Student Me vs Inner Me

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

BO Central

Dangling modifier

A boy can dream

By Anonymous - United States

37220

4373

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

By anonymous - United States

11660

73619

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Farmingdale

40917

9813

Today, I told my mom I've been having sleep issues and asked if she could take me to the doctor. She decided I just need to read the Bible more. Needless to say, I still can't sleep. FML

By david99021 - Turkey - Ankara

30612

2534

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until I noticed why they were empty. I had just sat down next to a guy vigorously trying to fellate himself. FML

By Nightmares - United States

FML Uncensored

32454

8217

Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

By mcadabax - Canada

31189

3876

Today, I asked a random guy at the skate park if he knew anyone who could sell me some weed. Turns out he was a parole officer. FML

By TeenaIs

SK8 OR DIE

467

2788

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Retford

42084

4248

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

By danman - United States

46575

4230

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

By ForgottenKid - United States

35822

2563

Today, my father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep my maiden name when I marry. My fiancé thought it would be "epic". My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb. FML

By MsCobb - United States - Columbus

37281

6131

Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML

By Ketchup - United States

22756

49788

Today, I found out my boyfriend made a move to hook up with my best friend. She was about to reciprocate, only for him to suddenly tell her that she’s a horrible friend, and then he told me about it. I’m not sure if I should be picking sides here. FML

By bruh

2460

182

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

By Lame - United States

45845

6781

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

By "baow" - Sweden

2062

316

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

By SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes - United States

15588

1109

Today, I was traveling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML

By sufia - Pakistan

15238

1152

Today, my boss gave me an "All you need to know about grammar" book. FML

By illiterate - Australia

11191

32925

Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML

By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

40753

4048

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended is the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

By thammer - United States - Green Bay

29620

4739

Today, I tried to get my golden retriever to stand in front of our church for a very short time to illustrate the point of a sermon. When I brought my dog up, he mounted the pastor's leg and began humping him. FML

By sillydoggy - United States

41118

9646

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

By anonymous - United States - West Babylon

40250

7157

Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML

By Anonymous - Ireland - Waterford

33581

4004

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

By sammers27 - United States - Scottsdale

47082

4815

Today, was my sixteenth birthday. I was hoping to get a car. Instead, my parents got me a 3 month membership at the gym so I can lose weight. FML

By not_so_sweet_sixteen - United States

40432

55726

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

By Blonde - Canada - Toronto

31029

6392

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

By bbedlock - Australia

51230

19153

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

By Anonymous

Cheater

2599

206

Today, the guy I've been flirting with for a week, and would be meeting in two days, sent me a message that he wouldn't be able to text me this evening because he'll be on a date. FML

By Anonymous

Take a number

1420

250

Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML

By IcyWinter - Canada - Winnipeg

45543

6479

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

By Anonymous - United States

15451

50850

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

By Mika_Ookami - United States

32996

3242

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly 6 minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

By mommylife - United States - Schaumburg

33710

3934

Today, I got written up because apparently leaning on the counter at work is unprofessional, even if you're about to pass out and the counter is the only thing keeping you on your feet. FML

By kaybear13 - United States - San Mateo

25473

2372

Today, it was my first time having sex with this guy. After a few second he stops, sits in the corner of his room buff-naked, with his knees up and his hands on his face. He then pouts and claims it was his worst performance ever. FML

By crybaby - United States

34543

4120

Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML

By dumbass724 - Canada - Brampton

First day at work

1879

445

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

By Anonymous - United States - West Palm Beach

53680

30485

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

By Brotherssuckkk - France

33087

4788

Today, I got into an argument with my girlfriend over how many sides a triangle has. I actually ended up drawing her a diagram. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

29407

4338