Love and Intimacy: Today, at my job as a police officer, I had to arrest my own... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 355

You deserved it 45

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 138

28/03/2017 15:00

Today, at my job as a police officer, I had to arrest my own girlfriend for having sex at Walmart. She tried to get me to let her out on the grounds of being "pretty" and dating me. She wants to continue the relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 108

You deserved it 545

Taking stock

No data for you

Trashy

25/05/2012 17:56

Today, I replaced my car's windscreen wipers, after someone stole the last pair. After I finished, I went indoors for a drink. When I returned, the new ones had been stolen too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 511

You deserved it 2 223

21/11/2015 21:12

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 661

You deserved it 2 768

Professional

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 17:01

Spicy

Today, I sent an email to a private escort, only to later realise that I sent it off my work email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 1 579

13/06/2019 07:00

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 726

You deserved it 106

20/08/2011 19:40

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 233

You deserved it 5 610

Well Well Well

By no good deed... etc - 16/10/2017 04:30

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 874

You deserved it 377

10/02/2012 21:07

Today, my mother used global warming as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 082

You deserved it 2 732

11/06/2018 17:39

Today, I’m pet-sitting for my parents while they’re on vacation. So far, one cat has projectile vomited all over the living room, and another has pooped in their bed. Twice. My parents were not concerned when I called, and said this is normal behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 758

You deserved it 284

06/08/2011 05:53

Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 552

You deserved it 3 806

02/04/2015 18:47

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 515

You deserved it 2 114

Gene Simmons approves this FML

By Anonymous - This fml is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 414

You deserved it 12 161

05/01/2010 05:00

Today, I overheard my parents discussing whether or not they could trust me being alone in the house for 2 days. They then came to the decision that I'm too unpopular and unattractive to ever throw a wild party or get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 597

You deserved it 3 253

12/04/2009 02:51

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 730

You deserved it 5 081

22/10/2013 14:24

Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 550

You deserved it 3 196

30/12/2011 17:27

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 023

You deserved it 3 055

04/07/2011 09:11

Today, I found out that the 2 loud "firework booms" I heard were actually a guy shooting his dog on the unfinished road behind my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 489

You deserved it 3 036

09/11/2014 13:31

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend asked me out is because he thought I "looked like a girl who'd be into anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 011

You deserved it 4 380

29/04/2009 23:12

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 492

You deserved it 79 225

Not like that

By anonymous - 26/05/2013 12:23

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 978

You deserved it 8 817

26/09/2016 21:52

Today, my dad grounded me for not having any friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 302

You deserved it 1 129

17/04/2017 06:00

Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 985

You deserved it 448

24/11/2011 16:06

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 908

You deserved it 9 990

07/07/2011 23:07

Today, my mother resolved to never visit McDonald's again. Not because of ethics or health concerns, but because they charged her for extra barbecue sauce. She bitched out the man in the drive-through for a good five minutes, while I sat awkwardly in the passenger's seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 344

You deserved it 3 272

02/07/2017 22:00

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coatrack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 051

You deserved it 1 065

You went too far

By Dia - 02/05/2021 05:01

Today, I tried to prank my brother with the butter floor prank after coming back from work. As a result, my brother stepped out of ER with an arm cast, stitches on his head and a neck collar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140

You deserved it 1 966

Awwww, how sweet!

By Justin - 25/07/2020 20:00

Today, after having a 3-day vacation and feeling a bit bummed that it was over, I got home to find a black widow watching her babies hatch in my office window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 332

You deserved it 108

05/07/2011 05:34

Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm, my boss showed up. After telling him how the day went, he asked why I was still there. Apparently, for the holiday, we close early. 4 hours earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 502

You deserved it 7 465

15/02/2011 06:25

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 674

You deserved it 36 347

09/09/2009 22:53

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 597

You deserved it 8 771

20/10/2009 10:56

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 136

You deserved it 6 113

14/03/2014 03:36

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 427

You deserved it 8 143

Sail on sailor

By Anonymous - 18/05/2021 03:30

Today, I have scurvy. I only found out because Facebook randomly showed me a 3-year-old video on why scurvy shouldn't even be a thing, and I thought I don't get much vitamin C, I should check this out. So I have late stage symptoms, and was in the process of slowly dying from what I thought was fibromyalgia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 282

24/09/2009 02:47

Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me to say he is in San Francisco and is coming to see me. After scrambling to get ready, he calls me back to say he doesn't recognize the train station. After searching on Google Maps, it becomes clear he's drunk at Oktoberfest. In Germany. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 146

You deserved it 3 251

28/07/2011 08:15

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 953

You deserved it 56 653

Braggadocio

By snowwhite - 28/10/2013 04:51

Spicy

Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of, "how hard he gave it to me last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 534

You deserved it 10 092

25/03/2009 01:20

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 828

You deserved it 12 087

31/05/2013 02:35

Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 025

You deserved it 3 286

24/01/2011 00:22

Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 384

You deserved it 5 378

15/08/2018 03:30

Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 873

You deserved it 192

25/07/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 420

You deserved it 308

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Top comments

Stealthninjaa 19

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Tuesday 28 March 2017 22:08

Safe to say that she's not a keeper...

ApparentlyNotEno 28

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Tuesday 28 March 2017 22:07

Shite way to find out, OP... but at least you found out. No leniency for that one - book her and run for the hills!

Comments

ApparentlyNotEno 28

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Tuesday 28 March 2017 22:07

Shite way to find out, OP... but at least you found out. No leniency for that one - book her and run for the hills!

readingrachel 9

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Tuesday 28 March 2017 22:08

That's rough buddy

Stealthninjaa 19

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Tuesday 28 March 2017 22:08

Safe to say that she's not a keeper...

Fucc_Logic_4evah 13

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Tuesday 28 March 2017 22:09

I mean if you take her back, you won't have the respect of me, one random stranger on the internet! THINK ABOUT IT, OP!? HOW WOULD YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?! Without my respect, I mean.

ACCOUNTKILLER 18

Thursday 30 March 2017 3:10

If he takes her back SHE'LL respect him even less.

mcruff 12

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Tuesday 28 March 2017 22:24

This is one of those situations where I'm like "okay, the police aren't that bad"

Turtleizer567 1

Tuesday 28 March 2017 23:12

Yikes! Sorry buddy :( No shortage of crazies out there. Unfortunately you don't usually find out you got one until something like this happens. Hopefully you didn't have too much time invested. Either way, I guess it's a good thing you found out now vs. some years (/a mortgage/marriage/kids/etc.) down the road. Keep your chin up op!

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Wednesday 29 March 2017 8:27

She's not crazy, she's just an almighty dickhead and a moron

interesting33 36

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Tuesday 28 March 2017 23:23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Namenlos_fml 20

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Wednesday 29 March 2017 1:07

There are worse ways to find out she was cheating. If she tries to manipulate her and your friends into being on her side because you dumped your ass, you just show them the arrest record.

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Wednesday 29 March 2017 13:28

I don't know about that. It was a pretty shit way to find out.

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Wednesday 29 March 2017 1:26

Harsh! She's cheating on you, tried to get you in trouble with your job . . . Why would you not want to keep with her? That Uber sucks, bro!

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Wednesday 29 March 2017 2:09

Hope you arrested her lol

C8H18 33

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Wednesday 29 March 2017 5:18

The very first sentence says he did....