Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a...

By Rachel - 10/6/2011 09:57 - United States

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36877

You deserved it

13409

Favorite

Kids

Instadrama

DINOSAURS!!

Fairytale ending

By Mewsmash - 1/1/2016 16:23 - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21166

You deserved it

1527

Favorite

By unappreciated - 25/6/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45638

You deserved it

2789

Favorite

By Amanda - 26/11/2013 20:00 - United States

Today, my ex's mom got a job as our new soccer coach and recognized me from our New Year's party last year. She made me, and me alone, do 10 laps around the field in the rain for breaking her son's heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52219

You deserved it

12650

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 02:00

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1437

You deserved it

438

Favorite

By chevysprint - 28/2/2010 05:36 - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11379

You deserved it

33262

Favorite

By Carebeareatu - 13/3/2020 15:00

Keeping up appearances

Today, my friends gave me a complete makeover, which included clothes from their wardrobe, to prepare me for an upcoming job interview. I was then declined the position, because apparently, I "looked too wealthy" to need the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1695

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By prickly - 11/10/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42903

You deserved it

2802

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/2/2014 19:10 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45267

You deserved it

3675

Favorite

By ferrarismyname - 9/4/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38473

You deserved it

23410

Favorite

By kingwalrus - 12/6/2010 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37951

You deserved it

8016

Favorite

By amber - 13/3/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39702

You deserved it

17661

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/1/2018 09:00 - United States - Thomasville

That's not a child, that's a bio-hazard!

Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3678

You deserved it

740

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 06:04

Today, at 3 in the morning, I rolled out of bed in my sleep, landing butt-first into my trash can and scraping my arm on my bedside table. I cleaned up the mess I'd made and tried to stop my arm from bleeding. During which, my dad banged on the door and told me to keep it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1433

You deserved it

174

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/2/2020 01:00

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2195

You deserved it

192

Favorite

By fiftyshardsofbroccoli - 26/10/2012 17:58 - United States

Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. After explaining the mechanics in excessive detail, she said I shouldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently, I need to be comfortable with the man who'll be "conning me into blowing him for the next 50 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31196

You deserved it

3005

Favorite

By mags - 16/2/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45315

You deserved it

6752

Favorite

By ShayisPay101 - 15/2/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44352

You deserved it

3854

Favorite

By sharee - 19/12/2015 20:51 - United States - Providence

Today, my father-in-law asked me if I have breast implants in front of the whole family for the third time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26106

You deserved it

2089

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/7/2016 13:45 - Maldives

Today, while using the bathroom I gave the toilet a courtesy flush, only for it to overflow and soak my pants. That would've been bad enough even if I hadn't been at work, with five hours left on my shift and no change of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13206

You deserved it

1044

Favorite

By ohmylantis - 4/5/2011 14:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43108

You deserved it

3683

Favorite

By MyLife - 6/2/2013 08:04

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39422

You deserved it

2613

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 07:13 - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46994

You deserved it

3516

Favorite

By Chris Chandler - 2/11/2018 17:30

Today, I was so parched I had to take way too long at the water fountain. I was drinking for so long a line started to form. As I finished my drink, the guy behind me puked on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2306

You deserved it

482

Favorite

By Meg - 13/6/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I found out the identity of the pervert who's been staring at me through my bedroom window in the late hours of the night. My parents and I decided to set out a trap for 'him' instead of reporting to our local cop. Turns out, we caught my 37 year-old neighbor in the act. He's the cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51194

You deserved it

2798

Favorite

By betterpianist - 29/11/2016 21:04 - United States

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11318

You deserved it

742

Favorite

By PhantomKitty - 21/10/2016 03:07 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11145

You deserved it

894

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 16:00

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1403

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 19:43 - United States - Nutley

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26500

You deserved it

2528

Favorite

By Jesse - 20/3/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37893

You deserved it

150901

Favorite

By of course - 20/4/2019 12:00

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1652

You deserved it

476

Favorite

By kprince - 8/5/2013 14:00 - United States - Northridge

Today, I was singing horribly in the shower. Without me knowing, my sister recorded my singing and set it as my ringtone. My phone rang in class and everyone heard it. My new nickname is American Idol. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52349

