By Alex - 15/12/2020 13:58

Booty non-call

Today, my girl sent me a naked booty pic, telling me not to be late home. When I got home, she was in dirty old sweatpants, too upset for sex because her celebrity crush died. Not in real life, in one of the TV shows she's watching. FML

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Stomach bug?

Stinky

Nobody wins

By unengaged - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

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By wellgreat - United States

Today, I was in the Student Union when a man a came up to me and asked if I wanted to be in a study to see how men acted differently when working with attractive women. Flattered and taken aback, I agreed. He then told me I would be part of the control group to see how they act around plain looking women. FML

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By ID10t - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

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By Zedscar - United States - Martinsburg

Today, my 8-year-old nephew told me he liked the way I smelt. Apparently I smell like "cat food and cheese." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my mother that it is inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Wrong question

Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked, "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently, I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML

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By single now - United States

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago Ridge

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midlothian

Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML

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By nice one

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By lalalalainie - United States - Fullerton

Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By whatswrongwithit?:( - United States - Chicago

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Technically, that's stealing

Today, I told my mom about the $50 I'd hidden in case of an emergency, and how I couldn't find it. She said she'd borrowed it last week. FML

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By anonymous - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By t-dawg - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By hushed - Canada - Leduc

Everyone's A Critic

Today, I was hushed in a theatre during a play. I would normally appreciate a discreet silencing in the audience, but I was saying my lines. FML

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By reader - 4/12/2020 14:03

Passing

Today, I went to go to an aerobics class. Shen the instructor walked in, she went up to me and told me it was a women only class. I am a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. To my boyfriend. FML

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By wolf boy - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up, too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

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By DrewK - United States - Great Falls

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

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By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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By Toodamnold - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I was once again escorted out of a supermarket by a police officer. I must be the only 83-year-old who still has his marbles, but people always assume I am senile and wandering from a care center. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

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By CanWeAllGetOne - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

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By JoLaFritte - France

Today, thinking that I’m alone at work, I start rummaging through my nose trying to find something interesting. It’s only after about a minute that I notice that my boss is looking straight at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Six flags, friends and I were going to ride "Superman". People lose their phones on it easily, so I asked a friend who decided not to ride to put mine in her bag. When it ended, I learned she went and asked an employee in navy to hold onto it, but couldn't find him. Employees wear yellow. FML

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By talkingtoaretard - United States

Mood: broken

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

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By bonesniffer - United States

Today, I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said 'oh' then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML

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By Rubyscooby212 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

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By lsta - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

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By Narehs - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 08:00

Busted

Today, I felt like cheating on my diet and ordered a pizza. My mom and my sister were napping, so I put in the delivery notes, “Please don’t knock.” The delivery guy knocked anyway. LOUD. My mom and sister got up and saw everything. FML

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By Inthedumps - United States - Jerseyville

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

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By natalyV

Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML

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By LonelyOtter

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the shower and had just finished washing my face. When I put the soap down I noticed a curly, black hair stuck to it. Im blond. The only other person who uses that bathroom is my uncle. I just rubbed my uncle's pubic hair all over my face. FML

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Top comments

By jfigley | 5

#7958127 - Tuesday 15 December 2020 14:22

Is your girl a teenager or a woman? Thats pathetic..... she needs to grow up....

By RichardPencil | 30

#7958156 - Tuesday 15 December 2020 16:20

Just be patient. Your girl sounds like she's crazy.

The crazy ones are the wildest in the sack!

COMMENTS

By jfigley | 5

#7958127 - Tuesday 15 December 2020 14:22

Is your girl a teenager or a woman? Thats pathetic..... she needs to grow up....

By RichardPencil | 30

#7958156 - Tuesday 15 December 2020 16:20

Just be patient. Your girl sounds like she's crazy.

The crazy ones are the wildest in the sack!

Reply

Marcella1016 | 31

#7958157 - Tuesday 15 December 2020 16:30

I can vouch for that hahaha

Well, not 100% of the time. Sometimes the voices can be too distracting.

By Bubbilility | 27

#7958544 - Thursday 17 December 2020 17:45

That must be a really well written show. I know that the Expanse season 1 made me cry. My partner knew it would when he showed me it tho, so he had hot chocolate and a cookie for me. Which was sweet.