Nearly FMLs

By j-j-Jared - 01/02/2016 18:02 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I left for work. I forgot that my cleaning people were coming over so I didn't leave a key under the Matt. When I got home I realized they stole everything in my safe as well as one of the Windows. I had $50,000 dollars in my safe and over 20 gold coins. They won't return any calls. FML

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By alan - 01/02/2016 18:01 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my best friend was cheating. I would understand, her boyfriend was a trouble, but its not ok when she cheats with my boy friend. FML

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By crownedcrazy - 01/02/2016 17:59 - United States - Little Neck

Today, I found out my friends didn't invite me to the last group get together because one of my guy friend's gf made a fuss about feeling uncomfortable with our friendship. FML

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By PhuckPhysics - 01/02/2016 17:53 - United States - Boston

Today, I was informed that I would not pass my Physics class if I did not implement the changes in my final project my professor told me to do last week. This is the first time I've heard about any changes. FML.

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By Bugg27 - 01/02/2016 17:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a canker sore from biting my cheek while eating. Every time I've eaten today I've somehow managed to bite the same spot. FML

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By checkthedate - 01/02/2016 17:39 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was very excited to go to see the Alice's Restaurant 50th anniversary concert in my home city, since this might be my only chance to ever see Arlo Guthrie live. Or rather, this would have been my only chance, if the website hadn't wrongly given me tickets for yesterday. FML

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By geethanks - 01/02/2016 17:30 - United States - Irving

Today, I found out my bank account was frozen a week ago with no warning or notice. My auto insurance payment failed to go through yesterday, making my policy as good as toilet paper. Not wanting to drive uninsured, I called my boss to explain. He decided to fire me for not coming in. FML

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By LittleGina - 01/02/2016 17:00 - United States - Roxboro

Today, I locked myself out of my house, along with my phone. I had to walk 20 minutes to my boyfriend's work to get his keys, all while doing this in my two-day-old pajamas. FML

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By fishyfishy12 - 01/02/2016 16:45 - United States - Biloxi

Today, my boyfriend has been farting all day because it "itches his asshole for him". It's so loud and noxious, it scared my cat so bad that she farted. FML

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By tee - 01/02/2016 16:40 - United States - Smithville

Today, I always thought my married, pervy, always sleeping in his office coworker who is 15 years my senior, was always joking when he asked if I'd run away with him to a new life in a topical location. No, totally serious.FML

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By MEL - 01/02/2016 16:23 - United States - Kansas City

Today, one of my jobs is to listen to customer complaints & assure them their issues will be passed along to my superiors. When I gave my boss the most recent batch, she looked me in the eye, dropped them in the trash & said, "All taken care of."FML

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By sockmonkey - 01/02/2016 16:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my dad's sock drawer to borrow a pair for skiing. I found his viagra instead. FML.

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By Anonymous - 01/02/2016 16:19 - United Kingdom - Carlisle

Today, I was the only person a family could find to babysit their daughter. The girl was a little tyke and bit me a lot, drawing blood every time. I don't want to quit because her parents are really nice and desperately need a babysitter.FML

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By AChemistryStudent - 01/02/2016 16:06 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today I found out that I flunked a course wich has compulsory labs because I had missed my first lab. It was announced by mail. A mail to a my new school email address of which i had no idea (they forgot to notify me). I only found out because i recieved an apology on my personal mail. FML

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By lucwheel987 - 01/02/2016 16:04 - South Africa

Today, I told my best friend on 4 years that I loved him. His response? he walked away and hasn't said anything to me since. FML.

