Today, I got fined when my fat dog decided to walk across a private film set to get at the catering area. FML
Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML
Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML
Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML
Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML
Today, my grandmother told me to say "sofa king retarded" really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I'm now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML
Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML
Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML
Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML
Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML
Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML
Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML
Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML
Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML
Today, I puked up a centipede. FML
Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML
Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML
Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML
Today, my dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "Mom." I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me "something nice." FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML
Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML
Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML
Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML
Today, I shat out a staple. FML
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