brides insist on proof reading and approving the speeches ahead of time lol

By tounces7 | 26

#7929476 - Sunday 9 August 2020 4:38

Man you can't just start a super fascinating-sounding story like that one and not tell us the rest!

COMMENTS

By Roxy Rousseau | 8

#7929459 - Sunday 9 August 2020 2:11

When I read stories like these I understand why some brides insist on proof reading and approving the speeches ahead of time lol

By tounces7 | 26

#7929476 - Sunday 9 August 2020 4:38

Man you can't just start a super fascinating-sounding story like that one and not tell us the rest!

Reply

Nic1330 | 4

#7929623 - Sunday 9 August 2020 20:03

yeah I want to know how the trees doing and if it's even still there

By slowhandjp | 16

#7929517 - Sunday 9 August 2020 10:31

What was it?

By slowhandjp | 16

#7929519 - Sunday 9 August 2020 10:37

What was it about?

By spinspinsugar | 7

#7929636 - Sunday 9 August 2020 21:25

my dad's wife did something similar at my wedding. she gave a pre-father-of-the-bride speech and we thought that was gonna relate to my husband taking good care of me like my dad did. nope. it was pretty much one big middle finger to my mom

Reply

Sady_Ct | 37

#7929745 - Monday 10 August 2020 12:26

I would have gotten up and taken the mic off her and made her sit down. How rude!