By Xibalba - 1/9/2020 14:02

F*** my overweight life

Today, my 5-year-old daughter drew a picture of our family. A typical drawing for a 5-year-old. Sticks and straws. One had two round shapes on its chest. "Is that mommy and is that one me?" I asked. "No daddy," she said. "You’re this one," she said while pointing out the one with boobs. FML

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BO Central

Kick the bum out, part 2

Get the message, dude

By Anonymous - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was getting up to leave my room he said, "Good talk Chelsey." My sister is Chelsey. So I corrected him. He thought I was joking. My father can't tell my sister and I apart. We are not twins. FML

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By whirlednews - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

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By shoeaddiikt - Australia

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

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By mywillyisdisappointed - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a teaching job interview. After giving my demo lesson, I was told by the director that I had given it on the wrong topic. Turns out, I never got the e-mail with the instructions for the interview. Now I'm definitely not getting the job. FML

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By technical - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

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By woah - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

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By Deaththreat101 - United States - Evanston

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

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By speshlk37 - United States

Today, while traveling with my cat, I had a mini-freakout when I realized that I left his favorite toy in the hotel room. I'm a 30-year-old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

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By hangman - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

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By Anonymous

No exit! No choice!

Today, I drove my car and suddenly I got diarrhea & shit my pants. I put a plastic bag under me to not let all the shit go through my pants and get to my seat. Then, one of my work mates saw my car and came to say hello, she saw all the shit and the plastic bag. FML

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By SickandTired - Australia

Today, I went to work despite having a nasty cold. I didn't call up sick because last week when I called in, my boss said I was being "unprofessional and unacceptable." My boss sent me home with a written warning today, claiming that coming to work sick was "unprofessional and unacceptable." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

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By brokenhearted - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By depressed - United States - Hull

Today, I finally told my dad about how I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. He began to recite a commercial for depression meds, but he couldn't finish because he was overwhelmed with laughter. FML

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By anon - United States - Dublin

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

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By Forever Alone

Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

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By princev - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

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By sonofawackjob - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

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By Unemployed

Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML

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By 1378 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fayette

Today, I had to have major oral surgery. Needless to say I am in need of some heavy pain medication. My pharmacist insists that my surgeon never called in my medicine, and my surgeon insists otherwise. This has been going back and forth for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

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By lostinspace - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I couldn't sleep due to an awful head cold, so I stayed home from work. Apparently, the local high school marching band practices in the park across the street at 9am. They're doing the Imperial March music from Star Wars. They suck. FML

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By Bro

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

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By bad samaritan - United States - Houston

Today, a parent was too busy texting to notice her child had run in front of a moving truck. She did however see me grab the child's backpack to yank him back out of traffic. She then screamed at me for "manhandling" her child and demanded I be fired. It's not even my school; I'm a part time sub. FML

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By solyana vr1 - United States

Today, my husband started getting frisky, but I wasn't in the mood, so I said I'd just like to cuddle and talk. He decided a good topic of conversation was whether or not it would be physically possible to smoke my grandma's ashes from the cremation urn. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while trying to take my Christmas tree down, I learned that at some point during the last few weeks, it became home to a colony of green ants. I'm now covered in bites and terrified to go anywhere near it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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By HWS - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

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By Craigslist is Evil. - United States - Dickson

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

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By fish killer - Canada

Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML

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By The_Waffle - United States - Cleveland

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

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By Nickolas Neffster - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend a very expensive necklace. I gave it to her thinking she'd be extremely happy. Instead she was mad at me because my gift for our anniversary was better than hers. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7935254 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 16:27

I'm guessing you're ripped with massive pecs married to a skinny beanpole like Olive Oyl.

Or...

Or...

Or, you've got manboobs!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7935254 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 16:27

I'm guessing you're ripped with massive pecs married to a skinny beanpole like Olive Oyl.

Or...

Or...

Or, you've got manboobs!