Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML
Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling and telling eachother nice things. The nicest thing he could think of to say to me was "Well, I see you shaved your mustache." FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML
Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML
Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML
Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML
Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML
Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML
Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML
Today, in an amphitheater, someone hit the back of my head. As I turned around, the guy apologized and said he mistook me for his friend. I changed seats, and after a while, I got hit a second time. He was wrong again. FML
Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML
Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML
Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML
Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML
Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML
Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML
Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML
Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML
Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, my mother texted me that she was in labor. She never told me she was pregnant. Apparently she's engaged too. FML
Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over two years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML
Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML
Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML
Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML
Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML
Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML
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