Student Me vs Inner Me

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

Rock, hard place

Live dumping

Abuse

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 22:52 - United States

26882

3945

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

By fmylife. - 29/11/2010 18:02 - Canada

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Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 06:22 - United States

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Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

By comfort_ - 27/3/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

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Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

By no I've never asked for anal - 20/9/2015 13:44 - United States - Buffalo

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Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

By Invisible - 15/6/2017 22:00

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Today, I found that my Facebook account had been hacked, and all my friends were deleted. As I tried to add them all back, Facebook reported me as a hacker for adding too many people too quickly. FML

By gotthewrongman - 17/12/2009 17:49 - United States

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Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 05:43 - United States

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Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

By mattttbob - 4/2/2012 10:16 - Australia

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Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 03:09 - Canada

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Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

By Username - 16/9/2011 16:26 - United States

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Today, I fractured two ribs from coughing. My doctor told me to stop coughing, or I would fracture them more. I have bronchitis. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 00:01 - United States

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Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walks over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar and a note that says "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

By Still No Ring - 15/6/2016 21:49 - United States - Lisbon

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Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

By al - 15/4/2012 03:02 - Canada - Cambridge

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Today, after constantly checking my email for a week, I finally got a letter saying that I was accepted to take a test for a job position. The only problem is I was scheduled to test today, eight hours ago. FML

By level6 - 23/10/2010 22:11 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 16:19 - United States - Memphis

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Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

By Redsnation - 8/8/2017 05:02

Rage Quit

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490

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's will. I didn't expect to receive anything, since his side of the family had always ostracized me for being born out of wedlock. I did get something: $3,500, on the binding condition that I use a portion of it to get a vasectomy. FML

By grandson of a p.o.s. - 14/3/2013 22:04 - United States - Somers

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Today, I got stumped by a childproof door. Twice. FML

By mr_flarpin - 22/8/2012 00:37 - United States - Stoneham

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Today, I tried to work on my attitude at work. People say I'm mean, so I tried to be nice all day. Apparently I'm now condescending. FML

By Frustrated - 25/5/2015 17:42 - United States

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Today, after 3 months of quarantine being totally broke, I was finally glad to get back to work. I found out that they no longer need me because "there's no money" to pay me. As I was leaving, I saw freshly renovated rooms, a huge new plasma, and a crowd of workers busy expanding the summer terrace. FML

By anuszopekanus - 14/6/2020 14:02

No money, though

1573

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

By painedandpissed - 10/8/2014 16:42 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

By Poordaughter5 - 6/7/2016 17:21 - Germany

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Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

By bottombarrel - 28/10/2014 14:07 - United States - Greenville

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Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

By vaylosa - 22/2/2015 20:36

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Today, my dad was in town for 1 day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dads slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. we talked for 15 minutes. FML

By MacBook - 14/5/2009 19:43 - United States

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Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

By sarahh38 - 16/9/2009 18:23 - Canada

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Today, I realized I've been hit in the balls more in the past two years than the rest of my life. Why? My dog is always happy to see me and his tail is just the right height. FML

By Random dog owner - 28/1/2017 22:00

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Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

By T___T - 12/9/2015 01:54 - United States - Cleveland

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Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML

By miss cranky pants - 30/10/2010 05:03 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2017 11:59 - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

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Today, I asked a woman to take a picture of me and my girlfriend kissing on the beach. When I looked up, the woman and my phone were gone. FML

By Tyguy3000 - 19/6/2017 06:00 - United States

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Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML

By outagrand - 1/8/2009 14:08 - Australia

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Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 21:40 - United States

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Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "what birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

By Anonymous - 15/5/2012 14:13 - United States

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Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 20:49 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, someone told me they liked my personality when i'm drunk. I asked, "what about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

By the-yao - 24/1/2009 14:53 - United States

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Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

By - 8/3/2020 20:17

Right in the kisser

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Today, I paid $50 on a haircut. Halfway through, I realized the hair dresser was drunk. FML

By Alyssa - 21/3/2012 01:33 - Canada - Toronto

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