You deserved it

11195

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 00:26 - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21644

You deserved it

3389

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44278

You deserved it

6051

Favorite

By James - 12/8/2011 07:54 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42360

You deserved it

3090

Favorite

By Anonomous - 26/1/2015 15:48 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28085

You deserved it

2636

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 05:27 - Canada

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44052

You deserved it

5011

Favorite

By callie - 18/6/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37793

You deserved it

6609

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I called the guy I've liked for a long time and told him how I felt. He didn't say anything except for "hello." After I spilled my feelings, I hear "Haha, just kidding I'm not here right now! Call me back later!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

53591

You deserved it

8698

Favorite

By InDebt - 4/2/2016 04:47 - United States - Morgantown

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22358

You deserved it

1938

Favorite

By flatchested Sam - 1/12/2013 00:16 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45707

You deserved it

3929

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By adropofpeace | 8

#2655813 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:03

Well, someone knows what she wants in life.

By Azull_fml | 8

#2655870 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:07

Like a boss.

COMMENTS

By adropofpeace | 8

#2655813 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:03

Well, someone knows what she wants in life.

NYC_Yoshi | 3

#2655918 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:12

like a boss

iSitt | 0

#2655924 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:12

she's got ballz.
she should find a nice submissive husband.

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2655935 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:14

Obviously not cause she hasn't me me... Damn, I feel like a pedophile now...

kendallwendall | 0

#2655969 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:18

well she learned it from you haha like mother like daughter. way ta be

theaws0m3guy | 4

#2655988 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:20

That is a WIN!

Truth_Nazi | 0

#2656152 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:43

She's be an abusive stripper. sorry, I'm good at predicting the future

herrobear | 0

#2656199 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:49

You deserve it for being a good mother and instilling a sense of ambition in your daughter.

markymark1429 | 8

#2656220 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:50

hey! don't talk about Mary like that

canttouchthis90 | 0

#2656308 - Friday 10 June 2011 20:09

is her name Stewie by any chance?

By moey907 | 2

#2655816 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:04

that's not an fml :)

lmfao1643 | 3

#2655848 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:05

It is cause she thinks she will be allowed to leave the kitchen.

By lowshadows | 21

#2655821 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:04

ha ha ha! that's just sweet, way to make a first impression. Did she tell you about her future job?

ahhhFYL | 0

#2656169 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:45

of course. she's gonna be BO$$.

lmfao1643 | 3

#2656314 - Friday 10 June 2011 20:10

Poor thing thinks that she will leave the kitchen....

By blueandpurpleroc | 4

#2655823 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:04

what a girl!
atlas she's got her future employees in place. (;

blueandpurpleroc | 4

#2655862 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:06

*alas
my bad.

By humzizzl3 | 0

#2655830 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:04

Okay so what's the Fml about ?

boyguydudemalema | 0

#2655930 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:12

That's what I'm wondering too! It would be an FML she wanted to work for the boy.

By FVSimon323 | 0

#2655832 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:04

can't get mad at her. she's ambitious. 2nd

Crlnprz | 11

#2656178 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:46

it's okay you're actually first.. at failing

By Offensive_fml | 4

#2655834 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:04

Magnificent daughter!

By Rosehart | 10

#2655838 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:05

This isn't a FML, she's awesome!

By Calyx_fml | 21

#2655840 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:05

She's gonna be a pimp.

iLazy | 0

#2655902 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:10

Does the term 'pimp' apply to male prostitutes?

SteelCladAngel | 0

#2655993 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:21

pimp can be male or female
though technically it's a 'madame' who sells the services of prostitutes lol

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2656145 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:43

what the fuck no she's not, did u not get the FML at all? if your being sarcastic it's not funny...

YacL | 15

#2656252 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:56

52- Da hell you talkin' about?

By rvontr88 | 21

#2655842 - Friday 10 June 2011 19:05

OP that shouldn't be an fml at all!!! that's AWESOME!!!!