Mr 41 years-old In a relationship
Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML
Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML
Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML
Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML
Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML
Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML
Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML
Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML
Today, I lost a huge bet with my friends. I had to either post a sexual message on my mom's Facebook wall confessing my "love" for her, or be ratted out for cheating on a school test earlier in the year. Now I'm considered a freak by half my school, and am indefinitely grounded. FML
Today, while in bed with my boyfriend, I accidentally let one slip. While thinking "maybe he didn't hear, maybe he's sleeping", the shaking of the bed from his laughter let me know otherwise. FML
Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML
Today, my blanket got caught on my nose ring and it took my boyfriend over an hour to get it free. Afterwards, he admitted he was trying not to laugh because it reminded him of a bullfight. FML
Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML
Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML
Today, I passed out in the shower with my boyfriend. He just left me there. FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra on. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML
Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML
Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. FML
Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML
Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad, which is one of my roommate's names, when I came. Now her and her friends think I'm gay, and my roomate Brad moved out. FML
Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML
Today, I auditioned for the musical at my school. Before I sang my song, I gave my music to the director. She said "Oh, I love this song!". After I sang it, she told me, "It's okay, I still like the song." FML
Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in three days. FML
Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtly pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status than me. FML
Today, I was having a one night stand with a guy. He told me he wanted to do it doggie style, I said okay, and as soon as I bent over on the bed, looked at me and said, "Let's do this with the lights off". FML
Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
