Nearly FMLs

By telephonoooooo - 17/01/2016 02:54 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was on the phone with my dad for the first time in years. I was going on and on when I suddenly had to pee. Without warning I started peeing, everywhere. Dripping with pee I finished up my conversation. And then another wave. I didn't know my bladder could hold that much. FML.

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By NickACD - 17/01/2016 02:31 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my runt of a boxer woke me up by humping me. I'm still wondering how she opened my closed door. FML

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By andreimona - 17/01/2016 02:24 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, after spending the WHOLE entire day with my boyfriend, he bitched nonstop over text when I came home saying I didn't spend enough time with him, FML.

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By Itsazooinhere - 17/01/2016 02:20 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I had a 'woodland creature' moment that Disney himself would be proud of when a singing bird flew over my head, and then an adorable little field mouse scampered merrily across my path. It was charming. Too bad I was shopping inside of a BJ's at the time, with a full cart of groceries. FML.

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By Skywrath Warrior - 17/01/2016 02:10 - United States - New York

Today, I fell victim for a flash prank at school when the derpy girl in our batch declared herself as my girlfriend. Everyone applauded at congratulated me, including my real girlfriend who is apparently on it too. Looks like I may have a new date for the upcoming Valentine's Day school dance. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 02:09 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while attending marriage counselling with my husband, the counselor proceeded to rub my husband's back while we were leaving, and winked at him. FML

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By Awkward_Turtle69 - 17/01/2016 02:04 - United States

Today, after over 70 hours of flight training, multiple tests, countless hours of studying...i was told ill never be able to fly because of an incurable retinal disease, time for a new profession choice. FML

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By kpohl - 17/01/2016 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was minding my own business at my schools wrestling tournament when I turned and saw a really cute guy. Instead of going to talk to him I froze up causing me to drop and shatter my phone. He looked over and laughed. FML

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By depressed - 17/01/2016 01:53 - United States - Austin

Today, I finally admitted to my mother that I have depression, and have suicidal thoughts. Her response? Telling me that I'm just "choosing" to be sad. And that I should just be happy instead. FML.

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By itswhatever - 17/01/2016 01:44 - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for not wanting to have sex. I have a UTI and have been peeing blood.

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By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 01:43 - United States - New York

Today, my nosey neighbor called the cops on me, because I had "my man-whore" put up a show in his short-shorts in my front yard again. He's a well-built 17 year old who lives down the street, who volunteers to some yard work for exercise, tanning and grass for his sister's rabbits. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 01:39 - United States - Chambersburg

Today, as I finished walking my dog, I saw that my other dog had shit and pissed all over the floor in the 5 minutes I'd been gone. He did it again 2 hours later. FML.

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By xSpodermanx - 17/01/2016 01:26 - United States

Today, I tried to turn in a project. my partner and I had worked every night, for 2 weeks. Turns out the assignment was cancelled the day before it was due. FML

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By Dynamite73 - 17/01/2016 01:02 - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I bought a gun due to the recent robberies in my area. My extremely liberal mother found out and called the police because she thinks I'm going to shoot her. Please, I'd rather shoot myself right now. FML

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By Fun - 17/01/2016 01:02 - United States - Tomball

Today, me and my girlfriend had a date planned out, but my dad decided to go shopping with me instead. I was forced to cancel the date which resulted me as single. FML

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By Angry Black Guy with a Big Dick and a Bald Head - 17/01/2016 01:01 - United Kingdom - Fareham

Today, (Yes, I'm black) at work I was serving a guy who was either drunk, stoned or had a serious death wish, because he called me "boy" three times when I asked him to respect other customers by lowering his voice. Then he threatened to have my "owner" give me a good whipping. OH, HELL NO. FML

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By ditched - 17/01/2016 00:54 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I found out that my best friend isn't talking to me because she thinks I ditched on New Years. That night her husband surprised her with a tropical vacation and implied I should leave. I can't even tell her because he's already done such a good job making me look like a douche. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - 17/01/2016 00:51 - Canada

