Miss 25 years-old Single
Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML
Today, I came across the word "pegging". Not knowing what it meant, I googled it and got a very graphic explanation. Seconds later, I realised that the webpage URL actually included the sexual nature of the meaning. The IT department have logs of every page we visit. FML
Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML
Today, at a bar, I overheard two attractive men speaking in French. I went over and tried to introduce myself with what little French I know. They looked at me like I was crazy and then said in English, "What are you doing?" Turns out they weren't speaking French. FML
Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something?" I asked. I was not expecting the answer, "A period mural." FML
Today, while changing the litter in the cat box, the brand new carton ripped open, spilling all twelve pounds of cat litter over my kitchen floor. Both cats promptly rushed over and began frantically urinating all over it. FML
Today, I went to a salon to have my eyebrows waxed. During the application the woman sneezed. The wax is not water based, so no matter what they tried, it would not come out of my eyebrows. I now have to decide whether leave the noticeable brown wax in my eyebrows or wax them all off and draw them in. FML
Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML
Today, I was on the bus home from work when I felt something strange in my hair. I turned to look, and saw the old woman next to me sucking on the end of my hair. When she noticed me staring, she didn't stop but instead said, "So pretty. Can I have?" FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML
Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML
Today, I was roused from my peaceful slumber by the sound of evil laughter coming from my closet. It was my old Furby, with dead batteries, that I could have sworn I got rid of several years ago. FML
Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML
Today, I went to pick up some pictures I took on a family trip, but the person at the counter said someone else had already picked them up. Now not only am I out $20, some random creep has pictures of me and my whole family. FML
Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML
Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML
Today, Murphy's law didn't check out: my piece of toast didn't fall on the side containing the spread of jam. However, when I leaned against the corner of the table to pick it up, I knocked a full ashtray on top of it. FML
Today, my 15 year-old brother told us his girlfriend is pregnant. He was taught in his abstinence-only sex ed that condoms don't prevent pregnancy. My parents are blaming her pregnancy on me, for not telling him the truth about sex, because parents giving their kids the sex talk is "too awkward." FML
Today, my mom decided that my hair was too long and that she was going to cut it. I now look like a male extra from Xanadu. FML
Today, I walked in on my 13-year-old sister cutting her pubic hair with scissors. After a long talk about what on earth she was doing, she confessed to doing it so her boyfriend could find her clitoris. FML
Today, at my new fast food job, I was in charge of filtering the grease out of the fryers. I accidentally turned the wrong lever and flooded the kitchen with hot oil. It took over 3 hours to clean up, and my manager is furious. FML
Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML
Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML
Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML
Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML
Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML
Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML
Today, my best friend was walking next to her crush, so I pushed her into him gently as a joke. She ended up stepping on his foot, which caused him to fall and crack his head against the floor. FML
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