Miscellaneous: Today, after moving to a new neighbourhood, I went to meet my...

I knocked on the door again and she yelled for me to go away saying she didn't want to buy anything. At this point I understood what was going on. As it turns out, for the past couple days she's been getting salesmen knock on her door and try to sell her something. We talked it out and is clarified that I was actually her new neighbour an not someone trying to sell her something. In the end everything turned out alright and she actually brought me fresh baked cookies later on. They were good. Anyways just wanted to clear up that it was a misunderstanding and she didn't mean any harm.

Miscellaneous

Age difference

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

The Conquest of Bread

05/10/2017 16:30

Today, my grandma went for a walk after being told that she has a bad heart and a fall could be fatal. She fell, fracturing both wrists, and is now in casts and can't do anything herself. Turned out it was only fatal to my college semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 418

You deserved it 312

Where's my dog?

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 02:00

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the dog sitter I'd left him with while I was on vacation. When I arrived at her house to pick him up, she said, "I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about." and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t "leave her premises for trespassing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 96

Same joke, different year

By joleezad5 - 02/08/2021 11:01

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 145

You deserved it 2 458

29/10/2011 23:07

Today, I lost my phone. On the bright side, someone found it. On the downside, they won't give it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 142

You deserved it 3 450

02/05/2019 18:00

Today, I finished a full marathon and just wanted to relax and get pampered by my husband afterwards. Instead, I spent the evening taking care of him and his back because he had a spasm. Don't worry, he feels much better now. Meanwhile, I can’t move my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 686

You deserved it 431

25/06/2010 16:12

Today, my friends and I were hanging out when we thought it would be cool to set off a few fireworks. Nothing burns quite like the hair on the left side of your head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 284

You deserved it 40 431

11/01/2013 05:20

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 195

You deserved it 9 577

Targeted

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01

Today, the neighbor's dog has been barking for over 5 hours. It is barking directly at my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 248

You deserved it 88

14/06/2009 04:05

Today, my friends and I were walking past a bar. There were a few cute guys "rating" every girl that walked by with number cards. My friend, who is a guy, got an 8. I got a 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 960

You deserved it 4 485

22/03/2009 13:04

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196 118

You deserved it 34 583

08/04/2014 22:04

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 778

You deserved it 46 598

Alexa, play "Get The Message" by Electronic

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 23:30

Today, it became apparent that telling your crush you like them isn't worth a response. I mean after all it's not like I'm sitting here not thinking about them and hoping for something to happen. No no, a simple "No thanks" is too much hard work for some. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 330

13/12/2010 07:41

Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need". After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 657

You deserved it 3 076

14/04/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 001

You deserved it 206

12/08/2012 11:03

Today, I was at a concert. It was dark and everyone was singing and waving their lit-up phones in the air. I was having a great time, until someone snatched my £200 phone out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 370

You deserved it 12 009

17/05/2015 13:09

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 772

You deserved it 47 612

Creativity stifled

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 11:51

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 210

You deserved it 22 382

22/03/2017 02:00

Today, I found out the "free" protein bars at my gym are actually for a fundraiser for children's cancer. I've been taking one every day for the past two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 465

You deserved it 3 408

10/09/2012 16:48

Today, I found out that the car I got a great deal on a few days ago, needs a new transmission. I'm now the proud owner of a very large and very expensive paperweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 993

You deserved it 6 607

05/12/2012 16:50

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 901

You deserved it 4 335

29/04/2011 11:36

Today, I had my first job interview for eight months. My interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 537

You deserved it 4 862

29/08/2019 12:00

Today, after breaking my leg, I'm unable to put any weight on it whatsoever. Our bedroom? Upstairs. Our only bathroom? Basement. My husband thought it would be a great idea to leave me alone and unable to walk to go babysit his nieces. I had to piss in a bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 206

17/02/2009 00:24

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 682

You deserved it 68 711

15/05/2019 20:00

Today, I saw what I thought was a cobweb right behind my head where I sleep. I went to wipe it off and part of the sheetrock dented in. On further inspection, they were holes in the wall. Termites started coming out of them like something out of a horror movie. My husband is out of town for the next few weeks, and I'm extremely bug-phobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 997

You deserved it 206

07/06/2015 07:54

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 557

You deserved it 4 367

14/06/2012 08:11

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 463

You deserved it 2 425

22/07/2012 06:34

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 569

You deserved it 4 442

29/03/2014 02:07

Today, I was babysitting my 4-month-old niece at the park, when a woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get your figure back soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 568

You deserved it 4 685

04/08/2010 20:17

Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend taught my parrot dirty phrases for fun. I can't get her to shut up and my little niece and nephew are coming over in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 551

