Nearly FMLs

By JemmaMorgan - 16/01/2016 23:40 - United Kingdom - Perth

Today, I was chatting to a guy online and he straight up demanded that he be the next guy to knock me up, despite me only having given birth 12 hours ago. He then went on to say that I couldn't even stop him from doing it because my body type doesn't exactly scream MMA Champion. What the hell?! FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 23:34 - United States - Cranford

Today, I was talking to a young girl in a store. A random lady walked up, told the girl to find her mom and told her to not talk to strangers as they walked away, while shooting me a dirty look. I almost got banned from the store. I intern at the girl's school and teach in her class. FML

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By UnmanagableIntestineSpaghetti - 16/01/2016 23:33 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my doctor said "You're unhealthy because you're apathetic" and that I'd be just fine if I didn't worry. I have cerebral palsy and epilepsy, I've been in horrendous pain every second of my life since I was a born but I'm quite optimistic for someone whose body is tearing itself apart. FML

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By madisyn123 - 16/01/2016 23:31 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was in a public restroom and I open a pad and the little girl on the stall next to me was like "why does she has a snack?" FML

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By Fillie - 16/01/2016 23:15 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I covered my mouth to cough, I then promptly vomited all over my hand and my lap. FML

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By guitarfan - 16/01/2016 23:06 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, as I'm about to settle down to sleep after a long day at work, my dad decides that 11pm is the ideal time to test out his very loud, very annoying new guitar amp in the room directly below me. FML

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By Golxen - 16/01/2016 22:59 - United States - Bossier City

Today, my parents hired some people to do work on our roof. It sounds like a war field everywhere I go. And do you know what the best part is? I have the only room upstairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 22:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally gained enough courage to ask out my crush... As i was walking up to ask her, Another boy had the same idea and walked up to her and asked her out... She said yes. FML

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By AllInTheFamily - 16/01/2016 22:41

Today, I found out who the father of my sister's unborn child is. My husband. FML.

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By IngenuityAbsent - 16/01/2016 22:39 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I'm so deep in the friendzone, my crush calls me everynight to tell me about the sexual moves her boyfriend uses on her and how she can improve on her own. FML.

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By Leauge - 16/01/2016 22:39 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I walked in on my dad having sex with my girlfriend.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By thewholehousesmellslikepuke - 16/01/2016 22:33 - Austria - Vienna

Today, it seems that my upstairs neighbours got drunk and threw up on the stairs leading up to their door. Liquid puke is running down the freshly-painted walls of the staircase all the way down to the second floor as I'm typing this. FML

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By Whatthehellmother - 16/01/2016 22:13 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my very young cousin was hitting my mother. My mother then bent over and told him to hit her ass instead. FML

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You deserved it 0

By jelrid - 16/01/2016 22:13 - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I was laughing to myself about how my dad had told me to be extra careful on the icy back roads. Less than a minute later, I spun his pickup into the ditch. FML

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By twistedsister87 - 16/01/2016 22:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to ask my best friend of 11 years on a date and confess my love to him. On the date, he announced that he's engaged. FML

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By my vagina is burning - 16/01/2016 22:10 - United Kingdom - Durham

Today, as I was getting ready to get in the shower, my cat decided to viciously attack the tampon string hanging from my vagina. She missed the string. FML.

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By anon - 16/01/2016 22:08 - United States

Today, me and my 60 year old grandma went to Walmart to get pictures off my phone printed, little did I know, me and my boyfriends nudes were the first pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 21:59 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today I was doing online scratch cards for the lottery and had a lucky streak and won £30 went to withdraw it into my bank account and realised I put one number wrong. Sent it to some lucky randomer. FML.

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By jelrid - 16/01/2016 21:57 - United States

Today, my coworker was helping me negotiate a raise at work, when my boss seriously mentioned a figure a dollar an hour higher than my coworker, who then stated: "are you REALLY sure he's worth that much?" My boss apparently wasn't, FML

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By onyinye - 16/01/2016 21:36 - Germany - Neum?nster

Today, someone commented on my recent weight loss. I was surprised 'cause I didn't think it was all that noticeable, so I asked my boyfriend if I really looked that different. He said "yeah, you look stressed and sick. But don't worry, you will gain it all back". Thanks for the support. FML

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By donaldthegrump - 16/01/2016 21:21 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, in theatre class I was required to act wearing a mask. I had an anxiety attack while in character and nearly suffocated due to my hyperventilation and the lack of breathing holes. When I took it off I was visibly shaken and instead of helping me, my teacher laughed his ass off. FML

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By mythemeisred - 16/01/2016 20:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally splurged and bought the free-trade soap I've heard so much about. The bath was glorious, until I got out and looked in the mirror. My naturally silver hair is vivid green after picking up the dye, and I get married tomorrow. FML

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By WittyMoron - 16/01/2016 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my best mate turned up at my house uninvited, interrupted my cooking, asked what the "fancy spice pot" was and emptied my mother's ashes into the cheese sauce I was making. FML.

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By doormat - 16/01/2016 20:46 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I agreed to cover for someone's shift this morning even though I had to come in early to be trained in that department. Little did I know my cousin who I covered for was needing off because a very close friend was getting married. I wasn't invited so that she could go. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 20:39 - United States - Casper

Today I signed paperwork so my ex-wife could get a new car. Mine is twenty years old and I'm wondering how I'm going to pay my rent. FML

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By kristincybulski - 16/01/2016 20:26 - United States

Today, working at McDonald's, I was told that I'd be assigned to the drive-thru window. First customers were teenagers who decided to throw a milkshake at me after I had handed it to them. My manager thought it was "the funniest thing he's ever seen" and I had to finish my shift with dirty uniform.

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By Kitteh8601 - 16/01/2016 20:13 - United States - Wilmington

One of my male friends was coming over to my house and i forgot about it so he came over while i was sleeping and my dad told him he could go wake me up. He walked into my room and screamed. I jolted awake and realized i wasnt wearing a shirt. FML

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By PissPants - 16/01/2016 20:01 - United States - Dalhart

Today I pissed myself at work because the last customer I was with wouldn't excuse me to use the ladies room. She wanted her Frappuccino half off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By weddingcrazies - 16/01/2016 19:56 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I realized my husband caresses his truck more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 322

You deserved it 883

By kimullings - 16/01/2016 19:52 - Canada - Bolton

Today, I was cold, so I was cuddling with my boyfriend on the couch. His solution to warming me up was to wear his boxers that he had been wearing 4 seconds prior, on my head as a hat. FML

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FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my boss found out I had applied for a much better paying job. He told me I'd do a better job and make more money there. Then he fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 705

You deserved it 2 340

Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 283

Today, for some reason, I suddenly started having convulsions all over my body. It lasted until my cat showed up and purred his heart out on my chest until it stopped. He then immediately demanded that I feed him. Apparently, according to my cat, my only reason for existing is to feed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 273

Today, I reached a limit I wasn’t aware I had when I had to tell my husband we’re not having shower sex anymore because he’s gotten so big since he retired, we don’t both comfortably fit in there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 49

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 884

You deserved it 5 025

Today, I was told it was “disgusting” that we charged $1.75 for 2 donuts instead of 3 for the same price. I had to throw them out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 622

You deserved it 97