Miss
Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. After he'd repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me, he passed out halfway through. FML
Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML
Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML
Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML
Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment. Things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another, and the next thing I knew, she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said, "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML
Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have been chatting online with for 2 months, I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML
Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "You know, I'm looking RIGHT at you." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got just three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office, to sing me a happy birthday. FML
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
Today, I was riding my bike on the side of the road because there was no sidewalk. Then a car with a loud horn honked at me. Pissed off, I turned around and screamed "shut the fuck up!" It was my girlfriend's parents saying hi. FML
Today, it's my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML
Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year-olds do at midnight? FML
Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML
Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
