By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 05:00

Extreme drying

Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

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RIP in peace

Understanding

Near the knuckle

By gotta euthanize em all - Canada

Today, while at work, I had to spend an hour and a half on the phone, listening to an old lady relive her entire day in excruciating detail. We're not allowed to hang up on customers, and she was extremely quick to dismiss all my attempts to steer the call back on topic. FML

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By Falafax - United States

Today, I auditioned for a part and made it because the director thought I would be "perfect" for the part and I was "just like the character in every way." The part is for a schizophrenic drug addict who everyone hates and is stabbed to death in the second scene. FML

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By MIA

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cranford

Today, despite seeing her every weekend, her not telling me her work schedule, and her having ignored me every time she gets a boyfriend, my sister is upset that I "don't make more of an effort to see her." Sorry, I'm trying to not rely on people who hurt me. FML

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By allergyface - Canada

Today, I was talking to my parents, when all of a sudden my dad starts freaking out and asking my mom how I got this really bad allergy on my face. My mom just laughed, and then I had to explain to him that it was just my acne. The worst part is, he was dead serious the whole time. FML

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By msarosi - Canada - Port Perry

Today, I popped a pimple while stopped at a red light. When I looked over the woman in the car next to me was laughing, and had her camera phone out. FML

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By Girafarig - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

High Times

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

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By mizzy - United States

Today, my four year old got mad that he couldn't find his favorite character on the Wii. So, he decided to smash the Wii remote into my $700 LCD TV, shattering the screen. That was the only TV in the house, and the $80 service plan I bought doesn't cover accidental damage. FML

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By - United States - Huntsville

Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML

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By nilssonfan - United States

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Hmmm, twins

Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML

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By a cat named tiddles

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

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By milkymoo - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

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By disappointed - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

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By xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx - Singapore

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

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By wowohwow - United States

Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML

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By FuckMcDonalds

Today, while working at McDonald's, I was pulled into the manager's office and informed that I'd been caught stealing money from the safe. When I told them to show me the security footage, they refused and fired me on the spot. FML

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By dessy - United States - San Diego

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick up a few things from the store for him while he was at work. After picking up everything he asked for, I wasn't left with much money so I used $50 from my account. When he got home he then grumbled about me spending all of "his" money. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

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By Cano951 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By owwie - United States

Today, it snowed in South Carolina for the first time in 10 years. It snowed eight whole inches! I was so excited, I yelled for my kids and ran outside to build a snowman. I ran out to the steps and slipped on ice. I woke up in the hospital with a bad concussion. The snow had all melted. FML

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By Ohgreat - United States

Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML

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By windthroughmyflab - United States

Today, I stuck my hand out the car window and noticed my arm fat flapping in the wind. FML

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By Guilpie - Germany - Heidelberg

Today, I politely asked our overweight neighbour to park on her side of the garage. Three unsuccessful tries later, she drives out and parks on the street in a huff, and I'm now the world's biggest bastard because she can't legally park on her side and still open her door due to her size. FML

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By Whateversz - Netherlands

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

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By BurnedDown - United Kingdom - Bridlington

Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML

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By unknown - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I ran across the street due to a line of cars waiting for me to cross. Just as I reached the other side, my iPhone slipped out of my hand and fell into the road, just in time to get run over by multiple cars, one after the other. FML

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By cathugger

Today, I decided to confess my feelings and perform a love song I'd written for my crush during an open mic night. He was there - he also took the opportunity to declare his love to his on-off girlfriend, get down on one knee and propose to her. She said yes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

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By maddiee. - Indonesia

Today, I was on Skype with a guy I really like, in the living room. My dad saw that I was on video chat, got undressed, right down to his bright green y-fronts, and then started dancing behind me. My crush saw it all. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that we need a code word for when I'm being annoying. FML

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By ProneToBlondeMoments - United Kingdom

Today, I was just about to do an important presentation in front of my boss and co-workers. When, without warning I tripped in front of everyone and knocked a VERY expensive computer off the table. How do I know it was so expensive? I'm paying for it. FML

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By wmkaz - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

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By brokenhearted - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By ididlookgood - United States

Today, I went to the gym that I just became a member of, making an extra effort to look good because I've heard there are hot guys there. The lady at the front desk said they need to take my picture, then took a second look and said, "Don't worry hun, we'll take it when you're more prepared." FML

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By Pumpkin - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

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Top comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7910599 - Tuesday 2 June 2020 7:15

how would you not be aware of something like that? a regular pillow and a memory foam one feel totally different and look different as well.

By ewilkes91 | 11

#7910601 - Tuesday 2 June 2020 7:20

Why the hell wouldn’t you look before washing it?!

COMMENTS

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7910599 - Tuesday 2 June 2020 7:15

how would you not be aware of something like that? a regular pillow and a memory foam one feel totally different and look different as well.

By ewilkes91 | 11

#7910601 - Tuesday 2 June 2020 7:20

Why the hell wouldn’t you look before washing it?!

By Wadlaen | 19

#7910858 - Wednesday 3 June 2020 0:49

And it will never forget about that...