You deserved it 4 650

18/03/2019 06:00

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 871

You deserved it 304

13/01/2011 04:42

Today, when I went to pick my kid up from daycare, I found out that he had run away. The rest of my afternoon consisted of me screaming his name, looking for him. I then returned to the daycare center. He thought it would be funny if he hid in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 917

You deserved it 3 798

07/02/2009 23:04

Today, I logged onto facebook to realize that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 632

You deserved it 3 547

Alas, poor Stuart

By ShouldIHelpIt - 18/05/2016 02:46

Today, I woke up to hear dripping water in the kitchen. Thinking it was someone getting a glass of water or something, I came out to find that it was just a mouse drowning in my dog's water bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 749

You deserved it 908

Keep it clean

By germy germs - 01/07/2021 19:01

Today, my wife bitched at me for not washing my hands before handling the dishes. The dirty dishes. That were sitting in a sink of hot soapy water. According to her, the dirt from my hands was gonna make the dirty dishes even dirtier. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 206

08/07/2016 05:25

Today, I thought the earwig infestation that had plagued my basement apartment for weeks had finally solved itself. Turns out the black widow infestation took care of it for me. Time to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 626

You deserved it 838

What the…?

By lordoftheweird - 29/07/2021 10:59

Today, because no one else was willing to, I had to explain to my uncle that he's white, that I'm not his grandfather, and that he's mentally challenged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 62

18/06/2011 21:49

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 805

You deserved it 8 208

20/07/2011 13:38

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 521

You deserved it 3 965

17/05/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend's 16-year-old daughter got a job. I'm 29, with a Master's degree and I'm still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 674

You deserved it 560

18/07/2011 01:51

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 986

You deserved it 2 655

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Top comments

Ergon_Talfo 16

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Sunday 9 November 2014 22:36

krd 8

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Monday 10 November 2014 2:03

I didn't realize people bringing new neighbors baked goods was actually a thing....

Comments

MrConcise 34

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

MeanBeagle 22

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:14

nightmares. ..

MrConcise 34

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:16

Nightmares are just dreams we don't understand yet. When we're kids, we're scared of and have nightmares about vampires and werewolves. When we grow up, we wanna bop Edward Cullen and Jacob Black.

wyverntail 15

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:53

Actually, I'd just prefer to just ignore Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, and I'm pretty sure a lot of other people will want that too.

MrConcise 34

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Sunday 9 November 2014 16:25

Those were just general examples. Look at True Blood. It's porn with high production values and a plot. People are into monsters, can't deny it.

FaultInMyStars 11

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Monday 10 November 2014 3:00

@#1,10,20 ; I'm sorry but what are you trying to say?

cre8tvlylicnsd 14

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Monday 10 November 2014 5:12

MrConcise needs to change his username due to false advertisement.

cre8tvlylicnsd 14

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Monday 10 November 2014 5:14

Also, you have terrible taste in "Monsters." As do the many prepubescent screaming twitard fangirls. Pick up a real book. A good book. Not published fanfiction quality drivel.

WCARlover 34

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:11

The only thing I can think of it's maybe it's some dumb joke?

Sandman366 6

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Monday 10 November 2014 1:43

This sounds like a horrible but funny way to answer the door for just about anything.....

Toolishing 22

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Monday 10 November 2014 15:18

Mental illness could also be a cause, I having been witness to it. Whatever you do don't approach them.

boxers4lyfe 17

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:12

Maybe you have a doppelgänger? There's a hospital a few counties over that has a nurse that looks exactly like me apparently -.-

Ilikepie82479 20

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Sunday 9 November 2014 20:50

I am proud of you for using that word, good job sir

MidnaLink 33

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Sunday 9 November 2014 21:46

Ma'am, not sir.

Ichiya 29

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Monday 10 November 2014 16:14

Ma'ams are sirs with one less head.

RedCityScapes 5

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:37

You could actually use that to your advantage..

junjunbun 28

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Monday 23 May 2016 12:13

You sure you don't live in "The vampire diaries" #4?

Arcanel 18

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:12

probably mistook you for someone else, happens to me all the time. I always tell people I just "have one of those faces" maybe you do too.

SideOfTheAngels 23

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:13

Could just be you have a familiar face? Or maybe they're just nuts. Who knows?

sevazilla 21

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:13

So what? Forget about her. I really don't see how thIs is an FML.

DenverTyrrell 13

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:15

She's ether crazy or joking...good luck finding out

Im2Shy 16

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Sunday 9 November 2014 14:18

Perhaps your neighbour was drunk or high...maybe even both! I'm sure she'll eventually figure out how wrong she was. Good luck in the new neighbourhood.