Miss Philadelphia 35 years-old Single
Today, I locked lips with someone, or rather something, other than family for the first time in my life. It was a CPR dummy. FML
Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML
Today, after moving to a new neighbourhood, I went to meet my new neighbour. When she opened the door, all she said was, "Oh not you again!", and shut the door in my face. I have no memory of her. FML
Today, I was so lonely, I caught myself whispering to my food just so I had someone to talk to. FML
Today, my cat tunneled her way under the covers to sleep beside me. It was really cute until she panicked in the middle of the night and practically skinned me alive trying to find her way out. FML
Today, I lost all hope on making my project high quality because of my partner's incompetence. My partner, AKA the company president. FML
Today, a girl said to me, "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend". I hadn't said anything to her. FML
Today, my mother requested that I return the $500 she had previously given me to help me pay for college. Her reasoning? "You work three jobs, you can afford it." I work three jobs because she decided buying herself a car was more important than my schooling. FML
Today, I had to end a first date with the words, "You can get out of my car and go upstairs yourself, or I can come around and drag you out, bring you up the stairs, and knock on your door," because he'd gotten completely plastered in a span of about three hours. And yes, I had to drag him. FML
Today, I realised I was far too attached to my duvet. Literally. I just got a large tattoo on my back, and my duvet somehow stuck to my skin during the night and formed part of the scab. I now have the joy of deciding whether to tear it off fast or peel it away slowly. FML
Today, and for the past few days, there is a musical box stuck somewhere in my attic that randomly plays Christmas songs. FML
Today, my husband shaved off his beard. Turns out he looks like my ex. FML
Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML
Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML
Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML
Today, after putting in so much effort to forgive my husband for his affair, we had sex. Not even 2 minutes into it, he called me by the other woman's name. FML
Today, it's either be alone and miserable, or go on shitty dates and be miserable. I have no other options. FML
Today, I discovered that the reason the phone I've had for a year takes such terrible and cloudy pictures is because I never took the plastic coating off the lens. FML
Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group I've being go to after the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML
Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML
Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML
Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML
Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML
Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML
Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML
Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML
Today, I still didn't feel quite awake after the first lesson at school, so I went to get a cup of coffee from the vending machine. I had just enough money for it. No cup dropped into the holder, and the whole thing poured straight into the drip tray while I watched. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML
Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML
Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML
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