Miss 30 years-old In a relationship
Today, I was going to kiss my girlfriend for the first time. As I leaned in, closed my eyes, and was about to kiss her, she pushed me away and said, "Not with that pimple on your chin." FML
Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML
Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes, "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it this much." FML
Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML
Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML
Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML
Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML
Today, at dinner, I accidentally let it slip that I'd taken a small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it. My extremely strict parents are now trying to get me into rehab. FML
Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, telling him how much I loved him. His answer? "Less lovin' more humpin'." This happens every single time. FML
Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares, and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML
Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML
Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be "funny as hell" to watch me freak out. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML
Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML
Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML
Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML
Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a Viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML
Today, I was upset after a fight with my husband, so I cried alone in the bedroom. My 4-year-old son then comes in and hugs me. I thought he was trying to comfort me, but he then told me he had to go get his quarter my husband had promised to pay him if he made me shut up. FML
Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML
Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pound father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML
Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML
Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looked at me with accepting eyes and after I'd finished said, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML
Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because, "It's chicken, not salmon." FML
Today, it's been a year since I've been with my girlfriend, and I think that I hate more things about her than I like. For instance, how she likes to throw furniture at me. FML
Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML
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