Miss 32 years-old
Today, my sister's kitten walked away from his litter box, jumped onto the table, looked me dead in the eyes, then peed directly onto my laptop. FML
Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML
Today, I failed a major exam. It wasn't because I didn't prepare for it, though. I failed because somebody sneezed during it and I said "bless you." Apparently, that's classed as cheating. FML
Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML
Today, I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I could tell she really enjoyed it, because she muttered, "Well, that was disappointing." afterwards, then got dressed, said she'd made a huge mistake, and asked me not to call her again. Yep, total stud. FML
Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML
Today, I realized I get more pleasure watching YouTube videos of people lighting their farts on fire than I do from making love to my husband. FML
Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML
Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML
Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML
Today, I tried to write a bad review for the fast-food place at which I work part-time. My username made me anonymous, but I forgot to change my profile picture. Now my manager and coworkers won't even speak to me. FML
Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML
Today, I heard a loud beep for over an hour. It didn't come from my phone or even an alarm of some sort. It was my son pretending to be a smoke alarm. FML
Today, while out shopping with friends, I was apphrehended by two bounty hunters because they recognized my purple-dyed hair. Too bad my name isn't Natalie, who apparently shares the same hair color. They didn't believe me, even after I showed my ID. FML
Today, my boyfriend complained that I only respond to his flirtations with exasperation and annoyance. Apparently, grunting and humping my leg like an ill-mannered dog while I'm trying to wash dishes is his way of flirting. FML
Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I sneezed so hard that my head shot forward and smashed against his, sending his head backwards against the wall. He ended up with a concussion, and I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a chair. FML
Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML
Today, a passing by bird managed to poop through my car's sunroof and onto the center console. FML
Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML
Today, my new prescription medicine for my chronic acne did in fact work. It worked by inflaming the skin around my zits so that they blended in. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML
Today, my mother yelled at me, telling me I'm irresponsible and lecturing me on how I need to "plan ahead like an adult." All because I asked to borrow a tampon. FML
Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML
Today, while waitressing, I served a family with a little girl who was wearing a Frozen shirt. I told her I'm friends with Elsa and that she taught me to sing. The girl asked me to sing a song, so I did. Not even 5 seconds in, she started bawling. FML
Today, my window broke and will not close. My room is in a wooded area. I've already chased out two squirrels and a bird and it's only been an hour. I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up like Snow White with all sorts of wildlife sleeping with me. FML
Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML
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