Mrs Beside your slippers., Under your bed In a relationship
Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML
Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML
Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML
Today, I came home to find my house destroyed. I was so devastated, I cried. I had spent days hand-crafting the house to perfection, down to the finest detail. On Minecraft. FML
Today, I was at Target deciding what chap-stick to get when an old lady violently hit me with her umbrella and kept yelling at me saying, "You are too young for this! Think twice!" FML
Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML
Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML
Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML
Today, I have done enough trials to confirm that I puke after each time I have sex. FML
Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML
Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML
Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'Cutie' or 'Beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML
Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML
Today, my entire family came over for Thanksgiving. It went pretty well, only four family members got in a fistfight and only one cop car was called. FML
Today, I was looking through some old family pictures for a scrapbook I'm making. I found images of my dad passed out in his underwear, my great-grandpa having a drunken bath, and an unidentified moustachioed man sitting on the toilet, giving the photographer the finger. FML
Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML
Today, I spun a two year old upside down, in circles. She wasn't remotely dizzy. I threw up on myself. FML
Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML
Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML
Today, my hatred for IKEA reignited when I rammed my knee into my hotel bathroom's plexiglass counter top while I was drying myself off. Their interior designer must have have been suffering brain damage when she matched everything with the floor tiles. FML
Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML
Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got Superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "New pirate" in the office. FML
Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML
Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML
Today, while lying in bed, I heard a strange grating noise coming from the hallway. After recovering from my initial assumption that it was a poltergeist come to murder me and steal my liver, I went out to investigate. It was there that I discovered my bulldog casually eating into the wall. FML
Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML
Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML
Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML
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