Today, I got yelled at for calling in sick to work. My boss said, "I still came to work when I had pneumonia. You'll live." Uh… that's not impressive or motivating at all. That's downright stupid. FML
Today, I had a big project due, but when I went to turn it in, I found out that I'd left it at home. The professor said I could turn it in tomorrow for half credit. When I got home, I realized I'd actually had it in my other binder. FML
Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of, "Nooooo!" FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML
Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I'm going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML
Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML
Today, I was drinking coffee at work, while being surrounded by a lot of flies in the area I was working. Later, in the evening, I found a fly under my bottom denture plate. It'd been there for about 12 hours. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML
Today, a work colleague announced that she's organising a bit of a party. She then said, in front of everyone, that I'm not invited, to "avoid ruining the vibe." FML
Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing." FML
Today, after working for 7 hours straight, I sat down for a second to wait for an elevator. My manager told me I wasn't allowed to sit and that I had to get back to work. FML
Today, without realizing it, I just overstepped what is known in business as "The Competence Zone." Now any work that needs to get done properly (AKA all of it) is foisted off onto my overworked ass because I'm the only one who can do the work both competently and quickly. All I did was do the work I was given. FML
Today, a customer checking out a camera at my pawnshop asked if the memory cards got erased. I said yes. He asked if I had a case for it and I left to get it. I came back and the guy said, "There's naked pictures on this memory card!" I Look at the LCD screen and it's a picture of his own dick, which he'd just taken in the store. FML
Today, I had a discussion with my boss. I work at a self storage, and told her that we need 8 more security cameras so that we can cover all the hallways. She decided to get 2 put into the office so she can spy on her employees instead. FML
Today, I got screamed at by my boss for holding a guy to corporate policy at a rental agency. The guy was rich, so apparently rules don't apply to him. FML
Today, I told some coworkers I’m dating a new girl. One of my female coworkers then burst into tears. For the rest of the day, women in the office were giving me dirty looks like I broke the poor girl's heart. Um, I asked her out twice, then politely gave up when she rejected me twice. FML
Today, I returned to work after two weeks of vacation without a working phone. While I was gone, a beloved former colleague died, two Court hearings got postponed because nobody could find the proof the documents were sent to the other party, and half the office went on vacation. Oh yeah, and my grandma died. FML
Today, I hosted a meeting planned two weeks in advance with my business partners and a new work associate, who was supposed to propose a new business plan. The new associate didn't show up, and hadn't given me a heads-up. He wouldn't answer his phone either. FML
Today, I found out that a female colleague thinks that because I got a vasectomy, I "got my balls chopped off." Then again, this woman also believes the cracks in her front brick fence are because her house is built on the equator. FML
Today, I'm thinking of quitting the awesome job I love with coworkers I adore, because I keep fucking up every part of my job, making them pick up the pieces and correct my failures. They don't deserve this. FML
Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML
Today, I'm expecting an important delivery that I need so I don’t lose my job. My neighbors decided that today was a great day to have a team of landscapers come to cut down some trees. I'm in a tight cul de sac and they're blocking my driveway. Guess who’s gonna lose his job today? FML
Today, my German colleague complained that when I spoke German, I had a Swiss accent in it, which was "not nice to hear". Well Honey, we live in Switzerland, what accent did you expect us to have when you moved here? FML
Today, I told my mother I was doing fine with my classes when I actually wasn't because her mother is dying, and I didn't want her to have more things to stress about. She found out and she's very hurt. I feel awful about it and I know lying wasn't the right thing to do, but in the moment I didn't want to cause her any more pain. FML
Today, me and my coworkers were making fun of this girl we work with. I drew an ugly but funny picture of her and thought it was fun to email it around the office. I sent it to a coworker named Joann. Or so I thought. I actually sent it to another Joann, who is one of the directors of the company. FML
Today, I, a grown man in his 30’s, fell asleep and pissed myself like a 2 year-old at bedtime. I was at work on my dinner break and had taken a nap on the break room sofa, which is now soaked in my pee, and I have no change of clothes. Twenty coworkers and 5 senior management all know it was me. FML
Today, it’s my birthday. My boss treated me to a day off work, except my mother called at 12:01am drunk as hell screaming, “Happy birthday” down the phone. When I finally fell back asleep, I awoke to my boss asking me to come in after all. FML
Today, I had a meeting with our partner company from Japan. I was instructed beforehand on bowing but when the time came I panicked, stood way too close, and headbutted their boss in the boobs. I was “politely” asked to leave the meeting. I’m so embarrassed. FML
Today, I have to go work for ten hours in a warehouse after getting no sleep at all. I get horrendously sick if I don’t sleep. FML
Today, I was fired from my job for breaking my company's tattoo policy. I have a small scar on my wrist that roughly resembles a heart. My boss insists that it's one of those white ink tattoos. No one will believe me. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
