Love: Today, I had to end a first date with the words, "You can get... - FML

By nep012 - United States

Today, I had to end a first date with the words, "You can get out of my car and go upstairs yourself, or I can come around and drag you out, bring you up the stairs, and knock on your door," because he'd gotten completely plastered in a span of about three hours. And yes, I had to drag him. FML

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nep012 tells us more :

Can't believe I got published on my first submit!!! Made an account just to comment back haha. First of all, wow, thanks for all the support :) and no, there will be no second date! Also yes, I am a girl lol, and dragging him out wasn't really that hard.

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Childfree

Thanks ma

By mugres22 - United States - Pacoima

Today, while in the restroom washing my hands, a girl decided to let one rip while in the stall. When she came out she gave me a dirty look of disgust and said, "At least wait until I leave." She and I were the only ones in the restroom. FML

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By My_Cow_kiM - United States

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

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By kay-z - United States

Today, my dad heard that the guy who bullied me at school died recently of a drug overdose. For some reason, he thinks we were actually best friends, and thinks I'm doing drugs too. I'm now not allowed out of the house except to go to school. He won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Lucy - United States - La Mesa

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

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By the long distance guy - United States - Waterbury

Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 02:01

Shitpants blues

Today, I recently started taking some antidepressants and they have been working really well for me, except for the fact that they have made me crap my pants twice now. Both times in public. FML

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By holymoly - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandparents took me out for dinner for my birthday. After singing, "Happy birthday dear..." they froze. I had to say my own name because they'd forgotten it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Solon Springs

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

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By LearnToLive

Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

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By dining - United States - Grinnell

Today, at my dining job, my boss told me the food was "technically illegal to serve," air quotes and all. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Aigremont

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

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By MommaAnnie - United States - Overland Park

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

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By HappyBirthday - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

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By space_cadet90818 - United States

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

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By Anna - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

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By Someguy - Belgium

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 02:03

Ouch

Today, while brushing my teeth half asleep, I stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush, toothpaste included. FML

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By chrisinator - United States - Woodside

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

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By oconron - United States

Today, I put my picture into a celebrity look alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

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By babyboomerang - United States

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

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By uglyswimmer - United States

Denied

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

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By sweet

Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

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By dumped and dusted - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

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By anon - United States - Chappaqua

Today, my dad got me one of those word locks for my gym locker, for which the password had to be a four-letter word instead of numbers. My dad chose the combo for me. It was "diet". FML

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By ssnickel - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill on the floor and my dog ate it. The good news is, I startled her and she spit it right out. The bad news is, I still had to take it after it had been in my dog's mouth. FML

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By ricky the sage - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was on the bus, heading to work, when the girl beside me started yelling at me, claiming I was staring down her shirt. I did no such thing, but the driver nonetheless stopped the bus and made me get off, all under the withering glares of the other passengers. FML

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By jmac - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to do some laundry, with the washer and dryer I bought off of Craigslist for 150 dollars. The washer leaks and the dryer doesn't dry. So I called the guy and left an angry message about how the washer flooded my kitchen. In fact I just forgot to hook up the drain hose. FML

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By CrappyCar - United States

Today, I received a notice that if I don't move the abandoned vehicle from outside my house it will be repossessed at my expense. My car isn't abandoned. FML

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By Joplin - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By Batman

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

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By depressed - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML

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By thetallone - United Kingdom

Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would have run that one over." Thanks. FML

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By pchemist - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

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By sdauner - United States

Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

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Top comments

By Mauskau | 35

#6128925 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:01

He sounds like a complete loser. Who gets plastered on the first date?! You've dodged a bullet though.

By christina3466 | 17

#6128924 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:01

I'm guessing no second date?

COMMENTS

By howtobestupid | 16

#6128923 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:01

You give love a bad name

Reply

silvercamaro | 22

#6128989 - Thursday 27 November 2014 16:28

But he was to blame...

