Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML
Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML
Today, at 7am, I was woken up by a telemarketer. He tried to sell me a bedroom set containing "a comfortable pillow and goose feather cover". I was working the graveyard shift and had only just gotten to sleep an hour earlier. FML
Today, I was giving a PowerPoint presentation in class. When I put my flash drive into the computer, my folder opened up and a nude picture of myself popped right up on a 110 inch projector screen for all 35 students to see. This is a 16 week course. FML
Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML
Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML
Today, I found out that Google+ has been automatically uploading my cell phone pictures as I take them. My friends have now seen pictures of me, my penis, and other things too horrifying to talk about. FML
Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML
Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML
Today, I received my new car-seat covers. I wrote my car off yesterday. FML
Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML
Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML
Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It's OK, though, she says we can still go on the vacation I planned next month for our 3 year anniversary, just "as friends." The tickets are non-refundable. FML
Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML
Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML
Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML
Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML
Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML
Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML
Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML
Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML
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