Today, my bored girlfriend tried to wake me up and I told her "fifteen more minutes". Now, whenever I tell her to do something, she says "in fifteen minutes". FML

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By Etweens96 - 17/01/2016 00:51 - United States - Mahwah

Today, My dad discovered Psy's music and how to work YouTube on his phone. He has gangam style blasting off his phone for the past three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 00:44 - United Kingdom - Sunderland

Today, my business teacher told me that the job description I had to write for an assignment was completely wrong. I used the example piece given to us that the school uses, which she also writes. When I called her on this fact I got a detention for "Being rude". FML

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By TheMike23 - 17/01/2016 00:43 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went to a new gym for the first time to see a personal trainer. He looked as if he benches two fully loaded school buses everyday. He told me that we were going to do his daily routine "to start". Three days later, I still can't bend, move, or feel anything but pain with my arms. FML.

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By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 00:43 - Australia - Burwood

Today, and everyday for the next six weeks I have to eat gluten to get tested for Celiac. I haven't eaten gluten in two months. Second day in and I'm in constant pain and my bowels haven't had a solid movement since. Only 5 weeks and 5 days to go. FML.

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By kelizsaiz - 17/01/2016 00:41 - United States - Lubbock

Today, my oldest son messaged me "Mom, I'm going skydiving, if I die you'll find out later". It's been 8 hours... FML.

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By trucklover7 - 17/01/2016 00:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today,I was at home, when I heard a moan. I walked in on my thirteen year old son masturbating to one of his female Lego characters. Who even does that? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 00:31 - United Kingdom - Sunderland

Today, my mother in law recommended her daughter break up with me because I explained to her that the odds of winning a lottery jackpot were minuscule. She firmly believes there is no difference between winning a local radio competition for concert tickets and the national lottery. FML

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By JusstJef - 17/01/2016 00:23

Today, my girlfriend went on the 21 day diet. Guess who else can't eat dairy, salt, caffeine, red meat, pizza, or anything that else that has any taste whatsoever? FML

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By UltimateFriendzone - 17/01/2016 00:22 - United States - Richmond

Today, I confronted my friend (whom I secretly love) about how she kissed me behind the school the other day. I thought she was embarrassed, so I was about to tell her I felt the same way. But before I could speak she said, "Don't worry, I just wanted to know how it felt. We're still friends!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 00:19 - United Kingdom - Sunderland

Today, my media group had to change shooting locations because one of our members claimed to "know everyone in the media business locally" and "had connections". Turns out the company we requested to shoot have never heard of him or ever been contacted by him about shooting there. FML

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By singlegamer - 17/01/2016 00:08 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, my girlfriend challenged me to a game of FIFA 16 and said if she beat me she could look through my phone. I didn't take any chances and won 82-0. She then broke up with me because "I didn't teach her the controls." She has a YouTube channel where she plays 17 games. Including FIFA. FML

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By vanaathiel - 16/01/2016 23:42

Today, my husband was in our only bathroom when I felt explosive diarrhea on its way. I had no choice but to rush to our cats litterbox. The only thing in the room to wipe with was my favourite shirt. The whole time my entire family was downstairs visiting. FML.

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, the girl I've been hitting on for months on MSN and that I'm about to meet told me "I know you are in love, and you know I'm not". Erm, no, I didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 025

You deserved it 5 163

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 023

You deserved it 7 021

Today, at work, someone peed in the fitting room, after I told her she could not use the employee toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 524

You deserved it 3 202

Today, I told my almost 18 year-old that she couldn’t go to a school event because I needed her to watch her younger siblings so I could go out with my sisters. She scoffed, “You have four baby daddies and not one can babysit?” and then went to the event anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 1 331

Today, as my stalker was finally led away in handcuffs, my auntie asked if maybe I was being a bit harsh having him arrested, and maybe I should give him a second chance because he seemed like "a sweet man", and "it’s not like I have any other men lining up to date me." FML

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You deserved it 103

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 220