Reply

teyyoshi | 19

#6129004 - Thursday 27 November 2014 16:58

a song by bon jovi

Reply

silvercamaro | 22

#6129011 - Thursday 27 November 2014 17:07

That's what I thought too when I read #1's comment

Reply

jbombdighetty | 11

#6129080 - Thursday 27 November 2014 18:32

That's probably because it was on purpose

By christina3466 | 17

#6128924 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:01

I'm guessing no second date?

By Mauskau | 35

#6128925 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:01

He sounds like a complete loser. Who gets plastered on the first date?! You've dodged a bullet though.

Reply

sarah5745 | 41

#6128948 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:17

You can look in a dictionary

Reply

ksks1234 | 33

#6128956 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:27

10-- it means really, really drunk.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6128978 - Thursday 27 November 2014 16:02

Like, so drunk you don't want to, or can't move.

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6129050 - Thursday 27 November 2014 18:10

#10 I thought you are fluent in English and American Sign Language?
English is my second language and I understood 'plastered' out of context.

Reply

TheNiceOne | 20

#6129156 - Thursday 27 November 2014 20:06

Some people get very nervous on a date and tend to drink to calm their nerves. Still, no excuse to show up plastered.

Reply

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6129178 - Thursday 27 November 2014 20:57

#34, Just because you know what it means doesn't mean everyone else does. Maybe where #10 lives no-one uses that word to describe being drunk.

Reply

ruxtain | 15

#6129529 - Friday 28 November 2014 6:28

Thanks man, you asked it for me! Young people keep creating new words and we should keep up pace with them.

Reply

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6129631 - Friday 28 November 2014 11:05

It isn't a common usage, particularly in America, I thought. And looking in the dictionary I am pretty sure he would get results about actual wall plastering.
Plastered = shitfaced

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6130120 - Saturday 29 November 2014 6:40

#64: It's not that uncommon, there's just so many other slang words for drunk that sometimes some of them get a bit dusty.

By llamarrama01 | 21

#6128927 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:01

He sounds like a complete drag

By YFOS_fml | 17

#6128928 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:02

Oh damn maybe he was really nervous

By Dekat121 | 24

#6128930 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:02

plastered on the first date?! as soon as he started slurring you shouldve left the date.

By euphoricness | 28

#6128935 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:03

Dn, you must be a really strong girl! I took a PTA course and I couldn't even drag the dummy :(

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6129400 - Friday 28 November 2014 2:57

heaven forbid girls be strong

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#6129766 - Friday 28 November 2014 18:24

He didn't say a single thing was wrong with women being strong.

By WCARlover | 34

#6128939 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:06

I'm wondering if you're a girl or guy. If you're a girl that's actually pretty freakin impressive

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6129046 - Thursday 27 November 2014 18:07

I guess he could walk with op's help and op didn't have to actally carry him upstairs.

Reply

sabbyheartswhat | 23

#6129075 - Thursday 27 November 2014 18:28

I think that's a legitimate question. It could easily be a guy on a date with another guy. But either way. Dragging him upstairs is impressive.

Reply

TheOnlyKittyKat | 15

#6129247 - Friday 28 November 2014 0:01

Or she's just strong.

By 17031990 | 20

#6128940 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:07

I would have made him get a cab if he was in that much of a state!

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6130138 - Saturday 29 November 2014 7:28

Ya, I'm impressed that Op was willing to see the guy home to make sure everything was ok. I think I would've just made him get a cab.

By MrBlackledge | 12

#6128949 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:20

Sounds like my kind of date

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#6128985 - Thursday 27 November 2014 16:19

If that's the case then I feel sorry for all the women you date.

Reply

iAmPaul | 49

#6129031 - Thursday 27 November 2014 17:52

22 - He could be gay.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#6129108 - Thursday 27 November 2014 18:57

iAmPaul - Ok, but how would that make his comment any less stupid?

Reply

ricardof | 19

#6129243 - Thursday 27 November 2014 23:55

his comment wasn't stupid, he was juat showing some irony, wish you guys don't understand (unless you are ironizing the irony)

Reply

meatyowllegs | 11

#6129392 - Friday 28 November 2014 2:44

#52 - The word you're looking for is 'sarcasm'.