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By tee - 01/02/2016 15:58 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I took a shower, put on make up, did my hair & put on a nice outfit just to put the trash & recycling on the curb - it's the only motivation I have to look nice.FML

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By ulen7 - 01/02/2016 15:56 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, a cleaner was speaking in her native Language at the office I work at, curious I translated some obvious words, she was talking about how fat lazy and ugly I was FML

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By LittleGina - 01/02/2016 15:25 - United States - Roxboro

Today, I was at a stoplight with my window rolled down. An elderly lady turned on her weedwacker very close to my car. It sounded like a bee flew into my car, so I screamed in terror resulting in the elderly lady dropping her weedwacker and almost having a heart attack. FML

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By imabat - 01/02/2016 15:16 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I thought my car door was frozen shut, so I tried to pry it open. Turned out it was just locked the whole time. FML

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By a guy being force chocked by kylo ren - 01/02/2016 15:04 - Australia - Caboolture

Today, I had a nightmare that scared me so much that I had an asthma attack in my sleep, I woke up halfway through. FML.

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By Anonymous - 01/02/2016 14:56 - United States - Plainfield

Today, I went to an old lady's house to install her cable internet. She asked me to connect her computer because she didn't know how. I logged on and PornHub was on the screen. She blamed me for watching porn on her computer. FML

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By LethargicRebel - 01/02/2016 14:29 - United States - Garden City

Today, I went out airsofting with friends as I usually do. This time I bought some sound grenades called thunderbee's which are legal for indoors. Well eager me decided to use them and I somehow manage to throw it right next to a Vet with PTSD. One violent episode later my right eye is now shut. FML

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You deserved it 1

By SamMu - 01/02/2016 14:19 - United States - White Plains

Today, I saw a post on here about an employee who had to clean up a mess made by a customer. Thinking back on it, I'm pretty sure I was the customer. FML

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By iMusicTheoy - 01/02/2016 14:07 - United States - Saraland

Today, I was pulled over at gun point by state troopers. I was confused but complied. An hour later they said they got a 911 call about a man in a green car shooting a gun through the sun roof.... I drive a white Mitsubishi... FML

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By JusstJef - 01/02/2016 14:07 - United States - Detroit

Today, I got my 7 year old son a haircut, a high & tight. I sent a picture of it to my ex-wife. She called it a white trash haircut and threatened to take me to court. This is the same woman who has been to jail 3 times, & lost full custody of our son to me from a DUI driving with our son. FML

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By RiRi21 - 01/02/2016 13:50 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, after picking out my wedding dress I asked my mother if she wanted to see is. she snobbily said, "Why would I want to see that?" she has no interest in my wedding at all. FML

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By ohmyback - 01/02/2016 13:47 - United States

Today, I decided to work out so my back would quit going out. As I put the weights away after my workout, my back went out. FML

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By ugh - 01/02/2016 13:42 - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend finally convinced me to take off my bra during foreplay. Not but three minutes later his mom walks in on him sucking on my breasts. FML

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By soberedup - 01/02/2016 13:41 - Australia - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend and I got pretty drunk at a house party. Getting hot for eachother, we decided to have a quickie in his car. To start, I began giving him head, and suddenly he opened the car door to violently throw up. But don't worry, he said I could keep going while doing so. Pleasant. FML

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By izazbouletz - 01/02/2016 13:39 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, I went to get a coffee with a colleague. As I was ordering, I noticed a strange smell. I guess she noticed it too because she said it smelled "like Black people". FML

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The Top

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 873

You deserved it 2 527

Today, my bra burst apart in the middle of class. I then had the privilege of asking my male teacher if I could borrow his stapler to put it back together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 761

You deserved it 4 401

Today, my mum met my amazing new girlfriend, but later said she'd probably cheat on me. She had correctly foreseen my ex would get pregnant against my will, take the child away, and sue for support, which I didn't believe back then. What should I do now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 037

You deserved it 210

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 345

You deserved it 9 048

Today, after spending the day at work avoiding all hard manual tasks that may harm me, I had a table dropped on my foot. I broke my toe, split my nail and had to get a tetanus shot. I was avoiding injury as I was supposed to be performing in a figure skating exhibition this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 222

Today, I had to awkwardly grab my pink dildo after my husband's friend asked what it was that my dog was chewing on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 481

You deserved it 13 724