Decision-Making Struggles

Today, I was at the store with my kids. My 5-year-old son wanted to carry the milk carton, so I let him. He dropped it and it spilled. I was really embarrassed. Then he decided to get on the floor and lick the milk off the ground. Everyone stared at me accusingly. FML

The best cat

Fear factor

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 00:46 - United States - Kerman

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Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

By orangethonglover - 17/7/2009 04:02 - United States

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Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

By fmlifetime - 24/10/2009 22:24 - United States

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Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

By TBTC - 31/8/2012 07:16 - France - Le G?vre

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Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2015 13:58 - United States - Colorado Springs

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Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

By Hank Gummyworm - 16/6/2011 06:37 - United States

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Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weedwacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgetting that I am mowing where the dogs go to the restroom, I absent-mindedly weedwack over dog poop. Which got flung into my face. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 15:50 - United States

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Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

By shifala - 22/1/2015 09:02 - Philippines - Caloocan

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Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 23:15 - United States - Providence

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Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML

By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 13:12 - Belgium

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Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML

By Vince - 9/12/2011 19:38 - Canada

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Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

By Lizzy - 11/11/2016 03:01

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Today, to amuse my girlfriend I put on her sexy nightshirt and go out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughs until one of her neighbors shouts "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

By gabess - 4/1/2009 01:59 - France

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Today, I was flirting with a really hot guy at a track meet and I gave him my number. When I asked him what school he went to he replied, "Oh, I don't go to school, We're from the juvenile corrections facility." FML

By Noname - 17/3/2009 14:42 - United States

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Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 21:40 - Canada - Markham

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Today, after constantly checking my email for a week, I finally got a letter saying that I was accepted to take a test for a job position. The only problem is I was scheduled to test today, eight hours ago. FML

By level6 - 23/10/2010 22:11 - United States

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Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML

By new name - 6/11/2012 22:03 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

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Today, after explaining that I never want kids, I was asked, "Are you sure? I have really strong swimmers." FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 15:30

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Today, after my first flight landed late, I burned out my lungs sprinting full speed for 10 minutes to catch my next flight. The gate number on my ticket was wrong. It had been changed to one right next to where I had originally pulled up to. FML

By mad flyer - 21/2/2010 05:47 - France

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Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

By BigMouth McRedface - 14/5/2010 02:11 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

By His name is now "Cunt" in my phone - 5/4/2017 14:00

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Today, I found out my 8th period science teacher got fired. Our final is tomorrow. FML

By - 29/12/2018 10:00 - United States - Washington

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

By ohno - 14/9/2010 23:30 - United States

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Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

By mikey51 - 10/3/2012 01:56 - Australia

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Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

By Ser17 - 10/8/2011 17:47 - United States

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Today, I had a customer tell me that I don't look a day over 39. I'm 35. FML

By aginglikemilk - 14/3/2017 18:00

They weren't wrong...

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Today, my neighbour put in a noise complaint against me for being loud at midnight. I was having a coughing fit and couldn't breath. FML

By Hotdogwater - 29/12/2016 13:33

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Today, while entering the building I live in, I walked into my neighbor who winked at me and said last night must have been great. After I asked why, he said he could hear my girlfriend moaning and screaming, and that I must be pretty good at it. I was just coming back from a week overseas. FML

By ouch - 9/8/2009 01:56 - Brazil

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Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

By EliseV - 3/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Chino Hills

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Today, it's my 17th birthday. The only person who remembered was the creepy guy in my English class who keeps trying to smell my hair. FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 15:34 - United States

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Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

By Anonymous - 13/2/2012 04:45 - United States

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Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 15:17 - United Kingdom - Bristol

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Today, I used my rear windsheild wiper and it shattered a large hole in the glass where the rotating part is. No one can repair the window until tomorrow afternoon. It's snowing. FML

By Crystal Crackles - 6/12/2018 05:00

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Today, I was walking around Walmart feeling pretty good about myself as I received numerous looks from guys in passing. All of a sudden a man approached me to tell me that my dress was extremely see-through. And, since I was wearing a thong, he and everyone else could totally see my ass. FML

By EmBAREassed - 31/7/2009 13:43 - United States

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Today, I got back from a camping trip after being homesick for 3 weeks. I couldn't remember why I had wanted to be away from my family for so long when I signed up for it. When I got home, I remembered. Everyone in my family hates each other. I want to go back to the camping site. FML

By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 16:02

A rock and a hard place

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Today, I realized that if you are too lazy to get completely dressed in the morning and only put on a top, you should not answer a Skype video call from your boss that involves you standing up, turning around and grabbing files from your filing cabinet all in clear view of your web cam. FML

By julie - 12/11/2009 01:54 - United States

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Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:37 - United States - Conover

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Today, while at a restaurant, my 4 year old son pointed to a lady and exclaimed “Mom, her butt is even bigger than yours!” FML.

By Big bootay - 28/1/2019 16:00

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Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

By Katie - 13/12/2012 18:00 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because we got into a fight over what color that confusing black and blue and white and gold dress was. FML

By confused - 27/2/2015 03:07 - United States - Milwaukee

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