Singapore
Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML
Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML
Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML
Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML
Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with, "Who the hell are you?" FML
Today, a 7-year-old girl came up to me and told me to go fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up to me and told me to go fuck myself as well. FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML
Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML
Today, I went into work and noticed one of my fellow colleagues had a large bunch of flowers on her desk. As soon as I saw her, I immediately said, "Happy Birthday!" Everyone went quiet. It wasn't her birthday; her father had died. FML
Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML
Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened the browser repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML
Today, during some previews before the new Harry Potter movie, a guy stood up and led the audience in an enthusiastic and rather successful chant "H-A-R-R-Y!". Minutes later when I attempted to do the same thing, I was pelted with half-full bags of popcorn, freezing sodas, and booing. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML
Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML
Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat to take him to the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML
Today, my brother and his friend ambushed me, tied me to a chair, and put a sock in my mouth. My mom found me 10 minutes later, took the sock out, and asked, "Why are you tied to a chair?" I told her what happened. She looked at me, laughed, stuffed the sock back in my mouth, and left. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML
Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML
Today, after two hours, I finally got my very cranky, sick baby to fall asleep. Five minutes later, a neighbor started shooting off fireworks. FML
Today, I got to my weekly drama group a bit late. Everyone looked surprised when I walked in. Casually, I sat down and apologised for being late. I thought everyone looked awkward, probably because it turned out I'd been kicked out of the group. The teacher had decided to announce it before making sure I'd got the email. FML
Today, my mom added me on Facebook. She wrote on my wall, for the whole world to see, "Why are you swearing on the internet?! You're grounded". FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me because 'I look like his hamster when I'm eating sunflower seeds.' FML
Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML
Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML
Today, I spent a hundred dollars on new "business casual" clothes and took two hours to get ready for my interview with a government agency. My interviewer was blind. FML
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