By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:00

Curiosity!

Today, I got curious and decided to look for my ex's social media after he blocked me off everything. I found him on LinkedIn and it is only after I click on his profile that I remembered, he will be notified that I looked him up. FML

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Love

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Age ain't nothing but a number

This is us

By Anonymous

Today, my not-quite-potty-trained toddler niece had a 'wee accident' in my bed. I used towels to mop it up and changed the sheets. Later, I had the bright idea to dry it faster by turning the electric blanket on high. Now my room smells like burned urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Davis

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

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By nasty_ex - Australia

Today, I finally found out who has been sending me hate letters, it's my husband's ex-wife. They've been divorced for 7 years. FML

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By Florida - United States - Winchester

Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML

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By kernewek - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

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By Anonymous - Dominican Republic

Today, my expensive, multi-feature, water proof watch was destroyed... by water. FML

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By Ugh-Lee - United States

Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML

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By DiskJockey - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson, never leave your "Let It Be" album, which you paid $489 for on Ebay out on your desk. My brother also learned something, old records make for very breakable, one use frisbees. FML

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By justthinkofyourhand - United States - Salida

Today, after five years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. The words "just think of the tax breaks" were uttered. FML

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By oh - Denmark - Viborg

Today, my grandma commented on my Facebook profile picture: "That's a great photo! It doesn't look anything like you!" FML

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By FunGhoost - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By whymanwhy - Czech Republic

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore. He stood up and said he was leaving when I said that I didn't like 50 Shades of Grey, because he, "doesn't want to be near a bitch who doesn't know her place". He then told me to give him a ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2020 02:00

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

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By fet - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to shave my feet in order to wear ballet flats. I'm not a hobbit. FML

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24129

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By hair2daygone4ever - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

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33497

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By damnit - United States

Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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25547

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By 4evalone - United States

WTF dude?

Today, the man I love, who broke my heart by leaving me a few months ago, showed up to a family event and pulled off the most elaborate, romantic proposal I've ever seen. He was proposing to my cousin. FML

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By QuickieGirl - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend thinks that the goal of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible. FML

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33236

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By Anonymous - Italy

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous, and not thinking, I made comments that included the words "killing", "dying", and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By whoevenncares - United States

Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML

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By Semius

Today, I saved a young girl from drowning in a hotel pool with no lifeguards on duty. The girl's mother was too busy on her phone to notice what was happening, and when I called out to her, she started yelling at her daughter for going in too far. Never bothered to thank me for saving her kid either. FML

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1997

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By JealousBratMuch - Canada - High River

Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML

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By Karansuni - Germany

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Oops, I Did It Again

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

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1608

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

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By dreamer2639 - United States

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

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By imatool - United States

Today, I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

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63587

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By not anymore - United States - Monroe

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

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27317

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By hopefulanonymous - United States

Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

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By stuckwithafamilyofcunts - Spain - El Puig

Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML

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By IHateProtesters - United States - Hartford

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

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By muzikmaler91 - United States

Today, I called pizza hut to order a pizza. A voice recording was reading me their specials. The man had a horrible country accent so I began to make fun of it. Then I realized it was an actual person on the line. FML

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7487

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By jayc80 - Bermuda

Today, my boss scheduled a staff breakfast at a swanky new restaurant for all the hard work we've been doing. The dining area is on the roof, and the building has no elevator. I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years. When I brought this to my boss's attention, he said it wasn't his problem. FML

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52931

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By CalebNotShomo - United States - Houston

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

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35255

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By BetterThanFake - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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17366

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

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By Elizabeth - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

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35734

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By FML_Elle - United States

Today, I was walking in the freezing rain when a guy asked me if I wanted to share his umbrella with him. I grinned and told him I did. He then noticed a pretty girl walking behind me and he abruptly turned to her and asked her the same question. FML

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Top comments

By lovelyhippos | 15

#7871130 - Tuesday 31 December 2020 18:14

I think I see why he blocked you on everything.....

By leximichelle | 13

#7871147 - Tuesday 31 December 2020 21:19

What a noob. Using your own account to stalk your ex.

COMMENTS

By lovelyhippos | 15

#7871130 - Tuesday 31 December 2020 18:14

I think I see why he blocked you on everything.....

By timinator5000 | 28

#7871138 - Tuesday 31 December 2020 20:10

I'm sure you had a good reason for looking him up....

By leximichelle | 13

#7871147 - Tuesday 31 December 2020 21:19

What a noob. Using your own account to stalk your ex.

By alycion | 38

#7871200 - Wednesday 1 January 2020 7:02

Continuing to look for someone who obviously doesn’t want you in their life is stalking. Unless if there is a legit reason.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7871273 - Wednesday 1 January 2020 13:40

so you post on fml not realizing everyone is going to call you a STALKER

By Amanda G Rich | 23

#7871301 - Wednesday 1 January 2020 18:02

Move on, stalker, and go get help.

By bkwusa | 15

#7871798 - Friday 3 January 2020 17:38

Lucky for you Linkedin only shows you who viewed you if you pay for their premium subscription... Otherwise they only show you that someone viewed you. So it's actually unlikely that he knows it was you.