Miss Philadelphia 35 years-old Single
Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML
Today, I asked for permission to marry the girl I love. Her father not only said no, he said "HELL no!" FML
Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML
Today, before setting off on my train journey I checked my booking. The (non-refundable) return date was a week later than I intended, and after buying a new ticket online, I was informed that I would be able to collect it in 2 hours. I leave in an hour. I'll have to pay three times to come home. FML
Today, while driving home I saw a few deer running beside me. I stopped to let them go in front. Instead, one face-plants, ramming into the side of my new car. FML
Today, for our last kid-free dinner before the birth of our 4th child, we chose a Japanese hibachi restaurant. They sat us with a family with a toddler, who started screaming at the first flame trick, causing the chef to cease to do anything entertaining. FML
Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML
Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML
Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML
Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML
Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML
Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML
Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML
Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML
Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML
Today, I was at a local restaurant. The girl that I like walked by so I tried to give her a high five. My hand ended up on her boob instead. FML
Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may become my boss. FML
Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML
Today, my mom threw out years worth of trophies that I'd put tons of effort into earning. Her reason? They all looked the same to her. FML
Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML
Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML
Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML
Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML
Today, it was laundry day. After my fifth and final load, I noticed I never added any laundry detergent. FML
Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML
Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML
Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML
Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML
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