coloneltushfinger · This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

On the runs

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 942 You deserved it 484

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full'a'shit · 6 June 2025, 00:00 ·United States

Not the sharpest tool

Today, after days of constipation, I gave myself an enema to clear out the obstruction. My girlfriend has decided that I'm secretly gay and will not change her mind. She's already told her friends, who now want to take me shoe shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 521 You deserved it 104

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Anonymous · 3 June 2025, 00:00 ·Essen, Germany

Boots on the ground

Today, when I took off my shoes to change into my work boots, I smelled dog poop. I must have stepped in it on the way to my car this morning. Guess what the floor mat of my brand new car looks (and smells) like… FML

I agree, your life sucks 397 You deserved it 121

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Anonymous · 2 June 2025, 12:00 ·Australia

The more you know

Today, my smart toilet analyzed my “data” and sent a health alert to my entire family group chat. With charts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 298 You deserved it 438

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TheHeirofTime · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff ·Marlborough, United States

Honest

Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 568 You deserved it 1 843

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ToxicNeighbors · 31 May 2025, 12:00 ·Germany

Call CPS?

Today, my neighbour is a doctor and has a 2 year-old son. He has a stomach infection and has been crying non stop day and night for a week now. The woman is not taking him to the hospital or giving him medicines, because it's "just diarrhea" and will "go away." The crying is driving me mad. I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448 You deserved it 63

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Anonymous · 29 May 2025, 12:00 ·Australia

Stop moving!

Today, I had to try and capture some of my dog’s pee to get tests done. During the attempt, he pissed all up my arm, the ordeal drawing a crowd of spectators who no doubt think I’ve gone mad. After all that, the sample captured wasn’t enough to be tested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 422 You deserved it 109

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Mel · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·United States

Woah!

Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 311 You deserved it 13 086

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rimenrezon · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Tampa, United States

College life

Today, someone tried to break into my dorm room while I was in class. Ramming the metal door with their shoulder just dented it, so they pissed on my welcome mat and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 355 You deserved it 2 538

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Anonymous · 23 May 2025, 12:00 ·United States

Big swinger

Today, my penis isn't so small that I pee on my balls. It's so small that it fits between the toilet and toilet seat, causing me to pee all over the floor full stream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383 You deserved it 141

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DanielleinDC · 22 May 2025, 15:00 ·United States

Little cuties

Today, I washed the comforter one of my nine-month-old kittens peed on last night. Just as soon as my boyfriend put it on the bed, she peed on it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 351 You deserved it 144

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Anonymous · 22 May 2025, 09:00 ·United States

Sorry Mr Whiskers

Today, to tease my cat for his naughty behavior and tendency to fart upon getting onto my lap, I tried to return the favor by farting on him while he was cleaning himself. It wasn't a fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 You deserved it 729

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Anonymous · 20 May 2025, 03:00 ·United Kingdom

Doesn't everyone do this?

Today, I found out why my boyfriend takes so long in the bathroom. Apparently he has a system for shitting he’s very OCD about: he has to be naked in case poo touches any of his clothes, he has to wipe stood up with one leg elevated, and the whole process takes 10x longer than it should. FFS! FML

I agree, your life sucks 453 You deserved it 133

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Radbaby · This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Classy

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 560 You deserved it 231

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sadface · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·Australia

Ouch

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 813 You deserved it 7 516

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DMStarsky · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·United States

Spicy shit

Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 915 You deserved it 4 829

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Anonymous · 12 April 2025, 15:00 ·Steele, United States

Doing my part

Today, I didn't feel like cooking when I got home from work, so I decided to go to the local restaurant nearby and do my part in supporting small businesses. Long story short, I woke up later feeling like absolute shit. Hello, food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423 You deserved it 97

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Not again!!! · 7 April 2025, 20:00 ·Spokane, United States

Emergency!

