Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 21:49 - United Kingdom - Bridgwater

Today, whilst scooping up my dogs mess, he turned around and managed to slap me in the face with a raw chicken thigh. Thanks friend, thanks very much. FML

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By anyoldnamewilldo - 25/01/2016 21:46 - United States - Stow

Today. after weeks of looking for just the right one and working out financing, we bought the perfect truck. Three hours later it went from perfect to totaled when we were hit by an uninsured driver. FML

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By Jockey - 25/01/2016 21:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, my realtor scheduled an open house. I forgot I left a riding crop out on the bed. I don't expect they'll assume I ride horses. FML

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You deserved it 0

By takara98 - 25/01/2016 21:36 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after having felt ill all week, I took a violent shit. When I was finished I felt much better. I stood up and promptly dropped my glasses into the toilet. I wound up having to fish them out for the next 10 minutes, because insurance only pays for one pair a year. FML

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By BamaBorn - 25/01/2016 21:35

Today, I had to drive my Mom's minivan to school because of a car wreck I had been involved in. My friends have named it the "pussywagon." I have to drive this for the next few weeks. FML

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By whatisshethinking - 25/01/2016 21:23 - United States - Tualatin

Today, my spinster sister announced she was getting married to the guy she just met and started dating three days earlier. When we told her that sounded a bit fast, she accused us of not supporting her. Yay love! FML

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By Knight - 25/01/2016 21:07 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of over two years lied to me every day when she said she loved me, just so she could have a place to live. She used me to further herself in life, until her secret boyfriend could move up here so that they could now live together. Never saw it coming. FML

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By Mewsmash - 25/01/2016 20:52 - United States - Detroit

Today, my cat is in my isolated bathroom, as it recently had surgery. My mother offered to help clean up. By cleaning, she meant sitting on the floor, complaining about my cleaning skills, and talking to the cat, while I dug cat litter out of tiles with my fingernails. FML

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By thefaekitten - 25/01/2016 20:51 - United States - Akron

Today, I went into the girl's bathroom at my school. When I went into the stall, I found a used pad stuck to the wall. FML

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By meanpie - 25/01/2016 20:38 - United States

Today, my older brother made pasta and tricked me into eating his booger collection. He's been saving them since he was 8...he just turned 43. I gag just thinking about how he pointed out a big hairy one as I was almost finished. FML

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By SkillUpSkillet - 25/01/2016 20:28 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, much like the last six weeks, I woke up and struggled with the decision to get up for work or check into a psych ward. No job should ever cause this much stress and anxiety. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 20:26 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, a woman interrupted my date by calling me a "Cheating arsehole" and dumping water over me. The woman in question was my brothers girlfriend. We're twins. And no, this isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By moosemay - 25/01/2016 20:23 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I accompanied my elderly professor to a conference. On the train ride there he tried to set me up with the stranger sitting next to me by repeatedly suggesting him to buy me a drink. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 20:13 - Germany

Today I found out my new boyfriend thinks that I can't have period if I'm on pills. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 20:11 - United States - Lodi

Today, i told my boyfriend that if he refuses to come to my house to spend time with me here (as i always go to see him instead) that we were breaking up. I havent seen him in a week now, and he would rather be lazy than come see his fiance. FML

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By DesolateHero - 25/01/2016 19:57 - United States - Lost Creek

Today, I learned the real reason my wife wanted me to work late wasn't because we need extra money, but because she wanted to screw my brother.

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By hamiltonma - 25/01/2016 19:43 - United States - Boone

Today, we are experiencing a huge snow storm. My manager insisted that I still come to work, even though the town is empty and the roads are dangerous. I am now snowed in, and get to spend the night at the shop. At least we have a couch in the back. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 19:34 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today I had to shove tooth paste into my boyfriends mouth cause he wouldn't brush his teeth and his breath stunk.... He didn't talk to me the rest of the day .... He's 18 FML

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By OutofSight - 25/01/2016 19:30 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, a month after getting brand new frames for my lenses, I came home to find that my dog has casual chewed them down to the wire. FML

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By chaylea - 25/01/2016 19:29 - United States - Ashburn

Today, while going out to shovel snow, I discovered that my only shovel has been stolen. I don't have the money for a new one and all my neighbors refuse to let me borrow theirs. FML

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By Kill me - 25/01/2016 19:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I decided to eat lunch in the school library while I worked on an essay. Minutes into the period, a boy comes to sit at the computer next to mine. All was well until he started looking up videos of people popping their pimples, blisters, and infections. While I ate. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Vampirad7 - 25/01/2016 19:12 - United States - Skokie

Today, I was petting my new kitten. He was purring and enjoying the love, rolling around, and he looked so happy. The next second he attacked my hand and wouldn't let go! Once I got myself free he attacked my feet and anything that was exposed. Now I don't feel safe in my own bed. FML

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By unfit fatass - 25/01/2016 19:06 - United States - Houston

Today, I went to the park by myself and decided to climb up the mount. Being overweight the climb made me wheezy but the view was worth it. As I wanted to capture the view I realized I forgot my phone in the car. My hubby doesn't believe I did so much exercise and thinks it's a dream I had. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 19:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I started my period. Too bad I never stopped bleeding from my last one. FML

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By Zane_bamf - 25/01/2016 19:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview with the local sheriff's department. I was so nervous that in the parking lot, I put it in drive instead of reverse.. hit a sheriff's patrol car.. I'm not so sure I'm getting this job. FML

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You deserved it 0

By ScrewBogota - 25/01/2016 19:00 - Germany - M?nster

Today, I was mugged while traveling abroad. The good news, they only stole $100 cash, the bad news is that they also took my passport and I am now stuck here for 3 days. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 18:57 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I told the guy I've liked for 4 years that I like him. We then continued to talk about the girl he likes. FML.

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By onlytriedtohelp - 25/01/2016 18:55 - United States - Charleston

Today I held a door open for a woman today walking out behind me. She responded angrily, "I have arms!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ridog - 25/01/2016 18:41 - United States - Tooele

Today, I had the feeling I should wake up, remembering I had to be to work at 6AM. I woke up thinking I was late and hurried and got ready as fast as I could. I am in panic mode trying to find my other shoe when I look at the clock. It's 1:30AM...FML

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You deserved it 0

By StuckAtWork - 25/01/2016 18:40 - Canada

Today, I found out I keep getting turned down for a transfer because my boss keeps giving me lousy references. I confronted the boss, and she says it's because I'm her best worker and she doesn't want to lose me. FML

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The Top

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 791

You deserved it 3 574

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 432

You deserved it 6 102

Today, I was at the beach with my friend on vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 006

You deserved it 9 437

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 484

You deserved it 32 866

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 119

You deserved it 3 927

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 779

You deserved it 4 395