Today, I had a major digestive emergency while at work. I rushed to the bathroom, just to realize there were no toilet paper rolls left. In a moment of desperation, I used the last few pages of my notebook to make do. Now I’m terrified of what’s going to happen if my boss ever asks for the reports I wrote in that notebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376 You deserved it 107

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Anonymous · 3 April 2025, 12:00 ·Austin, United States

Hold the line

Today, I was at a restaurant for a quite important business lunch. I really had to go to the bathroom, but there was a queue to the only stall in the whole place, so I decided to just "hold it" and power through. Half an hour later, I sneezed and… didn’t exactly hold it in anymore. I had to excuse myself and leave the restaurant early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 279 You deserved it 279

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GW. · 1 April 2025, 16:00 ·Orange, United States

The horror

Today, I have norovirus and my period. I feel like I’m emitting fluids from every hole I have. The toilet looks like something out of a horror movie every time I use it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 485 You deserved it 80

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Anonymous · 29 March 2025, 15:00 ·Eastern Passage, Canada

Many such cases

Today, while trying to pick up dog poo, I tripped and landed in the pile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 399 You deserved it 115

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Anonymous · 23 March 2025, 12:00 ·Belton, United States

Waste of time

Today, the lab wouldn't let me do my pre-employment drug test because they had no time when I had to pee really bad. They signed me in to do other blood work I needed, but when I asked to use the bathroom, they said it was for drug testing only. I peed myself in the lobby and couldn't do the blood test either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462 You deserved it 95

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Djdjfj · 22 March 2025, 20:00 ·United States

Stepdad woes

Today, I reminded my fiancee's kid to put the toilet seat up when he pees. My fiancée heard and shrieked at me to stop being controlling and weird. Yesterday, she threw a tantrum because there was piss on the toilet seat. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 525 You deserved it 115

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Anonymous · 22 March 2025, 12:00 ·Australia

Hooman! Do something!

Today, I was in the bathroom trying to unclog my constipated ass when my cat pushed the door open and walked in. She sat and stared at me for a good 10 minutes. Then, as if she had seen enough, she started loudly meowing for no reason. It was like she was judging me for reading a book she didn't approve of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 315 You deserved it 141

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Anonymous · 19 March 2025, 20:00 ·United Kingdom 🌶️ Spicy

Are ya winning, son?

Today, my son has taken over the bathroom, crying because he almost lost his virginity but finished in 10 seconds in his pants. I’d have more sympathy for him except I’ve got IBS and the other 4 people who live here all need to pee. If he doesn’t come out soon, I’ll have to kick the door in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441 You deserved it 104

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David · 18 March 2025, 09:00 ·United States

HELP!

Today, I was in a public restroom at a concert when I realized I was locked in. The door was jammed, and there was no way out. I knocked, I tried to force it, I even climbed through the air vent to escape, only to end up covered in dust and toilet paper. Meanwhile, people outside could hear me yelling “HELP!” for a solid 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 406 You deserved it 95

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Oh Gnooooo · 17 March 2025, 03:00 ·United States

Losing my mind

Today, I was in a stall in a public restroom. Someone came in and started using one of the urinals. Somehow, before I knew it, I found I had just loudly whispered, "SOMEbody's taking a piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss." FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 You deserved it 605

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Anonymous · 12 March 2025, 03:00 ·United States

Gushing

Today, we had to turn the water off due to a massive leak in the kitchen sink that the plumber was currently fixing. I managed to wait two hours before my uncooperative digestive tract said it couldn't wait any longer and I had to take a mega dump in the bathroom. I couldn't flush the toilet or wash my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396 You deserved it 109

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Anonymous · 9 March 2025, 20:00 ·Canada

I'm done

Today, I was using a public restroom when the lights suddenly turned off. Panicking, I waved my arms around, trying to trigger the motion sensor, but nothing happened. I had to finish in the dark, and as I was leaving, the janitor noticed me, turned the lights back on, and said, “Yeah, I turned those off earlier to save power. Hope you were OK in there.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 457 You deserved it 94

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Not telling you in a million years · 3 March 2025, 03:00 ·Canada

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Today, I had just sat down and taken a dump in a public restroom when I realized there was no toilet paper. I tried to discreetly call for help, but no one heard me. My only option was to text a friend and have them bring me some. The worst part? My friend ended up texting me, "You called for backup?" as I waited in humiliation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 210 You deserved it 292

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